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i was so fucking sick earlier tonight i fucking thought there was a huuuuuge turd inside me like in matthew stokoes COWS when theres a big black ball of hate inside her and i was on my period and i would pee a little bit every time i coughed
so i had my hands between my legs with my thumb in my hoohoo trying to EASE ALONG the little turdy through my vaginal walls but i cant feel anything but fucking bloody sponges fuckign squooshing all over so thats not helpign and i decide
well maybe im fucking with myself so i put my finger in my ass and try to poke at the huge turd
LIKE IT HAS TO BE BIG
IVE BEEN SHITTING -AROOOOOUND- IT
seriously the shit shoots out of my ass so hard i think i can propel myself forward with it
and all the while im rocket blasting shit piss out of my ass and coughing and dripping blood and urine im thinking about the coocoon of EVIL SHIT THATS JUST RIGHT THERE RIGHT BY MY ASSHOLE BUT WONT COME OUT and when it does come out im going to be famous becuase im going to be the next goatse
but when i poke its not fucking there
theres nothing
and i pull my finger out and its just covered in peanut butter colored NONSENSE
I AM GROSSING MYSELF OUT
so i put the sink on hot water and i wash my right hand with soap while poking around with my hand in my bloody hoo hoo trying to break the turd in half or something
and i feel like this ROD and im like shit i have a fucking voodoo staff turd up my butt its gonna stretch out my intestines and impale me from the inside out so i start sweating and shit (no pun intended) ACTUALY FUCK IT THAT WAS HILARIOUS
and then i think
hey daphny remember the VAGUS NERVE oh shit i found THE VAGUS NERVE YHTATS WHY IM SO SWEATY AND MY CHEST HURTS oh yuou dumbass you’re slowing your heart down through your vagina
and im thinking like oh man what a way to die with hot water running on my right hand and my left hand inside my vagina becuase i was strumming my vagus nerve like les claypool until i died
but then i got a HORRIBLE PAIN and my fantasies of dying in the most glorious and beautiful way ever crumbled becuase i was hurting so bad and who the fuck knows what happened i
pooped and bled and pissed and coughed all at the same time
and flushed and walked out
and like this was in five minutes
and i felt guilty
i felt guilty becuase it was FUN AS HELL id get poop on my finger and wash it off id have blood and shit on my hand and just wash it off and keep SPEULUNKING
and i was like man as long as there was a waterfall i could explore a cave of piss and shit and blood forever (as long as it was my own poop becuase i like the way my farts smell)
but thats stupid
i told ma’am though and she looked at me and said oh i put my thumb up my butt too sometimes wehn i get scared
so its a totally normla thing
and thats why i think its appropriate for me to post this publicly to facebook adn twitter right now
edIT TELL EVERYONE TO COMMENT ON THIS POST WITH A POOP STORY LETS MAKE A ZINE I JUST PULLED THIS IDEA OUT OF MY ASS GET IT
SERIOUSLY I AM FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE HOW COME NOTHING I DO FUCKING GETS DONE
lets make a zine
about poop stories
they’re hilarious
why the fuck not theres a stupid fucking lady gaga fanzine who the fuck is she
EVERYONE POOPS
EVERYONE HAS A FUNNY ASS POOP STORY
submit drawings words pictures photos i will compile all poops in a zine and we will BE FAMOUS
so i get a text message from lauren HAY IM IN ALASKA
and im like alaska, what the fuck are you doing in alaska?
WELL JASON FOUND A NEW BOYFRIEND SO IM HERE TO TRY TO FREEZE HIS PENIS OFF
that sucks
NOT REALLY ITS FUN HUNTING FOR CANDY OYU SHOULD COME ITS ONLY A SIX HOUR DRIVE
holy shit i thought alaska was far, but candy? for six hours of driving? FREE candy? hell yes
so christopher and i make a road trip out to alaska to go candy hunting, and lauren is there waiting for me and there are just GIANT WALLS of what look like where they store dead bodies in a mortuary but theres arched windows where some of the doors should be
and shes like
check it out you open a door and theres random stuff inside, mostly its dead kids and burnt books and cups and darts and shit but if you’re lucky you find CANDY AND THE CANDY IS SO GODO
so lauren and i start searching for candy and shes like SEE UNDER THIS FISH HERE, THERES A REESES PEANUT BUTTER CUP
im really excited now, i love reeses! maybe there will be reeses pieces i will make a mcflurry
off in the distance we see a bunch of people like a caravan of bums or something
and its led by steve buschemi
and hes like
HEY
theres only two reaosns you come out to alaska
you’re either wanted
or ugly
and im the sheriff around ehre
and you birds aint ugly! you’re joining us
and so he grabs lauren and i and sticks us between these huge goons who i think are going to rape us
and im liek OH NO OH NO YOU DONT
and i start pummeling the hell out of them and im like IM GOING TO TEACH YOU HOW TO TALK TO WOMEN screaming at the top of my lungs and still punching
and i scream FIRST YOU ASK THEM LOTS OF QUESTIONS, ASK THEM WHAT THEY WANT TO EAT *kick scratch*
TEHN YOU MAKE SURE THEY MAKE THE DESCISIONS WHEN YOU GIVE THEM A CHOICE *headbutt slap headbutt punch*
ALSO MAKE SURE THEY ARE HAPPY *punch kick kick*
ALSO BUY THEM LOTS OF THINGS *groin twist*
so then i kneel down and very calmly review with him 1. presents 2. questions 3. check their happiness (what hte fuck daphny your advice is terrible)
so after those guys are subdued they send this HUGE KUNG FU KNOWING MADMAN after me and im like FUCK THIS
IM NOT GOING TO DESTROY ALL YOUR STUPID MINIBOSSES SO I CAN KEEP FROM JOINGING YOUR STUPID GANG
and the monster karate beast is like ‘oh i like your style’ in the highest pitched voice ever
oh its a girl!
and hse likes my style! i guess shes gonna be a candy hunter with me and lauren now!
so we go abck to the safehouse with our hoardes and faithless/heather campbell is there waiting
and shes like
OH LOOK AT TIS, THE POSTER CHILD FOR ROID RAGE
and monster is like YOU KNOW YOU REALLY LET ME DOWN HEATHER VICTORIA CAMPBELL, YOUR CAMPAIGN WAS ALL ABOUT SOBRIETY AND CLEANLINESS AND LOOK AT YOU, YOU’RE A DISGUSTING METH ADDICT
and ehather starts SCREAMING and her makeup is running and shes liek ITS THE PRESSURE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO MADE ME THIS WAY and starts snorting the longest lines all arond the house like just running after these long ass patterns of methamphetamines while screaming and crying and carrying on
and me and lauren are like, whatever, more candy for us
so yeah i was driving my little rc dog car and i was like GO POOCHY GO FETCH UP THE WHEELCHAIR RAMP so he went up the two story wheelchair ramp and came back with this tiny dildo with this GIANT TONGUE ATTACHED.
poochy what is this
and all my friends around me were like DUHHH its astorias VIBRATOR its so she can get her licks and her kicks!
wow guys tahts really clever!
we have a even more clever idea! shove the tounge up your hooohoo and then we’ll poke her in the face with the tiny dildo when she gets home! it will be like you have a dick
oh man you guys this is brilliant, so i start trying to shove the tounge up my gaping vag but THE TONGUE IS TOO BIG it wont fit guys!
what do i do?!?!?
hey fold it in half and then layer it in, one finger after the other, okay?
sure but i can feel it in my sstomach is that good?
daphny your vag isnt even CONNECTED to your stomach dont be silly
OH MAN THEN IT CANT BE A GOOD THING CAN IT?
well i get the thing about as far as i think its going to go when boris, my big bodyguard-like friend grabs my ankles and SHAKE SHAKE SHAKES abotu as hard as he can!
oh!
there it goes!
its all the way in, this is great guys, this is going to be really funny guys i wish i had your imagination guys okay
so they hold me in their arms like a big baby and take some pictures of this ridiculous tiny dick sticking out of my vag and then we decide to go trick or treating even though its not halloween
i put on my rollerskates so i can scout ahead for houses made of candy and hen i realize
oh shit that wasn’t my vagina after all, i put the goddamn thing BETWEEN MY FUCKING TOES, NO WONDER IT WAS SO HARD TO GET IN
but i swear to god i could feel it in my stomach
oh well this is pretty funny too, so i start inviting people over while playing mario 64 and showing them my freak toe and taking everything they drop when they run away
i could make a living out of this thinks me
then some girl asks me what my teacher told me to be so good at mario
and while waggiling my sixth toe-dick at her i tell her that the secret is in mario 1
—–
this is actually kind of important, well moreso epic
so christopher was PLOWING ME from behind and i guess his already giant urethra opens up even more with a forward thrust
and it was my heavy day for my period
and so i guess some chunks traveled up his urethra so much that he hollered a bit and had to totally stop
we cleaaned up the chunks that were all over his dick and my thigh but the next time he went pee he pushed out a glob of menses!
not A DREAM!
——-
i had to do a story on ethiopia, but it wasnt like ethiopia at all
FIRST all the kids had to learn how to orgasm so there was this big huge huge huge huge group of teenage boys and girls sitting on vibrators and i had to fit in so i was just sitting on one trying to read a magazine and then having the stupid vagina that i do i jizzed but then i became a guy so i started whoring myself off becuase it was really hot and all there was to drink was come
so like all these thirsty desert people kept making me jizz so they could have something to drink and like i was HOLLOW at that point so they finally let me rest
THEN we (the ethiopians) had to get rid of these fucking white tourist bastards who were building shoddy hovels and fucking selling a bunch of sweaters and sourdough bread soup bowls in teh MIDDLE OF THE DESERT and people were BUYING THEM and it was OUR PEOPLE so everyone was dying of HEAT STROKE becuase they’re all wearing fucking sweaters and eating hot soup
so we would throw the women (because the women cant jizz like men, all they are good for is LITERAL cannon fodder) with like these catapult things and knock over their hovels and kill the stupid tourist traps. but soon all our energy was being put into killing these tourists and no one was coming so everoyne got really thirsty again and we had to drink urine puddles off the ground
everyone started rotting away and i couldnt jizz and feed the people anymore, there was this woman we were supposed to kill but we kept throwing women and launching women at her and all she would do is fucking collect plates and stroke her pet armadillo
which was actually just an armadillo skeleton what the fuck
this stupid bitch just wouldnt leave