Monthly Archives: September 2010
the reason this is the best video ever is because its by PLACENTA OVARIES the guy who made the best movies about vomit ever
michael jackson vs james brown is my favorite it is about two dudes playing tetris together even though its a one player game then arguing over ringtones because one is james brown and the other is jackson tehn they cant reach any kind of agreement and decide to settle their arguement over a throw up/jerk off contest. WHOEVER SHOOTS THEIR CHOSEN BODY FLUID THE MOST FROM THEIR BODY BEFORE THE BLUES TRAVELER ALBUM IS OVER WINS. i wont tell you who wins because that is a spoiler
he makes a lot of fucking awesome movies about his sister getting kidnapped and he uses his actual sister ITS SO GOOD
oh god and video store
READY TO DROP 2 IS IN THE CRITERON SECTION!
anyway look at this cute fucking cat also i post about this guy a lot and its probably getting creepy
also ha ha carrieaki it looks like HE met tommy wiseau and got creepily hugged just like your friend aron
tommy wiseau loves adult little boys a lot apparently
not surprising
OH GOD I AM SO CREEPY RIGHT NOW sorry llivejournal we should hang out becuase i live in oakland and keep meaning to go see movies where you work anyway
GOD IM CREEPY AGAIN
JUST WATCH THE KITTY PLAY WITH STRING EVERYONE IGNORE ME IM A CREEPO
THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE TWO LINES I SWEAR ive been saying that a lot lately
i mean i just woke up becuase iw as fucking itchy and then i scratched between my fingers until the skin wasnt there anymore nad it really hurts to type its like when your fat thighs chafe on a hot day except betwene like four sets of fingers
i mean can you imagine how annoying it would be for someone with that to move hteir fingers around a keyboard and here iv ebeen doing it and here i continue to do it and here i go to sleep
OH HAY i went on a dumb outing with SOME GIRL who may or may be not newgirl and ma’am in THE MISSION THE MISSION THE MISSION
BEJAN CAME BACK FROM CAMBODIA WITH GIFTS
he got me a ho chi minh shirt with just his face and when he was born and died
and a bootleg communist party threadlless shirt except its green and the drawings are a bit off and IT COST THREE DOLLARS how fucking perfect is that
oh
and this fucking clock
that rules
but mao has a bloody fucking stump for a hand for some reason
argh okay i dont even know where to begin with this one
OKAY NOW I DO I HAD TO BITE MY HANGNAILS FOR A FEW SECONDS right so ma’am was CRUIISSING on okcupid and messaged back and forth with some girl for a while
then she invited her over to f.a.g.s. and OH GOD SHE LAUGHS SO LOUD this is not good because I LAUGH SO LOUD so it was just like her GIGGILING AND CACKLING and me SHOUTING AND GUFFAWING but we didnt really interact too much because iw as busy playing a train game
BUT THE FOLLOWING SUNDAY IS I GUESS WHERE THIS FUCK JOURNAL IS SUPPOSED TO BEGIN
so she comes over and shes vegan so i make curry and rice for dinner so we can negotiate our LIMITS AND KINKS AND ITS VERY BEAURACRATIC THE FIRST TIME but then again it also wasnt boring because she had a lot of the same interests and shit as me KINK WISE AND OTHERWISE adn i was like fuck this girl is really cool
and then i was like FUCK THIS GIRL IS REALLY HOT I AM A 12 YEAR OLD BOY BUILT LIK EA PIZZA OVEN well at least ill be able to watch ma’am fuck her
so i danced around the kitchen nervously cooking and yelling the obvious message that ma’am was trying to convey when she was being sleazy
like ma’am would say something about are you okay with your feet being tickled nad id scream MA’AM HAS A GROSS FOOT FETISH i dont know if that was one of the things but you get the idea
OKAY SO DINNER WAS READY WE ATE and NOOOO BODY FINISHED well newgirl and i were both just giggiling and nervous and also i was triyng to make the situation less terrifying by reading l ron hubbards life history and making dumb faces at the end of every page
UGH OKAY SO WE DIDNT REALLY EAT ma’am probably did what did she have to be nervous about
i IMMEDIATELY run away to pet my cat on the floor on the other side of the room and i think i was gonna get up to do something or maybe not and ma’am was ike ‘wait i like you there on your knees’
NERVOUS GIGGILING AMPLIFIED IN STEREO GOD THIS GIRL LAUGHS AS LOUD AS ME EXCEPT HERS IS HIGH PITCHED i am endeared to her because of it but also nervous becasue what if the manager YUP THERES THE SUPERINTENDENT KNOCKING ON OUR DOOR
“i was walking through the parking lot you guys are kinda loud” so we close the window
ma’am tells her to get up and turn around and do some basic HOW SUBMISSIVE ARE YOU TAKE THIS QUIZ AND FIND OUT icrebreaker stuff and maybe other creepy lecherous things but we end up getting naked
and im naked over here nad shes naked over there and GROSS NAKED GIRLS im not looking shes not looking ew we’re naked awkward hoohoo adn boob covering etc
im not really uncomforatble flaunting my thunder thighs and balooga butt but she was really nervous and 10x prettier than me so it made me really nervous about my body haha
then ma’am has me stand in front of her and we both look away
then ma’am makes me lookat her and her look at me and im obviously like woooo nice but i try not to think about what shes thinking
wait shes lookijng at me
what
weird
ma’am has us put our hands behind our back to keep from modesty covers, then she throws a pencil on the floor and tells newgirl to pick it up
CLEVER GIRL SHE PICKS IT UP WITH HER HANDS THAT ARE BEHIND HER BACK i could totally be friends with this girl being a smartass submissive is the best SHE DIDNT BREAK ANY RULES!!!
then ma’am takes it and throws it on the ground to get her to pick it up with her mouth but she has trouble and ma’am puts it on the chair and makes her pick it up and she does
oh its my hello kitty pencil i HATE THAT PENCIL IT IS THE WORST FOR PICROSS HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FILL OUT MY PICROSS PORNO BOOK WITH THAT PENCIL WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT PICROSS PORNO WHEN I HAVE PORNO RIGHT HERE this is how my brain works it is terrible
“slut get that pencil”
HUH WHAT OH so i knock it out o fher mouth because im shy gross cooties nad pick it up from the floor
i think newgirl’s quiz results were YOU ARE PRETTY SUBMISSIVE GO IN THE BEDROOM AND GET A BEATING because thats what happened next
ma’am put us both against the wall and made us take off our bracelets and shit and teased newgirl a lot WHO GETS SO SCARED AND TREMBLES ITS NUTS
then she tied me up and had me bend over the edge of the bed
and then she did the same to new girl
DO YOU SEE WHATS GOING ON HERRE MA’AM IS GONNA DO THINGS TO ME FIRST TO SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF NEWGIRL AND THEN DO THEM TO NEWGIRL
well i see whats going on
and i kinda wanna scare her too, like since i knw what to expect instead of having my normal internal shivering oh shit oh shit oh shit id be like
WAIT ILL JUST TALK ABOUT IT THIS IS RETARDED
so ma’am has us bend over the bed
LIKE I SAID
and first a spanking spank spank spank ow ow ow then her spank spank spank
WHILE SHES SPANKING US she has some THINNGGGSS laid out on the bed
i think it was the baseball bat the plastic paddle the wooden spoon and maybe the stinger?
so we get to stare at those while we get beaten
im not staring at them though im looking at hte wall i cant look at this girl gross cooties oh man her hair was hanging over her face it was pretty elegant though
what am i saying i never looked at that IM TOUGH
then ma’am got the paddle FUCK THE PADDLE and beat me with the paddle for a while and she would be all playing up how much it hurt WELL IT DOES HURT but i get what you’re doing ma’am
and after she beat me with the paddle she LEANED OVER ME to whisper in newgirls ear
like she wasnt tlaking directly to me AT ALL THE WHOLE TIME it was really hot
then she got the spoon and instead of talking to me im scremaing FUCK THE SPOON FUCK THAT SPOON I HATE THAT SPOON and ma’am would say slut really hates this spoon and hten hit me with the spoon while newgirl anticipated nad then beat her
in which iw ould get on my knees and behind newgirl to watch her get beaten
her ass was pretty small and way less ghetto booty than mine and she got really fucking nice bruises really really quickly
then ma’am was like OH adn went into the closet and i knew she was getting the cane and FUCK THAT WORSE THANT HE SPOON so iw as like oh no oh no oh no squirm squirm
THEN I GOT CANED FUCK THIS SHIT ITS LIKE A HABANERO PEPPER LIKE YOU EAT IT AND ITS DELICIOUS AND HTEN YOU HATE YOURSELF WORST PAIN then id go back on my knees to watch newgirl get caned HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THOSE LINES NICE she agrees wtih the hot pepper analogy
and then ma’am made us both get on the bed she said “piggies on the bed” or something INCREDIBLY PORNY AND RETARDED LIKE THAT and hogtied us GET IT PIGGIES wait i have to throw up hold on
oops i made a sandwich instead ANYWAY
so ma’am still had the cane and she was tying my toes together and i knew what was coming and im scremaing OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT getting my feet caned howling into the pillow then her and i cant relly watch this time im in a pretty compromised position but hoo boy she makes great noises
also a lot o fthe time iw as watching her get beat it was really similar to how i react except she SHUDDERS AND SHIVERS AND TREMBLES a lot more nad i GET ANGRY AND YELL A LOT MORE
but yeah this girl is a loud strong willed funny clever submissive with good taste and im kind of blown away by that
OH GOD CANING OVER FINALLY
OH FUCK SHES TICKLING ME AHHH AHHH AHH AHHH AHH I HATE THIS *ESCAPE* i ropeburn my way out of the wrist rope and nearly break my toe getting off the toe tie and then scramble with my ankles tied together towards the door but ma’am catches me and asks where im going and im like AWAY and hten she tickles me until i cant take it
so she finishes and tickles the SHIT out of newgirl who cant get out of her ropes like i did BECAUSE IM TOUGH I DONT PUT UP WITH SHIT and she squirms and screams and ma’am keeps going nad then no wait its not and then yet becuase it looks like ma’ams done but then she TICKLES MORE
and then she asks if newgirl wants to get fucked and i just hear some muffled noise im still on the floor panting from beating and tickling and my ass hurts and im sitting on it and im watching but im recovering more than watching
BUT WHEN MA’AM SAID THOSE MAGIC WORDS MY EARS PERRKED UP AND I RAN IN THE KITCHEN AND GOT SOME GRAPES
and ma’am fucked the hell out of newgirl with her hands and hitachi magic wand and she jizzed like three or four times tied up and her body contorted and i ate grapes and was on the edge of my seat
it was pretty rad
WE HUNG OUT AGAIN SINCE THEN and did more hot stuff and i finally got the courage to kiss her and SHE BIT MY NECK DJGKSFGJDFKHJDFHJDFLJH and we watched santa sangre but i dont know if i should write about it in this fuckjournal since theres no ma’ams ide for that yet
maybe ill just do a regular one
BOTTOM LINE GUYS IM EXCITED I MET A BEAT BUDDY WHO WANTS TO MAKE OUT WITH ME AND HAS A MILLION THINGS IN COMMON WITH ME seriously this is the first tim ein my life where all my friends i can view as peers and draw inspiration from, it was always like id have a cool boyfriend or wahtever and maybe he had cool friends but aside from lauren and pami i felt like i was settling
NOW IM MEETING SO MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE
FUCK THE SUBURBS
hello livejournal do you like my mask
hey livejournal i feel like im older than half of you
POST YOUR AGE
you’re not clever if you make up some obviously fake number by the way, you’re just fucking retarded and respect down in advance
you fucking retard
someone explain to me what it is with pop culture and hiding skulls in things
ANDY MITCHELL THE MAGAZINE MAY HAVE MOCKED YOU BUT YOU HAVE MY 100 PERCENT PROMISE THAT I UN-IRONICALLY LIKE WAHT YOU’RE DOING HERE
please contact me so we can dress like robots and punch eachother
MA’AM VS SLUT COMING UP
actually i really made this post BECAUSE LOOK AT MY SONIC XL LIVEJOURNAL ICON
alright so yeah yeah LATE TO THE CLUB DAPHNY
look i know scientology is an evil murderous money grubbing cult and im glad that its been brought to the general public’s eye by a bunch of creepy internet weirdos
BUT
DID YOU KNOW
IVE NEVER READ A SINGLE PIECE OF SCIENTOLOGY BOOK OR DIANETICS OR SEEN BATTLEFIELD EARTH or any of that
and what the hell usually when i HATE something i OBSESS over it to match my hatred because INTENSE FEELINGS ARE SO SATISFYING
anyway ANYWAY YOU GOTTA LISTEN TO THIS GUYS
guys i have this greaT
GUYS PAY FUCKING ATTENTION
GUYS
l ron hubbard is tom robbins if tom robbins was INSANE AND MEGALOMANIACAL
daphny thats crazy tom robbins writes romance novels for the thinking woman, didnt you even CREDIT HIS BOOK IN THAT COMIC YOU AND HARVEYJAMES DID ABOUT JAIL
yes i did, and tom robbins IS wonderful
thats why THIS MAKES SENSE
stay with me okay
HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING
IS THERE SOMETHING IN YOUR EYEEEE
okay so in his early life it is true that l ron was soul searching and went to different cultures and learned from them, BUT instead of being like wow these people think different and man is a violent creature and prone to disagreements and conflict he was a jerk and like OH IM SO FULL OF MYSELF I BET I CAN SOLVE THIS
whereas TOM ROBBINS traveled everywhere, since its really apparent in his freespirited writing about the places in his books and learned from different cultures and basically came up with the idea
“the difference between man and monkey is that man is inherently contradictory”
which i work into my own life philosophy as ITS OKAY TO BE A HUGE HYPOCRITE, IT IS WHICH MAKES YOU HUMAN
anyway I HAVE MORE so yeah basically l ron hubbard got the knowledge and same experience robbins did but ROBBINS USED HIS POWERS FOR GOOD (writing really positive philosophical novels that go on huge tangents because he wants to shove his life views into every single line BUT WHO DOESNT im pointing at myself sarcastically right now can you see it can you see THAT IM LYING ABOUT THAT[ABOUT ME NOT WANTING TO INSERT MYSELF INTO EVERYONE ABOUT ME NOT WANTING TO BE A HUGE DICK SHOOTING SCREAMING DAPHNYS INTO EVERYONES BODY AND MIND])
so l ron hubbard takes his ideas to psychologists and medical scientists WHO REJECT THEM not because his ideas are stupid but they are completely spiritual and have no place in the scientific world, and instead of going yeah THESE ARE PHILOSOPHIES he instead rejects psychology and medicine and REPLACES THEM with scientology
everything in the beginning of the WHAT IS SCIENTOLOGY BOOK is really really really BASIC psychology
i mean i didnt go to college or anything but these are REALLY BASIC PRINCIPLES ON HOW TO SOCIALIZE which you guys probably dont know a fucking thing about since you’re all from the internet
well most of you
fucking nerds
like this part is about MATCHING TONES which is something they even tell you when you talk to people for a living
you cant hear someone say my dog died and then excitedly go WOW THAT SUCKS I JUST WON THE LOTTERY YAY MY LIFE RULES becuase they’ll fucking kill themselves
you have to start a mood above them to bring them back up to your mood
its really easy stuff i dont need to explain it to you
BUT THEY PUT THIS WHOLE OH SINCE ITS A RELIGION ITS NOT PSYCHOLOGY ITS SCIENTOLOGY theres a bullshit tone scale where 40.0 is nirvana (i forgot what they called it) and 0.0 is body death and theres a bunch of shit in between
but if you notice
4.0 is ENTHUSIASM which is basically im in a great mood everything rules and TEN TIMES A VERY EVEN NUMBER IS 40.0 WHICH IS NIRVANA
which is a really straightforward way of admitting that nirvana is made up but THIS THING IS RIGHT ON THE PATH to that!
between 4 and 0 there are like 20 human moods from happy to depressed but super compartmentalized becuase WE AS THINKING FEELING HUMANS KNOW AND UNDERSTAND THEM and between 4.0 and 40.0 there is 6.0 aesthetic 8.0 exhilaration 20.0 action 22.0 games 30.0 postulates and 40.0 SERENITY OF BEINGNESS
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN
NOTHING
ITS BULLSHIT
which we already know
THE THINKING MANS RELIGION INDEED boy this is such a good scam
so youre sitting there and youre like yeah this is really scientific this is based on REALITY
but then you turn the page and
SEE
SEE
man
in conclusion
oops i mean they both capitalize on boring people who arent completely retarded but have the potential to be completely retarded
OH GOD so we went to pedal magics house and there was this fucking FAMILY OF HOMELESS PEOPLE LITERALLY ON HIS DOORSTEP MOANING AND SAYING THINGS IN HOMELESS PEOPLE LANGUAGE nad i was like oh yeahi live in oakland now there are homeless people outside
pedal magic is having a hard time fidning a job take a moment to send him good vibes so he doenst have to move to la BECUASE IF ANYONE TRIES TO FUCK UP MY PERFECT FRIEND O SPHERE I WILL SCREAM ABOUT IT ON THE TWIT O SPHERE AND IT WILL NOT COME BACK TO REALITY O SPHERE UNTIL SOMEONE GOSSIPS O SPHERE ABOUT THINGS I SAY O SPHERE oh wait
theres backstory to that
so anna was like BLAH BLAH BLAH I HAVE A BIG MOUTH IM DATING DAPHNY WHO HAS A BIG MOUTh adn we crack sarcastic jokes on twitter all the time and edmund was having lunch with john blow (he made braid) and BLOW SAYS ANNA HATES ME BUT I THINK SHES A GOOD DESIGNER
i think because anna said he was creepy on twitter one time
basically videogmes are a bunch of manbabies crying about what people say on twtiter
ps jon blow is creepy
OKAY SO BACK TO TODAY
we played nintendo and ate strawberries and then i got SUCH A HIGH SCORE IN SKATE OR DIE RAMP i was like fourth place the guy fucking held his skateboard above his head and screamed ALL RIGHT and shit then my phone rang WAIT NO before he held the skateboard up his head THE PHONE RANG and i coudlnt answer it otherwise id die and its not skate AND die i had to make a choice
but oh shit it was JETTA SHE WANTED TO HANG OUT but i think she thought i had a car and i was like SUPER DISTRACTED AND NERVOUS becuase ive been trying to talk to more kinky women lately and its hard because of scenes (see above about independent games)
so i didnt get to hang out with her FUCK but i also didnt think she was even gonna call me TONIGHT i think i gave her my phone number before because i wanted to hang out whatever i THINK THAT FRIENDSHIP HAS PROMISING CREATIVE POTENTIAL
potential a: I WILL BE READING MY FUCK JOURNAL AT A HALLOWEEN ZOMBIE MONSTER BURLESQUE SHOW details to come but i wanna figure out maybe ill read one of my dreams where i puke on people to dissolve their skin like th fly i have a lot of gory dreams ILL FIGURE IT OUT
okay so OOPS I BROUGHT MY EMPTY PACK OF CIGARETTES we gotta go to teh store TRHE STORE THERES ANOTHER HUGE GROUP OF HOMELESS PEOPLE are the competing for moeny are they working together for money I JUST GOT PAID ILL GIVE THEM SOME QUARTERS AND CHANGE i usualy do not give panhandlers money NOT BECUSAE I HATE PANHANDLING but b ecause if i give one person money and not the next I FEEL REALLY BAD so i usually say no but sometimes they get lucky
so i handed one guy a dolar and one guy four quarters AND I HAD TO POINT OUT HEY I GAVE YOU BOTH THE SAME HE JSUT HAS A DOLLAR because they were about to punch teeth out over it which you woudlnt have to swing hard for and i know because my teeth suck too
OH ONE OF MY BOTTOM FRONT TEETH IS LOOSE SOMETIMES AND IF ANY ONE OF MY FRONT TEETH FALL OUT I WILL IMMEDIATELY GO TO DENTIST AND GET IT FIXED RIGHT AWAY i think i need omething to realy disable my mouth and make me look homeless before i actually start gettjng them fixed so its not like oh give me your money for my teeth and ill never do it i just keep putting it off
when youre broke you put things off i guess whatever its not an emergency but someday it will be
THIS ISNT THE POINT
THE POINT IS
PURPLE DRANK IS AN ANTI ENERGY DRINK WITH MELATONIN INSTEAD OF TAURINE AND I REALLY WANT TO DRINK IT why didnt i buy a bottle oH BECAUSE WE WERE HALFWAY BACK TO PEDAL MAGICS HOUSE BEFORE I REALIZED HE WASNT MAKIGN AJOKE ABOUT THE DRINK IN HIS HAND
thats one of the points
i swear to GOD this post was supposed to be two sentences long
the other point is coming up just give me a second
OKAY SO WE GET BACK and drink tequila that i foolishly chase with ROOSTER SAUCE i thought hey roosters are OH GOD MY LOGIC WAS SO RACIST i dont want to talk about it just call me a racist lets move on
and then i tried to open the skylight windows and that took fourty hours longer than it should have DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO HOOK A STUPID HOOK TO A LIGHT 10 FEET ABOVE YOU I will tell you it is harder than balancing that long ass hook pole on your finger and i demonstrated this by balancing it without breaking anything and then struggling wtih teh stupid HOOK AND POLE THAT I HAD TO TURN NO DONT TURN THAT WAY THAT WAY CLOSES THE WINDOW and then forgetting ugh i am retarded
i wanted to play nintendo games okay i didnt want to take forever opening the window IT WAS RETARDED
and then i went outside and some dude was moving a HUUUGE rug and is tared at him talking instead of helping with door SO I HELPED WITH DOOR and he asked if i lived there and i was like NO GOD WHAT AM I DOING WRONG WHY ARE YOU ASKING but then he said no can you just ask if the garbage key is in their house because the padlock is locked and we cant throw out garbage unless we have the key
so i told jeff and pedal magic and jack and none of them had that and apparently this has happened before
I REALLY LIKE THAT MY APARTMENT BUILDING HAS A LOCKED DOOR I DONT HAVE TO PUT A LOCK ON MY GARBAGE
guys this wasnt supposed to be a story about how surburban life has made benign events really intersting
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT HOW AFTER THAT GUY SAID SOMETHING A MOTORCYCLE DROVE BY AND IN THE GUYS LAP FACING FORWARD ON THE MOTORCYCLE SITTING IN FRONT OF THE GUY ON THE MOTORCYCLE WAS A GODDAMN CORGI WITH A HELMET LOOKING COOLER THAN EVER RIDING ON A CITY STREET ON THE MOTORCYCLE BEING THE COOLEST DOG EVER and so yeah living in oakland has been really cool so far