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IMG_20141011_201709PANELS! A FOUND IT WINNER! NIGHTGAMES!

DAY FUCKING THREE: SATURDAY!

my niece leaves pretty silently in the morning to go to her nanny job becuase SHES RESPONSIBLE
like i wanted her to come to my party during nightgames but wahhh work
ANYWAY the rest of us are a little more slow to rise, especially after my OH GOD THE FUTURE MY BODY MY LIFE anxiety attack that i got to SHARE WITH THE ENTIRE ROOM because even though im laying next to someone going to sleep my voice still fucking carries
sorry for party rocking room 208, this is why i dont visit libraries!

but of course as soon as i wake up its WOO GO TIME LETS GO ANOTHER DAY AT INDIECADE YAYAAYAYYA COME ON EVERYONE WHERES YOUR VIM AND VIGOR and i just get a bunch of lazy growls and grumbles and demands to shut up, but NO IM NOT GONNA SHUT UP ITS GO TIME
cycle stays asleep but i convince HDB to come with me and get some grub and hang out in the park for a bit while we figure out what to do

oh god this shirt i got him makes him look so goddamn texan oh no

 

so we go and get on the bus WAIT THIS ISNT THE BUS I TOOK YESTERDAY THIS ONE IS SO MUCH CLOSER AND ITS ONLY A DOLLAR AND IT FUCKING SAYS INDIECADE SHUTTLE ON IT HOW COME NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT THE ~INDIECADE SHUTTLE~ YESTERDAY I MIGHT HAVE BEEN ON TIME TO THAT DAVID O’REILLY PANEL
HUFF
so yay! back at indiecade! time for food stamp feasting at trader joes! i bought too much food!
OH LOOK HUNGRY PEOPLE IN THE PARK PERHAPS THEY’LL APPRECIATE ALL THIS EXTRA NON BITTEN-INTO FOOD I HAVE LEFT OVER
ILL JUST LEAVE IT *NEXT TO* THE TRASH CAN SO THEY DONT HAVE TO ROOT THROUGH THE TRASH FOR FOOD HINT HINT INDIECADE ATTENDEES HINT HINT
checking the schedule HOLY FUCK SHAWNS PANEL WITH NO WHITE PEOPLE ON IT ABOUT RACE IN GAMES IS HAPPENING!!! AHHH
so i run into the ivy room and take my seat, then i think about how i HAVENT FINISHED SETTING UP FIND IT SPECIAL INDIECADE EDITION 2014
i grab a bunch of extra houndstooth from my satchel and go up to the panel and congratulate them all for becoming a secret level in find shit while pinning the levels to them
i also hand everyone sitting around me a level now whichever direction i look THERES HOUNDSTOOTH IN MY FIELD OF VISION
woof, i think, woof.
i sit back down and when HDB gets back from the bathroom he whispers “is that your secret level on every member of the panel”
I give him a look of smug satisfaction while thinking about his houndstooth boxers hehe. heh. heh.

WOOO LOOK AT THIS FUCKING PANEL THOUGHBEST PANEL AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHno the picture isnt washed out, the fox news panel on race just IS THAT WHITE

 SHAWN ALLEN, CATT SMALL, ASHLEY ALICEA, TJ THOMAS, FATMINA ZENINE , LATOYA PETERSON
FOLLOW THEM ALL ON TWITTER READ EVERYTHING THEY’VE EVER WRITTEN, CONSUME ALL THEY’VE CREATED
there was too much to even begin to cover
here ill talk about my favorite part though, that i was fucking throwing PREACH IT hands at
okay i threw up my hands a bunch and tried not to shout YES YES YES YES YES YES and oh god its so hard to be quiet in an audience when im fucking excited how do people do that anyway?
latoya talking about how people ask about why black people are always into consoles (so many people are surprised that basketball players all loved their nintendos and genesis, or think of every nerds favorite biggy smalls lyric), she totally improved on my answer of WHY I NEVER PLAY COMPUTER GAMES BECAUSE I GREW UP WITH CONSOLES
basically (SHE SAID IT WAY MORE ELOQUENTLY IM GOING ON MEMORY THIS IS PARAPHRASING THIS IS MY TAKEAWAY OKAY???)
1. unlike constantly upgrading a pc every year so you can play new games on it, basically all old consoles still fucking work
2. lots of multi-person houses spend a lot of free time together in the FAMILY ROOM, and family rooms with tvs could also have a console hooked into it, making the experience a social one
3. consoles almost always came with 2 controllers (not anymore though ha) and that created a way for TWO PEOPLE TO SIT AND PLAY TOGETHER WITHOUT HAVING TO BUY A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT AND LEARN TO LAN PARTY

so yeah, geniuses. all of them! they all had amazing stuff to say, and the way the panel was actually STRUCTURED like a conversation was inspiring and wonderful
and all the shit they talked about made my talk the next morning, which is about class seem incredibly silly and unnecessary 
after the panel i WANTED TO JUST GUSH AT ALL OF THEM AND LISTEN TO THEM GO ON FOREVER
im an ADULT who respects peoples TIMES so i just run up and fangirl at latoya, because shes the only one i didnt recognize from twitter

SHIT i have to finish planting all of my find shit levels!
i go to check on the one i placed in the firehouse, that i thought would get the most foot traffic
then i noticed, out of THE 31 OTHER games in the firehouse only ONE (which i may have mentioned in a previous post, WHO KNOWS????) team didnt show up! has this happened before? i havent seen this happen in the past two indiecades ive been to! this is a NEW OPPORTUNITY!
so i fucking SEIZE IT 

YESSS! MY VERY FIRST BOOTH AT A VIDEOGAME EVENT!
i proudly stand in front of it and wait around
wahh no ones coming up to it so i just start scoping out people i know to yell at
HEY, HEY YOU COME HERE YOU WANNA PLAY MY GAME
CHOOSATRON VISITED ME EVEN and said i could WRITE FOR THE CHOOSATRON!

 
as soon i’m able to start CARNIVAL BARKING though people i DONT KNOW, the people who i want to be ACTUAL PLAYERS OF MY GAME start listening to me with INTRIGUE
i explain the rules to strangers! i hand them a level with a pin on it, and they wear it!
i say IF YOU CAN FIND THE OTHER FIVE STATIONS and the HIDDEN LEVEL THAT DOESNT HAVE A STATION and then FIND ME, WHICH IS PROBABLY THE EASIEST PART OF THE GAME you could win a NINTENDO GAME!!!!
and jesus the word nintendo just makes people LOSE THEIR SHIT
man this eight year old kid, he was just like NINTENDO GAME???? AHHHHHHHH and ran away SCREAMING through the firehouse, looking for shit!
HE WAS ON A MISSION
he even gave me a freaking HUG before he left too
like an OH -MY-GOD-IM-GONNA-WIN-THANK-YOU-THANK-YOU-IM-A-WINNER-ALREADY hug
with my day made, i leave the fire station to EXPLORE THE FESTIVAL!!!
god i wish i could have played hoot pitooter

BUT I GOTTA FIND SHADE I CAN FEEL THE SUN HATING ME MY SUNSCREEN NEEDS A RE-UP BUT ITS STILL AT THE HOTEL AHHH
ooo its getting closer to NIGHTGAMES im getting EXCITED ooooo
oh hey, its KRIS LIGMAN again! shes been really easy to spot because we keep dressing the same every day and have the same haircut! TWINSIES!
oooo in a SNACK CIRCLE and richard lemarchand is hadning out hummus and dried fruit
FUCK I SPILLED DRIED STRAWBERRIES ALL OVER MY SWEATY SOCK BECAUSE I JUST HAD TO TAKE MY SHOES OFF TO WIGGLE MY SORE TOES GODDAMNIT THERES STRAWBERRIES IN MY SHOE NOW TOO UGH
as im shaking off my shoe HOLY SHIT SOMEONE RUNS UP TO ME I CANT FIND THE LAST ONE I HAVE SIX
and the level they havent found yet i can totally see from where im sitting, i tell them this, and point them in the general direction of where the level is, assuring them that yes i can DEFINITELY SEE IT if i look that way
they RUN OFF in that direction, searching for the last level and then RUN BACK TO ME AFTER FINDING IT SCREAMING THAT YAY! THEY DID IT THEY FOUND ALL THE LEVELS AND THEY FOUND ME

  HIS REACTION
i had confetti with me just in case someone won, something i wasnt planning on but its good to be prepared
and he GOT ALL OF IT YESSSSS RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF INDIECADE VILLAGE
and the friend with him also found all of it so he got a nintendo game too!
TWO WINNERS! AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW THEM!!!!

SO I SET UP MY PARTY TENT FOR NIGHTGAMES!
HUGE SHOUT OUT TO THE HANDFUL OF VOLUNTEERS THAT PUT UP WITH ME NOT UNDERSTANDING HOW COMPUTERS WORKED AND THEN BEING GRACIOUS ENOUGH TO INTRODUCE THEMSELVES TO ME AND IM SORRY FOR FORGETTING ALL YOUR NAMES
IF YOU WERE OR KNOW A VOLUNTEER THAT HELPED ME WITH MY TENT PLEASE CONTACT ME SO I CAN PUT THEIR NAMES IN THIS POST
 I HAD MY OWN TENT AT NIGHTGAMES
I THREW A FUCKING TRASH PARTY!!
the theme of my trash party was A BUNCH OF FREE TRASH CULTURE FOR YOU TO PLAY AND ROLL AROUND IN

translated that means i featured SEVEN FREE DIGITAL GAMES
– HOW TO BE A GREAT ARTIST IN TEN SECONDS by mcc and smestorp PROJECTED ONTO MY TENT WALL
- BROOKLYN TRASH KING by torah horse
– REALISTIC KISSING SIMULATOR by sparky and jimmy
PROBLEM ATTIC by ellaguro
GROIN GRAVITATORS by hulk handsome
– DAPHNY NEEDS TO SHIT by the radix
– and a digital version of FIND SHIT by me! woo!
i may have snuck some other games in but ILL NEVER ADMIT IT
along with this FABULOUS menagerie of games for people to play A TOTAL FUCKING BABE WHO GIVES REALLY AMAZING HUGS AND SMELLS WONDERFUL helped me provide ARTS AND CRAFTS!
very smoochable cutie– I MEAN LIST OF VERY SMOOCHA i mean HERES A LIST OF SHIT:
construction paper, bendy fuzzy colorful wire, pom poms, crayons, markers, tape, scissors, glue sticks, glow in the dark skeletons, neon rings, confetti, and a bunch of other shit so people could CREATE THEIR OWN TRASH CULTURE and TAPE IT TO THE WALL!

TIME FOR PARTY PICTURES!

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all the games in the tent had these really cool placecards! THIS ONE IS MINE oh what a handsome fellow modeling it!

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YES THESE PEOPLE HAD THE RIGHT IDEA! MAKE HATS! I WANTED ALL THE SILLY HATS

it was so funny because id just be running around in my socks (ITS MY PARTY AND I ALWAYS TAKE MY SHOES OFF AT MY PARTIES) yelling WELCOME TO THE TRASH PARTY! WOOO!
ENJOY THE TRASH CULTURE! MAKE SOME TRASH! PUT IT ON THE WALL! ITS THE TRASH PARTY WOOO!!!
and people would be like WOOOO and fucking MAKE MORE TRASH!

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that thing hanging was a COMPLIMENT BOX someone made, i read a thing from it that was mean and i waslike HEY THATS NOT WHAT YOU PUT IN THE COMPLIMENT BOX and someone yelled back “OH NO I READ IT WRONG”

 

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the trash was very successful! infact, one hour into nightgames, at only the 25 PERCENT COMPLETE LOADING BAR OF THE NIGHT, i looked around and realized THERE ISNT ENOUGH TRASH WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF TRASH TO PUT ON THE WALL
luckily my friend patrick, who was demoing yarn ball ILLEGALLY on his custom gameboy in my tent said WHAT DO YOU NEED
i listed off a few things and he RUNS AWAY
i panic, hoping he can find anything to keep my supply of crafts steady, calming my nerves by drinking from my custom “water” bottle
WOO WELCOME TO THE TRASH PARTY oh boy someones playing find shit let me tell them how much i suck at my game OH MY GOD ALL THE CREATORS ARE IN HERE PAYING ATTENTION TO THEIR GAMES I CAN JUST RUN AROUND AND YELL WOOO THIS IS HOW I LIKE TO THROW PARTIES WOOO
oh fuck! patrick is already back! AND OH MY *GOD* HE HAS AN ACTIVITY BUCKET
i run around the tent sprinkling all the new arts and crafts whereever people are making their own things yelling NOW YOU HAVE GLITTER NOW THERES MORE PAPER LOOK AT THESE MARKERS OH BOY *DUMP DUMP DUMP* FOAM DINOSAURS! ~mysterious patterned fabric that looks like its from a special game~ *DUMP DUMP DUMP* POPSICLE STICKS! CONFETTI!! WOOO TRASH PARTY!
oh cool elmers glue how the fuck do i get this open *SPLOOGE*
oh my god, oh my god my HAND is covered in elmers glue and HEHEHE its so sticky, hehehe my hand feels funny, hahah this looks like jizz heheh
WAIT
NO
IM HOSTING A PARTY I NEED THIS OFF MY HAND! oh god theres no sink around me oh god this isnt water in my water bottle OH FUCK I AM THE ABSOLUTE FURTHEST FROM THE CULVER HOTEL WHERE THE ONLY RUNNING WATER I CAN THINK OF IS RIGHT NOW
well i use my non-gross hand to slip on my shoes, shove my disgusting dripping bottle of elmers glue covered hand in the air and BOLT
oh god i cant run through people dancing so i start shouting AHHH I HAVE GROSS STICKY STUFF ON MY HAND AND I NEED TO WASH IT OFF IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY nad i get through the crowd pretty quick cuz im fast and slinky and no one wants to touch a gross hand
i make it to the gates, and i breathe! oh god it is not nearly as hot out here as it is in my tent
im still completely soaked from dumping a whole bottle of actual water on my head from BEFORE THE GLUE MISHAP (i have great timing) because PLASTIC TENTS FULL OF PEOPLE AND COMPUTERS  DONT VENTILATE WELL AT ALL
and jesus christ my tent was crowded hint hint my tent was almost TOO SMALL for my party hint hint
so i breathe and OH ITS THE BIG BALD BEARD DUDE FROM INTEL AND HES SMOKING I HAVENT SMOKED YET so i say omg give me a cigarette im on my break you see i spilled something gross all over my hand *makes a fist*
“daphny you sure seem to be good at getting yourself into sticky situations”
ITS NOT JIZZ ITS GLUE I WASNT GIVING ANYONE A HANDJOB I SWE–
and i see two cops
uh
oh god cops oh cops oh fuck cops
HIIMDAPHNYANDIMHOSTINGAPARTYANDTHISISGLUEANDIMABOUTTOWASHITOFFRIGHTNOWYOUSHOULDCOMETOMYPARTY
and they just laughed and said ‘WE WISH”
thank you police for not arresting me for being very loud in front of you holy fuck white skin you saved me again
SO CRISIS AVERTED HAND WASHED, RUN BACK TO THE PARTY, SHOES BACK OFF!

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this rando’s been showing up to my indiecade parties for like THREE YEARS NOW

so yeah, as the night went on my tent got freaking COVERED i mean wow i had no idea so many creative people would show up!  
the best part were all these really shy kids (like between 8-20) just standing at the table for a long ass time, the noise and the party and the stress of sweaty adults acting a fool disappearing around them, just finding some peace in being able to make something for themselves without pressure
like there were these two young sisters, who spent TWO HOURS at the crafts table, and their dad was eagerly looking around wanting to see the rest of nightgames cuz they got to my tent AT SEVEN, but was super happy with how much fun they were having
and there was this super tall silent kid, just spending a half hour on geometric paper art, and he made a cylinder a square and another cylinder covered in patterns that HE RIPPED WITH HIS FINGERS NOT CUT WITH SCISSORS, connected all to eachother, then silently hung it from a bar going across the top of the tent
and im like AHHHHHH YOU MADE ME A CHANDELIER and he just nervously nods and walks away to wander around the rest of the event

half an hour before the party ended i started running around nightgames screaming
I HAVE TO PUT ALL OF THE BEAUTIFUL THINGS ON MY TENT WALLS IN THE TRASH AFTER NIGHTGAMES, PLEASE HELP ME PRESERVE THE TRASH IF YOU WANT TO TAKE TRASH HOME RIP IT OFF THE WALLS AND STEAL IT
THIS IS NOW A CONSUMER-DRIVEN PARTY, STEAL THE ART! TAKE THE TRASH! BEFORE IT GOES IN THE GARBAGE
so a lot of people came and took things! but they didnt take all of it
so every time i put a handful of my temporary gallery into the trash im like APPRECIATE HOW EPHEMERAL THESE MOMENTS ARE *TOSS*
SOMEDAY THIS WILL ALL BE GONE *STUFFS IT IN THE BIN*
STEAL THE FUCKING ART BEFORE THE CITY DUMP DOES *puts foot on trashcan and pushes trash down to make more room for the gallery*

SO YEAH but guess what i STOLE SOME ART TOO here are the pieces i took home

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as SOON as nightgames was over i wanted to party more but nooooooooooo i had to go to bed early becauyse HOLY SHIT MY TALK IS IN THE MORNING AND IM GOING FIRST!!!

i heard a lot about people going to an ihop to be sad though

stay tuned for tomorrows post about that, the last day of indiecade, new friendship and ANOTHER PARTYYYYYYY

thank you for making this post possible. shit is rough but its getting more sustainable! if you arent my patron yet check it out!
exclusive patron-only content added TWICE A WEEK! every dollar makes me more able to focus on going to events and covering them SO YOU CAN READ SEE AND HEAR ABOUT IT!

0 Comments Posted by on October 23rd 2014 @ 4:48 am

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DAY TWO! FIND SHIT! SONY PARTY! NIECE PARTY!

so woooo do i sleep i think i sleep some, not much, THESE EVENTS GIVE ME FAR TOO MUCH ENERGY and im making the poor dev of groin gravitators, HULK HANDSOME annoyed already, and it was only the FIRST NIGHT
i have my badge now, my GAMEMAKER BADGE for my game FIND SHIT! look at my totally professional game dev lifestyle

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cosplaying as my game: obnoxious, irritating, garish

BUT I DONT CARE, WOO ITS MORNING TIME TO CHECK THE SCHEDULE OO PEN WARD AND DAVID O’REILLY ARE DOING A TALK ANDITSINFUCKING15MINUTESIMNOTREADYSHITSHITSHIT so i get ready REALLY FAST because i really want to meet david o’reilly! i saw him a while ago in SAN FRANCISCO and bought a thumb drive with all of the media that he had made up to that point on it
i STILL HAVE IT TOO wait lemme find it okay i found it

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during his talk in san francisco, where i got this he kept saying that he doesnt understand why everyone thinks hes obsessed with cats

so i rush! i find the bus! i missed the bus! i hate LA’s bus system! the man at the stop was very nice and made me forget about PUNCTUALITY STRESS by reminding me how im in a city full of shitty public transportation and cars that dont see me, so yes, goodbye punctuality stress hello PEDESTRIAN STRESS
the bus gets here! wooo! i get on and im all dit dit dit on my mobile phone, when a man with a LIT CIGARETTE sits down next to me
wow ive never had a nicotine fit like that, oh god its fucking horrible this is a tiny space oh god oh god SO I ASK HIM TO PUT IT OUT AND I HAVE ANOTHER CIGARETTE IN MY HAND TO GIVE HIM BECAUSE GODDAMNIT WE’RE ON A BUS BUT NOW IM RUDE AND DEMANDING IN A PUBLIC SPACE AND LET ME CATALOG EVERY POSSIBLE THING THAT COULD GO WRONG BECAUSE I WATCHED DOUG ON NICKELODEON WHICH ID LIKE TO THANK FOR MAKING AN ENTIRE GENERATION COME DOWN WITH THE ‘WORST CASE SCENARIO-ITUS” but hes just like “oh, yeah” and puts it out on the floor of the bus
then he opens up a box and hes like look what i got and its full of SHINY THINGS so im like ooooo, ahhhh ilike that bracelet, i like that color, i like i like i like OH FUCK I MISSED MY STOP and pulled the cord and walked off
whatever its just one stop, no big deal right? WRONG, CULVER CITY LIKES TO ADD AN ELEMENT OF LUCK TO EVERY INTERSECTION BY REMOVING ONE OF THE FOUR CROSSWALKS FROM EVERY ONE, causing you to be okay sometimes but most of the time you have to walk over 3 very wide streets and go around because NO CROSSWALK,  HA HA PEDESTRIAN! ITS JUST LIKE WALKING BUT A LITTLE HARDER! GAME DESIGN!

 

so yeah that makes me extra late and i get there and its FUCKING FULL

my phone records my bracelets SO LOUD they sound like im asking the warriors to come out to play or something, jeez o pete
man pen is talking about cartoons i wanna STARE AT DAVID O REILLY’S THI– nice hair, i mean I WANT TO HEAR HIM TALK
oh whatever ill sit outside and work on find shit
I COULDNT HAVE WALKED OUT AT A BETTER TIME BECAUSE AS *SOON* AS I COULD SEE THEM AND NOT HEAR david says “lets play this game where i fool you into feeling like your nose grew two feet, okay we gotta get kinda human centipede”
so there i am vividly imagining david o reilly eating pendelton wards poop while pendelton ward lies about how he doesnt like it and THATS what makes his nose grow!

SO LETS TALK ABOUT MY GAME NOW. the GAME I DESIGNED FOR INDIECADE EXCLUSIVELY d20ac8a1e8a9a04c9d5676f13fa35375since find shit was a game i made six years ago in klik n play, i really wanted to show how much i appreciated being an ~INDIECADE OFFICIAL SELECTION~ by making a SPECIAL EDITION  BIG GAME
i made six VERY HARD TO FIND POSTERS (if you squint really hard at the picture above you miiiight be able to see them, i dunno, they’re subtle) and hid them throughout indiecade, with INTERESTING INSTRUCTIONS AND THE HASHTAG #FOUNDIT14
well on friday i was still trying to figure out exactly how im going to make the stations work becuase ATTACHED TO THE POSTERS are the LEVELS they’re pieces of patterned fabric! you take as many as you want, pin one to you, trade them with others if you want
BUT LOOK OUT! THERES A MORAL CHOICE! YOU DONT HAVE TO GIVE IT AFTER FINDING IT you can HOARD IT, so instead of communicating you just run around finding levels and try to get ONE OF SEVEN GRAND PRIZES as quickly as possible! LIMITED SUPPLY SO YOU GOTTA GO FAST
since i added a hint of competition to the game, and prizes were to be won i knew that there would be people  who immediately ran off to find everything at the stations
WHICH IS WHERE THE *SECRET LEVEL* COMES INTO PLAY

i had a SEVENTH LEVEL, that you could ONLY GET if you figured out what levels looked like. they were all colorful garish patterns, and the secret one was BLACK AND WHITE. IT WAS ALSO HOUNDSTOOTH so it stands out on any piece of clothing
in order to get this level, you HAD TO TELL A PERSON WEARING IT THAT YOU FOUND IT, then that person would either have some extra levels on their person to give to you, or be coy and be like “what did you find? i havent seen anything *TOUCHES THE LEVEL* to fiiiiiiiiiiind, i guess you have to keep looking”
BzngvaACMAA00Mbor something silly like that, i started with about ten sleeper cells but also walked around whispering “congratulations you are now a secret level in find shit indiecade edition 2014 please wear this pattern and keep an eye out for more shit”
houndstooth is classy as hell so people were into it
this worked INCREDIBLY WELL
ill talk more about what happened throughout the weekend with my game! but   yeah thats the basics, friday was build MYSTERY get people CURIOUS day

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for being a pillar of strength besides having the worst girl– HEY I THINK I FOUND SOMETHING

finally im like FUCK IT IM DONE ~DESIGNING~ AND ~WORKING~ LETS GO FUCKING PLAY SOME GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMES
and oh, indiecade, bless your heart. i just, A PARKING LOT FULL OF GAMES ID NEVER HAVE HEARD OF OR BEEN ABLE TO PLAY ALL IN ONE SPACE
some sexting game that sends you dick pics if you error (groan, but yea the game other than that was amazing it had a PEEP SHOW)
A TENT FULL OF PEOPLE SCREAMING CAT CAT CAT CAT AHH MOUSE
A GAME WHEREY OU FUCKING PUNCH A BOWL OF CUSTARD OVER AND OVER
A GAME WHERE SWEDISH CHEFS COMMAND YOU TO THROW AND CATCH VEGETABLES FOR A SOUP AND THEN YOU ALL WORK TOGETHER TO GET THEM IN THE POT
A GAME THATS JUST MAKING PEOPLE BE IN A PLAY, BECAUSE OH SHIT, STAGE ACTING *IS* FUCKING PLAY
AN OCULUS RIFT GAME WHERE ONE PERSON WEARS THE HEADSET AND DESCRIBES A BOMB WHILE THE OTHER GOES THROUGH A PAPER MANUAL AND TELLS THEM INSTRUCTIONS FOR DIFFUSAL

PINK STUFF THAT YOU JUST FUCKING PLAY WITH, and the pink stuff is for everyone, not here to pay for indiecade? just walking by?
CHECK OUT THIS PINK STUFF

i see eva jolli AND OH SHIT SHES HOLDING A SKATEBOARD  
i run up yelling LEMME SEE IF I CAN STILL SKATEBOARD 
i havent skated in a while can i do it oh my backpack is heavy this is embarrassing nevermind take your skateboard

oh theres david o’reilly, hanging out with pen
OKAY I TALK TO PEN FIRST SO DAVID DOESNT THINK IM SOME KIND OF WEIRD FANGIRL
now that ive ESTABLISHED MYSELF i slide in like an idiot and on, like a breath say
hi i saw you in sf i have your usb drive i like the way you troll oh my god you have wonderful hair your game sucks but it was a good successful formula, yes i like the way you troll a lot okay bye, *runs away*
aw i didnt even take a picture with him damnit
ITS BECAUSE HES A ~CELEBRITY~ I GET SHY AROUND CELEBRITIES ESPECIALLY IRISH ONES WITH GREAT HAIR

ahem so yeah im basically killing time until the SONY PARTY i WANT TO DRINK WITH MY NIECE AT INDIECADE SHE TURNED 21 IN APRIL, WE’VE NEVER HUNG OUT WITHOUT FAMILY and shes fun!
my niece and i are just ZOOMING ahead of eveyone in our ever-growing posse, making fun of how slow they walk
and everyone at indiecade seems so bewildered why shes there, with a GAMEMAKER badge because, well, SHE DOESNT LOOK LIKE A TYPICAL GAME DEVELOPER AT INDIECADE
SHE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE INDIECADE WOULD HIRE TO SELL THEIR PRODUCT
which is actually funny, i told ashley that shes part of team find shit, and explained the rules while we were sitting in the park. she left really quick to get an energy drink from the store
on her way back there is ALREADY SOME DUDE FOLLOWING HER
so i scream ASHLEY DO YOU HAVE A THIRSTY BOY ALFUCKINGREADY
she runs up to me after sending him away, hands me his card, and proudly explains that she told him about my game! he was really into it!
fuck yes ashley you’re a spokesperson for find shit now, you made someone interested in a game called FIND SHIT
WELL THE SONY PARTY IS GOING TO BE CROWDED  so we may as well get in line!
WOW LINES ARE BORING WHAT DO I DO OH ILL GO TO THIS PLACE TO EAT OH NO IT LOOKS LIKE A TABLE FULL OF PEOPLE I KNOW ALREADY HAD THAT IDEA AND DIDNT SAVE ME A SEAT
fuck fuck fuck i hate lines i just wanna party oh god i hope my neice isnt an idiot when shes drunk ARGH I HATE LINES
I REUNITED WITH A COOL COSPLAYER THAT I BLOCKED TWO YEARS AGO BECAUSE OF SOMEONE I USED TO KNOW GETTING MAD AT HER OVER *VIDEOGAMES*
we didnt even realize who eachother were at first! she just talked to me cuz she wanted to know why so many people were covered in HOUNDSTOOTH!
SHE FOUND IT!

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THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT LINES IS RUINING CELEBRITY PICTURES HI SHAWN IS TREACHERY IN BEATDOWN CITY OUT YET WHY NOT HI FLOYD

  OH! THE DOORS OPEN!
THIS RULES IM SO READY TO HIT THIS OPEN BAR LIKE RIGHT FUCKING NOW
me and ashley are like BAM TOKYO TEAS, we hi five eachother for knowing how to start fast at the bar
AND THEN OH MY GOD ITS ZAK, THE DUDE WHO WROTE THE BOOK VORNHEIM TWO YEARS AGO AND WON NARRATIVE AT INDIECADE. WITH A BOOK.
AND oH SHIT its fucking mandy morbid shes in constant pain and the only way she knows how to cope is with BANGING so shes one of the hottest porn stars ever
WAIT I KNOW ZAK I CAN MEET KDSLJGDKDFKLGFJ

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thank you for not actually kissing me, ashley

OH YEAH THE MOUNTAIN DEW HAT
so last year at indiecade, after jenn frank, ted’s and my (well, jenns dead mom’s… technically) laptop ALL DIE ON THE WAY DOWN TO INDIECADE FROM NORTHERN CALIFORNIA
i blame my animal magnetism
BUT YEAH THEY ALL BROKE so we had to get new ones!
jenn just LOOOOOVES TO GO SHOPPING so we get all sorts of crap from target
she just, she zooms in on this goddamn mountain dew hat, OH NO, its love at first sight
we made a bunch of vines being bros with it last indiecade
then, a few months later when we left texas for gdc together  she lets me borrow the mountain dew hat, explaining that her and ted were being ADULTS this year at gdc!
like no backpacks, no jeans, buisiness cards the whole PROFESSIONAL SHIBANG two days later i see jenn running around yerba buena park in a fucking BANANA SUIT
MUCH TOO ADULT FOR A MOUNTAIN DEW HAT

but i returned the moutain dew hat to ted, who is bringing it home to its rightful owner
NOT WITHOUT MAKING ONE LAST MOUNTAIN BRO VINE THOUGH

i sit down at a table with john sharp and frank and naomi clark and all the smart new york OLD ACADEMIC IMPORTANT PEOPLE that are huddling in a corner together, hanging with their tribe
AND I MIX IT UP and ask about the games they’re playing
oh frank is talking to some aspiring designer
im listening and nodding yes yes tell me about your work when ALL OF A SUDDEN i feel a hand on my tit
naturally i look over about to get pissed OH ITS MY NIECE WITH ONE OF THE PORN STARS AND MY NIECE IS INTRODUCING HER TO ME AND SHES INTRODUCING HERSELF BY GRABBING MY TIT
i congratulate ashley on her excellent taste and go back to talking while being groped by someone whos making out with my neice
no big deal
after they walk away everyone looks at me kinda confused and i shrug and say “OH, ASHLEY”


another oh ashley moment

naomis head perks up and shes like HEY DAPHNY YOURE IN THE LA TIMES  “not all of the games at indiecade are serious (google daphny needs to poop)…”  HAHA THE NEWSPAPER IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTTHOLE AND THE STUFF THAT COMES OUT OF IT IM GONNA CELEBRATE WITH A DRINK

HI SHANE! OH WOW YOU FOUND THE SECRET LEVEL IN MY GAME TOO??? THATS AMAZING oh shit ashleys quiet shane go watch my hot niece and make sure she drinks that water and red bull i have PARTYING TO DO

IMG_20141010_230448

SEE, PARTYING

oh its getting late they’re closing

oh wow im WOW OKAY YES TIME TO GO HOME AND DRINK A LOT OF WATER AND GET TO BED SO I CAN GET READY FOR ANOTHER BIG DAY TOMORROW!
STAY TUNED FOR: FIND SHIT TAKES OVER THE FIREHOUSE AND ~NIGHTGAMES~

thanks for reading! friday was definitely the hardest to write about, it was the most chaotic and i was least prepared for everything that was happening that day
like theres so many people i partied with and shit on friday nad i cant do them all justice ARGH wait heres one more vine

HI JJ HI PATRICK HI JASON HI TED HI SQUINKYS PROFESSIONAL EXTROVERT OH WHO THE FUCK IS THAT oh hi ashley

0 Comments Posted by on October 22nd 2014 @ 12:12 am

Tags: , .
INDIECADE INDIECADE INDIECADE INDIECADE PART ONE!

full disclosure: I FUCKING LOVE INDIECADE

i love it EVERY YEAR but this year was THE BEST YEAR YET so i wanna talk about why!!!! i have tons to say so this is definitely going to be more than one post! i’ll spread the love!

WELL LETS START AT THE BEGINNING! i got invited to indiecade this year, as a GAME MAKER! for my game FIND SHIT! and i was also invited to do a SUBCURATION during nightgames and TO SPEAK ON A PANEL

but i dont wanna get ahead of myself just yet! first im gonna tell you all the boring FAMILY stuff

HORRIBLE DRAGON BOYFRIEND was a member of TEAM FIND SHIT this year, and it was his first indiecade which was very exciting for me because WOW ALMOST ALL MY FRIENDS GO TO INDIECADE AND I CAN DO A BULK HERE EVERYONE MEET HORRIBLE DRAGON BOYFRIEND, YES THAT ONE THAT I TWEET ABOUT A LOT YES HES HORRIBLE
but first
first

he had to meet MY FAMILY. since indiecade is in culver city, i always visit my sister’s house in MANHATTAN BEACH (she calls her house the easy to find crackhouse on the block! and i mean in ANY OTHER NEIGHBORHOOD itd be a pretty nice big one story house, but NOOOOOO on her block its dwarfed by FUCKING RIDICULOUS MANSIONS THAT ARE WAYYYY TOO BIG FOR ANYONE TO EVER NEED so yeah, its obvious she has the cheapest house in the neighborhood haha)
and ugh fine HBD come meet my mom and my sister and my neice ugh yes they all live together LETS GET THIS OVER WITH
so after the LOGN DRIVE DOWN (i carpooled with ANDI MCC and SPARKY) my sister picks us up from their hotel in culver city, and IMMEDIATELY HER AND A FUCKING HORRIBLE DRAGON JUST START MAKING FUN OF ME

MY MOM IS ALWAYS FROWNING

oh have a fucking picture of my mom and me and my niece it might be hard to figure out which one i am i dunno

UGH MY FAMILY

SO YEAH moment of truth he has to meet my mom, who was actually on her BEST BEHAVIOR! she didnt even call me a cunt!
oh god but like heres an example of my mom on her best behavior

so me her and HDB are discussing education, and my mom is having a hard time understanding that someone who didnt graduate college might actually be smart, or considered smart by peers, or invited to speak at places
she comes from a different time and country obviously but HOLY SHIT THIS CONVERSATION GETS OLD QUICK and being my mom she really knows how to fucking rile me up and piss me off and hurt my feelings
but im playing it cool, and just talking about how its nice to not have ANY DEBT like most of my friends who went to college
WOOO IM INVITED TO INDIECADE MOM IM A GAMEMAKER AND A SPEAKER WOOOO THEY WANNA HEAR ME TALK MOM WOOO and she says “you’re being supercilious” i look at horrible dragon, confused, and he tells me “wow i can count the number of times ive used that word in a sentence on one hand” and holds up NO FINGERS. NONE.
i ask my mom WELL WHAT THE FUCK DOES SUPERCILIOUS MEAN and she yells WHY DONT YOU LOOK IT UP and then storms out of the room
then HDB looks at the table and its a fucking book called HOW TO BOOST YOUR VOCABULARY AND SOUND SMARTER right there on the coffee table, and we flip through it, and LOW AND BEHOLD THERES THE WORD SUPERCILIOUS and she didnt even use it in a sentence well, hmph  

IMG_20141009_130237-EFFECTS

my neices old car, she stopped driving it so this vine just TOOK IT THE FUCK OVER

so yeah! we spend the night there on wednesday, and the day of the AWARD CEREMONY go CLOTHES SHOPPING because im supposed to DRESS LIKE AN ADULT for indiecade
my mom just got her social security money so she bought me like an ADULT DRESS and ADULT CARDIGAN and ADULT HOUNDSTOOTH (ungghhhhh houndstooth) tights AND OH GOD SHE EVEN GOT HORRIBLE DRAGON HOUNDSTOOTH BOXERS AND HE ALMOST TOLD MY MOM ABOUT WHAT HOUNDSTOOTH DOES TO ME BUT HE DIDNT NEED TO BECUASE I GRABBED THE BOXERS AND I WAS LIKE MOM MY BOYFRIEND FUCKING NEEDS THESE RIGHT NOW ANGKJDSHGKJFJ
oh god oh god hodgdfj ohoh um hold on
OKAY! so that night was the INDIECADE AWARD CEREMONYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
the freaking website said that it started at SIX and i guess it confused EVERYONE becuase there were a million people there at six and we were all being told that nonono its at eight and theres a pre-reception at seven and GODDAMNIT NO ONE TOLD ME THAT HUFF
but there was a pupseria nextdoor so that was delicious

the awards hadnt started yet so i could still be an immature baby buttface of course
BUT YEAH! THEN THEY DO START! OH BOY! TIME TO BE AN ADULT

 

ADULT FACES

the awards were cool, and like naomi clark comes up to me after its done, and asks me what i thought of the winners
so i say WELL RISK OF RAIN DIDNT WIN SHIT SO THAT MAKES ME HAPPY
but then got into REAL TALK and said it was interesting to see them describe games between the awards, and like if someone heard their game mentioned i could VISIBLY see stress leave their shoulders, because they didnt have to worry if they won or not anymore, like all this tenseness from developers bodies (since the award show was open to developers i was just sitting in a sea of nervous people wondering if they’re gonna win a cute robot) slowly dissipating
and i just loved screaming YAY at every single game! cuz they’re all winners! they’re all important, and they’re all A PART OF INDIECADE, and the air of competition that award shows put on seems to be the least thick at indiecade
and i think thats good because waiting to see if you’re gonna win a prize is fucking stressful!

BUT YEAH FUCK REAL TALK I WANNA PARTY SO WOOO im running around and i meet ONION GAMES
i scream at him about his hilarious twitter because he was sitting all by himself and no one knew who the strange old japanese man was but OH HORRIBLE DRAGON BOYFRIEND HAPPENED TO TALK TO HIM AND ASK ME IF I MET HIM
and of course i scream what ONION GAMES ARE YOU KIDDING TAKE ME TO HIM RIGHT NOW
he did, and of course i scared him with my LOUD LOUD WESTERN VOICE, but he was a better sport than KEITA TAKAHASHI who straight up pretended to not know ANY english  when i met him at venus patrol and screamed IM A RAINBOW YOU MAKE THE BEST RAINBOW GAMES I LOVE YOUR GAMES AHHHH

 

IMG_20141009_231053

bad lighting, good onion

AND AFTER WHAT, FOUR FUCKING YEARS OF
1. getting frank lantz to even fucking NOTICE MY PRESENCE
2. finding out he liked set because i am not creepy i just happened to be looking through an interesting persons flickr and getting really happy seeing a well-loved (see: USED UP) deck of set cards WHICH HAPPENS TO BE THE GAME IM BETTER AT THAN -EVERYONE-
3.  ISSUING THE INFAMOUS DAPHNY WANTS TO PLAY SET WITH YOU (its not a good idea, ask anyone) CHALLENGE
4. being called a COWARD repeatedly at game events where im like sup frank lets play set and hes like WELL DID YOU BRING YOUR CARDS??
5. finally getting him to admit that i am ‘probably’ better at set than him but then saying he’ll never tell anyone

AFTER ALL OF THIS i see him outside the award show and hes like daphny do you have your set deck and im like you know what GODDAMNIT FRANK LANTZ I WILL GO RIGHT NOW AND FUCKING BUY A DECK and hes like whoa  whoa youre better than me and i REMEMBER HAVING A LUXURY DEVICE so lets get this on THE INTERNET frank

 
oh gosh, that kind of sounds like another word, which is FINE because both are likely to be true
i mean, we havent PLAYED THE GAME EVER but im pretty confident in my abilities…….
at set!
GOD GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER

oh man and some guy came up to me and was like HELLO WE TALKED ON TWITTER AND I WANT TO GUSH TO YOU ABOUT KAZUKI TOMOKAWA  
a really raw emotional amazing guitarist/songwriter and like he BREAKS STRINGS of his guitar when he plays shows because he plays so fucking hard
dude was telling me all about tomokawa’s brother’s suicide and like what his lyrics mean
i dont really know japanese but i think this guy lived in japan for a while or something
IVE BEEN TO JAPAN TOO BUT ALL I LEARNED IS THAT ASKING FOR THE CHECK SOUNDS A HECK OF A LOT LIKE PLEASE POKE MY BUTTHOLE WITH YOUR FINGERS
the lady that owned the restaurant thought it was funny though and did not poke me in the butt
OH! AND THEY ANNOUNCED THIS THING CALLED ‘THE INDIECADE AWARD‘ which is basically you find any indiecade volunteer and tell them the persons name that you want to give an award to, then write a little blurb and then the volunteer FINDS THE PERSON AND PRESENTS THEM WITH AN AWARD!
TED DINOLA GOT ME ONE! I GOT IT LIKE LESS THAN AN HOUR AFTER THEY FUCKING ANNOUNCED THE AWARD!

BzkW3-7CQAADULi

“for surviving hell and pulling yourself up to be stronger than ever before”

so that was fucking amazing, and made me feel a lot better about seeing a whole bunch of developers not win trophies earlier in the evening, NOW EVERYONE *CAN* ACTUALLY BE A WINNER!

after the awards show i went to hang out at patricia, danielle, sophia (BUY HER ZINE FOR TWO DOLLARS ITS ALTERNATE TACTICAL RPG CLASSES SHE MADE THE ZINE FOR INDIECADE), and aevee’s hotel to watch them stream some videogame, and DRINK MORE

my hair that had been leaking all night totally made horrible dragon boyfriends shirt all orange on his tummy, cuz i was leaning on it and sweating SINCE I WAS SOOOO TIRED FROM SUCH A FUN FULL DAY OF ACTIVITIES AND AMAZING EXPERIENCES

I WAS SO TIRED I GOT DOG TOYS AND ALCOHOL CONFUSED
DAPHNY WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT DOG TOYS WHEN YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE GETTING SNACKS AND BOOZE FOR YOUR FRIENDS AT THE HOTEL ACROSS THE STREET
DAPHNY YOU ARE NOT A DOG, or are you a dog?
IS THAT HOUNDSTOOTH ON YOUR LEGS WOOOOOOOOF
oh speaking of WOOF lets talk about my outfit: fuckin houndstooth tights, cat dress, fish pin to make sure no ones looking at my chest, LOOK AT THE FISH LOOK AT THE FISH, and fish earrings
I WAS A WALKING FUCKING ZOO SUBSTITUTE TEACHER i felt ~fancy~

WELL I WAS GOING TO DO THURSDAY *AND* FRIDAY IN ONE POST BECAUSE I DIDNT THINK ID HAVE ENOUGH CONTENT FOR JUST THURSDAY, BUT I TOTALLY FUCKING DID
tomorrow im going to be writing about FOUND IT! : FIND SHIT INDIECADE SPECIAL EDITION 2014 HASHTAG FOUNDIT14
and maybe nightgames, but if the found it post is too long then nightgames will just have to wait

WOOOO FOUR DAYS OF CONTENT COMING RIGHT UP! keep an eye out for BLARGHCADE #6 TO SNEAK IN THERE SOMEWHERE!
and as always, this post wouldnt be possible without my wonderful and amazing patrons! I NEED THEM TO LIVE
if you’re interested in keeping this train a-rolling, consider BECOMING A PATRON YOURSELF 
IF YOURE ALREADY A PATRON i just did a big ass update to my page so you might wanna check it out! there is NEW EXCLUSIVE MATERIAL NOW

2 Comments Posted by on October 21st 2014 @ 1:02 am

i have SO MANY THINGS PLANNED FOR YOU indiecade was amazing! im writing about it and i found my FUCKING SPEECH! but for now im going to post a TEXT ADVENTURE that someone did for me (anonymously at the time) as a gift

this was all done over aim, i was the player, they were the game

ITS TOPICAL. THIS IS GAME DESIGN. THIS IS HOW YOU PLAY. anyway: enjoy DAPHNYS BIG DAY WITH DAVID BYRNE

You awaken in a field of grain. You are laying on top of a wet TARP. You hear the sound of water being poured on the ground to the EAST. You also hear occasional traffic in the distant SOUTH. There are a few clouds in the sky. Your command? > ?

>s

You walk dreamily towards the sound of cars going to and fro. You trip and fall when you reach a new area. You can see a SMALL KITTEN and a BONESAW. A sign points SOUTH to the UNIVERSITY. You can still hear water to the EAST. You could return NORTH to the grain field.

>look at kitten

The SMALL KITTEN has a human mouth, but is otherwise a normal feline. It seems to ask you if the two of you could be friends.

>ask kitten if it has a good sense of humor
>take bonesaw
>threaten kitten with bonesaw
>drop bonesaw
>take kitten
>look kitten
>hug kitten

The SMALL KITTEN licks your face, as it is the type that enjoys being threatened.

>tell kitten me too

You trip again. A sign points SOUTH to the UNIVERSITY. You can still hear water to the EAST. You could return NORTH to the grain field.

>e

The kitten skips gaily before you. A small, heavyset man pours water endlessly. He is filling a BOWL with the LARGE HOSE, then he dumps it onto a single drowning FLOWER.

You suddenly realize you can return WEST but there are no other openings.

>take hose
>use hose on man

The man screams at you, his jaw cracking and distending. There is no sign he will stop. The KITTEN crawls onto your shoulder, shivering. You drop the HOSE, disgusted.

>get bowl
>put bowl in mans mouth

You have successfully plugged the manhole. CONFETTI showers you. It is tiny pieces of various maps. You can go WEST or bother the MAN some more.

>tell kitten manhole was my favorite game when i was a kid
>look

The KITTEN giggles like a kid. You LOOK at the man. His eyes are filling with mucus and his nose is running with bloody pus. His mouth is full of the bowl as it sticks out with a good china pattern. His fat hands pound the ground intermittedly. Perhaps it is a CODE? His TIE is choking him, also

>get tie from man
>examine man

You rip the TIE from his neck. It actually goes through his SKIN. Now his HEAD is lying on the ground, with the BOWL still in it.

>well i guess i dont have to finish him off with the bonesaw now
>w

You DROPPED the BONESAW. Remember you can check your INVENTORY.

>i already dropped the bonesaw

You already DROPPED the BONESAW.

>i know that i was gonna go get it i was loosening his tie so eh didnt choke before i killed him
>SIGH

You trip again. A sign points SOUTH to the UNIVERSITY. You can no longer water to the EAST. You could return NORTH to the grain field.

>ask kitten what am i tripping over
>s

The KITTEN attempts to explain to you about the ONE HUNDRED WIRES that are in this area. It is too hard.

>oh i should grab the bonesaw

You head SOUTH. There is a large metal building with a BIN in front of it, labeled “pAsSwOrD ItEm PLeAsE”. There is a large, dangerous FENCE around the building. There is a broken TEACUP.

>n
>get bonesaw
>s

I’m sorry, you can’t do that.

>examine bin
>WHAT
>n

The bin has a small amount of blood in the bottom
You are near the UNIVERSITY. There is a large metal building with a BIN in front of it, labeled “pAsSwOrD ItEm PLeAsE”. There is a large, dangerous FENCE around the building. There is a broken TEACUP.

>i wanna load state from wher ei was standing inf ront of the man with his head fallen off

State loaded. There is a dead BODY and a HEAD. Also a dying FLOWER.

>what a flower

what
I’m sorry, you can’t do that.

>that wasnt there before
>get bowl from head

Yes, it was.

>drop bowl
>get head
>no

He was pouring water on it

>was it
>oh
>i thought he was pouring water in teh bowl

The GAME laughs at you.

>i read it

To pour on the FLOWER

>SHUT UP I READ IT
>sorry

Please do not yell at the GAME
State loaded. There is a dead BODY and a HEAD. Also a dying FLOWER.

>punch game
>get bowl from head
>drop bowl
>get head
>get flower
>w
>get bonesaw
>s
>give flower to game

You take the FLOWER and the HEAD and the BONESAW. You are near the UNIVERSITY.
There is a large metal building with a BIN in front of it, labeled “pAsSwOrD ItEm PLeAsE”. There is a large, dangerous FENCE around the building. There is a broken TEACUP.

The GAME thanks you.

>I WENT WEST AND GOT THE BONESAW
>WHY CANT I GET THE BONESAW

Oh, you have the BONESAW

>i was about to take my flower back
>put head in bin
>examine fence

BEEP BEEP BEEP! The fence is open!

>examine teacup

You can go into the UNIVERSITY now! You look at the TEACUP. It is merely aesthetic.

>drop bowl
>get teacup
>put teacup in bowl
>go university

You are now in the UNIVERSITY. Contrary to its name, it is actually a concert hall. DAVID BYRNE is on the STAGE. There is a CONCESSION STAND. The KITTEN whispers it would like some soda or something. There is a FULL PACK OF CIGARETTES on the floor.

>ffffffffgjkldskgdfkgjdfgdfgdkljdfg
>tell david byrne take it off
>tell david byrne PLAY I ZIMBRA

One command at a time, please.
DAVID BYRNE sweeps his beautiful hair back and winks ironically at you. The KITTEN is sad.

You are now in the UNIVERSITY. Contrary to its name, it is actually a concert hall. DAVID BYRNE is on the STAGE. There is a CONCESSION STAND. The KITTEN whispers it would like some soda or something. There is a FULL PACK OF CIGARETTES on the floor.

>go concession stand
>tell kitten hold on thirst can wait for david byrne
>wink unironically at david byrne
>oops
>one command at a time

System overload, reset load state.

You are now in the UNIVERSITY. Contrary to its name, it is actually a concert hall. DAVID BYRNE is on the STAGE. There is a CONCESSION STAND. The KITTEN whispers it would like some soda or something. There is a FULL PACK OF CIGARETTES on the floor.

>go concession stand

The concession stand is empty of all vendors. There is, however, a can of STRAWBERRY CRUSH.

>get straw crush
>give straw crush to kitten

The KITTEN is so happy, it lets you know that it has a BACKSTAGE PASS .

>YELL AT KITTEN I LOVE YOU DO YOU NEED HELP OPENING YOUR SODA
>get backstage pass from kitten

Please wait, the GAME is in hysterics.

You finger the BACKSTAGE PASS greedily. The KITTEN says it will be just fine because it has human fingers.
You are now in the UNIVERSITY. Contrary to its name, it is actually a concert hall. DAVID BYRNE is on the STAGE. There is a FULL PACK OF CIGARETTES on the floor. There is a door to BACKSTAGE.

>ask kitten why are you becomign more human you only had a human mouth before
>get full pack of cig

The KITTEN walks away, insulted

>YELL KITTEN
>YELL KITTEN
>YELL KITTEN

The KITTEN turns

>YELL KITTEN I STILL LIKE YOU I JUST HAVE A CURIOUS NATURE, YOU SOHULD UDNERSTAND BEING A *CAT* AND ALL

The KITTEN thinks that was a good thing to say and sits on your head.

>read backstage pass

BACKSTAGE PASS tells you where the BACKSTAGE DOOR is. DAVID BYRNE is on the STAGE. There is a door to BACKSTAGE.

>dance like david byrne
>yell david byrne PLAY THANK YOU FOR SENDING ME AN ANGLE
>OOPS MATH
>YELL ANGEL

DAVID BYRNE sees you and starts singing I ZIBRA

>stomp feet

You stomp your feet. DAVID BYRNE is on the STAGE. There is a door to BACKSTAGE.

>go backstage

You go through the DOOR TO BACKSTAGE and realize you are now dressed differently. You are naked. You can see DOOR TO GO ON STAGE.

>panic

I’m sorry, you can’t do that.

>freak out

I’m sorry, you can’t do that.

>DIFFICULTIES

I’m sorry, you can’t do that.

>tell kitten i know david byrne has a change of clothes mabye i can fit into his bigsuit
>ask kitten where is david byrnes bigsuit

KITTEN says “it’s folded up in your PACK OF CIGARETTES. good thing you grabbed it.”

>get bigsuit from pack of cig

You get the BIGSUIT.

>wear bigsuit

You throw the PACK OF CIGARETTES on the FLOOR.
You are now wearing the BIGSUIT. You can see DOOR TO GO ON STAGE.

>inv

…w o r k i n g…
KITTEN, BONESAW

>fuck
>game took my flower
>drop bonesaw

The BONESAW clatters on the floor.
The GAME offers you the FLOWER.

>get flower

You’re Welcome.
You can see DOOR TO GO ON STAGE.

>tell kitten if you werent here i would have nothing but FLOWER ha ha get it kitten
>go door

The KITTEN kisses you on the ear.

>shudder

I’m sorry, you can’t do that.

You burst out onto STAGE. DAVID BYRNE looks at you, his eyes taking you in optically. You hear the opening chords of Life During Wartime. He winks ironically. You can see some DRUMS, DAVID BYRNE’S HAND, and the BRIDES OF FUNKENSTEIN.

>wink UNIRONICALLY at david byrne
>ugh david ugh
>examine drums

DAVID BYRNE begins SALIVATING. You see the DRUMS. There are some DRUMSTICKS.

>get drumstikcs
>examine brides of funkenstein

They are SMOKING HOT.

>insert drumstick into bride of funkenstein
>insert other drumstick into other bride of funkenstein

OOOOOAAAAAAAGH the two BRIDES scream.

>play drums with funkendrumsticks

You have achieved your ultimate purpose.

You can see DAVID BYRNE’S HAND.

>stare at david byrnes hand

It’s right there.
You can see DAVID BYRNE’S HAND.

>give right funkendrumstick to david byrnes hand

I’m sorry, you can’t do that.
You can see DAVID BYRNE’S HAND.

>ffff
>put MY BUTT in david byrnes hand

I’m sorry, you can’t do that.
The KITTEN is trying to communicate with you.

>ask kitten what is it i want to put my butt on his hand
>oh shit

“He wants to dance with you.” the KITTEN says, and then fades away.
You can see DAVID BYRNE’S HAND.

>NOOO KITTEN
>get david byrnes hand

DAVID BRYNE’S HAND closes around yours. You know that this was the best GAME ever. As you begin to dance, you shed a few tears for KITTEN, but know it all worked out in the end.

_ _ _ _ THE END _ _ _ _
>yay
>score
>get score

WINNER
TOP SCORE
ONCE IN A LIFETIME

0 Comments Posted by on October 17th 2014 @ 6:03 am

Tags: .
BLARGHCADE #6: SYLVALION

WELCOME BACK TO A VERY VERY NOT ON TIME BLARGHCADE! sorry for last week, but job hunting is actually a full time job and im fucking WORKING OUT EVERY MORNING and the only reason i can sit still long enough to write this is because MY BODY HATES ME

this week, like EVERY FUCKING WEEK is a very special game thats very special to my heart
so most of you have heard of TAITO RIGHT
of course you have! i talked about a taito game not too long ago! and you know that they made BUBBLE BOBBLE RIGHT? well the lead designer of that fukijo mitsuji (WHO ENTERS HIS OWN INITALS IN GAMES AS MTJ) made a lesser known sequel called rainbow islands new zealand story BUT AFTER THAT

HE MADE THIS BAD ASS TRACKBALL YTOU’RE A HUGE DRAGON MECH SPACE MOTHERFUCKIN SHIP BLOWING FIRE EVERYWHERE AND ITS CALLED

SYLVALION

SYLVALION

lets take a brief moment of silence to remember MTJ and the awesome contributions he made to really fucking seminal arcade games in his time with us

OKAY NOW BACK TO THE ACTION

so syvalion controls with a TRACKBALL and youre this giant metal dragon flying through MAZES

sylvalionscreen2but this isnt your GRANDMAS TRACKBALL MAZE GAME that might have marbles and make peopel who suck filled with madness NO NO NO NO
this is a SPACESHIP PILOT SAVE THE WORLD GAME and your DRAGON is hard as hell to tame and just fuckin flies all over the place and GETS REALLY ANGRY AND HARD TO CONTROL if its bouncing off the walls because you SUCK AT PILOTING and dont even talk to me about hitboxes if you’re flying a dragon through a maze in space you NEED TO BE PRECISE

oh and you BREATHE FIRE! DID I MENTION THAT YOU BREATHE FIRE IN SPACE and the fire spit is HUGE AND BURNS DOWN ANYTHING IN YOUR WAY

 

fuckin badass

fuckin badass

oh except you have a fire meter so if you’re just holdingh down the fire and breathing all the time WELL DUH YOU RUN OUT OF BREATH SO YOU HAVE TO LET YOUR DRAGON INHALE SO IT CAN BREATHE ALL THE FIRE AGAIN!

SYLVALIONscreenoh also theres blue guys that dont die, so you have to PUSH them out of the way and then while trying not to bounce off the walls and lose control so you run into invincible enemies you have to kind of nudge them out of the way and politely excuse yourself as you pass through BECAUSE YOU HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS TO TAKE CARE OF YEAHH!!!! FUCKIN IMPORTANT SPACE PROBLEMS!!

another really cool part about the game is BETWEEN LEVELS it’ll actually tell you how to play! so after you beat a fucking BOSS

sylvalionscreen1a mean BUG MOTHERFUCKER BOSS that LOCKS YOU IN A ROOM and demands all of your fire’s attention while throwing a bunch of invincible bug poop (you can tell its invincible because the level EARLIER taught you that stuff covered in a blue outline cant be destroyed, and you can tell its poop because it looks like FUCKING SHIT OK) at you while you try to KILL IT WITH FIRE
gROSS, BUGS GET OUT GET OUT BUGS

SCREEN2you get an explanation of how to pl– WAIT WHAT THE FUCK IVE KILLED THREE BUGS AND ITS TELLING ME THAT THE *BASIC* SERIES IS OVER??? WHAT!!! WHAT IM NOT A BASIC BIAAAAATCH I AM THE MASTER I KILLED THREE WHOLE BUGS I DEMAND

aw the game started over
OH BUT I STILL HAVE CREDITS
WOOO FREE GAME but oh fuck now the games getting harder, and instead of TUTORIALS as awards you get ACTUAL MEATY PLOT LINE OOOOO

SCREEN4OH MY WHAT HAPPENS NEXT????? you’ll only know if you can master

SYVALION

you can play syvalion on MAME, SNES, or on taito memories volume 2 for the ps2! thanks for JOINING ME AGAIN FOR THIS WEEKS *ECHOEY MANLY CAVE VOICE* BLARGHCADE CADE cade cade…cade..de…

RENT IS DUE TOMORROW SO IF YOU WANNA HELP ME PAY IT THINK ABOUT GIVING TO MY patreon! AND REMEMBER, WE CANT MOVE FORWARD IN DESIGN UNTIL WE LEARN HOW TO LOOK BACK!

0 Comments Posted by on October 1st 2014 @ 5:14 am

JOB HUNTING IS SO MUCH FUN

kixeye_0001_Layer-6

SO DAPHNY

HOWS YOUR JOB HUNT GOING??? well you may be asking this because you’re CURIOUS why i havent posted a BLARGHCADE this week (dont worry i know the game and am switching the update day to sunday so i can devote my 40 hours to THE HUNT)

and wow daphny, theres a drought and you care about MONEY??? MONEY??? DONT YOU HAVE A PATREON??
yes i do and all of it goes to my roomate for rent so think about that when you have some extra money at the end of THIS MONTH ONLY!!!! ONE TIME OFFER!!! CANCEL YOUR SUBSCRIPTION TO KEEPING ME AFLOAT AT ANY TIME!!!

but yeah, ive been devoting a lot of time to POSTING RESUME, NETWORKING, JOB HUNTING AND ACTUALLY BEING AN ADULT

in fact the only reason i have the energy to write this right now is because horrible nightmares about guinea pigs being thirsty and fifty jumpropes woke me up before most adults go to their REAL JOBS

but thats beside the point! i wanna tell you about how COOL AND HIP you gotta be to get a job in the game industry!

take this company, the one in the picture, the one i wont name because i dont want them to search for this blog post and get mad at me because i dont wnat to get anyone mad because if i get ANYONE MAD RIGHT NOW I AM INELIGIBLE FOR ANY KIND OF JOB EVER! THATS SO COOL!

well lets just say you’re looking for a totally cool job in the industry, and you’re like WELL IM A GAMER! I WANT A JOB FOR ME! then this company is totally for you, its so for you infact that maybe you go and you click the CAREERS tab because who DOESNT WANT A CAREER IN THIS ECONOMY! AND THE ECONOMY WHERE IM LIVING CURRENTLY IS HOT SHIT! ITS SO HOT OUCH OUCH HOT POTATO I CANT EVEN TOUCH IT WITH MY BABY HANDS FOR VERY LONG OW OW OW OW PASS THAT POTATO TO SOMEONE WHO CAN AFFORD GLOVES

then you! yes you! person with those gloved hands those really super cool futuristic space suit looking motherfuckin gloves that you probably got in sky mall while sipping your overpriced alcoholic beverage, WHICH IS TOTALLY COOL BECAUSE FLYING IS *STRESSFUL* AND YOU DIDNT HAVE TIME TO PACK THE XANAX THAT YOUR FRIEND OF A FRIEND OF A FRIEND GAVE YOU FOR EMERGENCIES!

yeah! you! im talking to you! hi five gamer! life is HARD

so you click this careers tab right, and this TOTALLY BAD ASS MUSIC THAT SOUNDS LIEK SOMETHING OUT OF A JAMES BOND MOVIE but not those old ones with bad acting and hot chicks but one of the NEW ones with bad acting hot chicks and TOTALLY SWEET COMPUTER ANIMATION (which you could totally do with your eyes closed, am i right?) pops up and is like YO BRO IM LOADING PLAY FLAPPY BIRD OR SOMETHING FOR A SECOND

and then BAM like sweet juices dripping from your favorite porn actresses naughty bits you are offered a CHOICE
and you think “FUCK I LOVE MORAL CHOICES IN GAMES THIS IS EASY SHIT”
AND THAT CHOICE
OH ITS A GOOD ONE
it is “desert eagle” because you’re a precision MASTER or and heres the fuckin kicker! TOTALLY HUGE BAZOOKA BECAUSE FUCK AIMING

and you’re like oh this is a trick question becuase man i spend so much time HEADSHOTTING AND TEABAGGING NOOBS ive got that precise aim shit down im picking DESERT FUCKING EAGLE
which is the top result and its not like you have time to read those silly words anyway you’re a man of ACTION SO YOU CLICK THAT SHIT YOU CLICK IT and you click it PRECISELY you dont want them to think you’re some kind of noob saibot

yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh bro! you did it! aw man now its time for a multiple choice quiz this better not be like some cosmo shit that is for OLD LADIES

oH SWEET I GET TO SHOOT AT MEAT, CHICKEN, FISH, OR A CAN OF scam?? thats FISHY but not as fishy as that FISH I BET IT SMELLS LIKE A GIRL and IM NO CHICKEN YOU CANT TRICK ME

and the first question asks you what do you think of your boss
MEAT SAYS MENTOR
CHICKEN SAYS IDIOT
FISH SAYS DOUCHE
SCAM SAYS GIRLFRIEND

bro thats a no brainer, a real man would shoot the meat and say mentor
only a wuss would answer idiot
EW DOUCHE IS A THING GIRLS DO
and girlfriend? fuck that IM NOT 12

so of course you shoot the meat because you’re a REAL MAN RIGHT! YEAH! WOO! BLAM BLAM and you shoot it TWICE becuase you have the desert eagle and those tiny bullets dont one shot especially if you shoot a piece of meat in the RIBCAGE which happens to be hanging from the meathook!

and since you’re a REAL MAN you dont even read the rest of the questions, you just keep shooting the meat over and over

OH SHIT YOU GOT 100 PERCENT! GOOD JOB BRO, NOW YOU CAN TURN IN YOUR RESUME! GOOD LUCK WITH THE JOB RECRUITMENT PROCESS I HEAR THE COMPANY IS EXPANDING AND THEY’RE HIRING HELLA COOL GAMERS LIKE YOU

One Comment Posted by on September 25th 2014 @ 3:59 pm

THIS WEBSITE AND ALL ITS CONTENT ARE CREATED UNDE RA CREATIVE COMMONS LISCENSE AND IS PURELY FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. IT REPRESENTS THE PERSON WHO MADE IT AND NO COMPANY THAT SHE WORKS FOR IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, 2014

0 Comments Posted by on September 22nd 2014 @ 10:58 pm

Tags: .
BLARGHCADE NUMERO FUNF: FIRST FUNKY FIGHTER

bosskilledap8

 

CADE CADE GOSH ITS TIME FOR BLARGHCADE AGAIN hello everyone its been a freaking week hasnt it WELL YOU SEEM TO BE SLOWING DOWN YOUR POSTS DAPHNY jeez o pete

 

let me tell you

LET ME TELL YOU

something totaly fucking unrelated to BLARGHCADE but oh god fucking FIND SHIT IS IN INDIECADE  ALREAfDY KNOW THIS BECAUSE IVE BEEN FUCKING SCREAMING ABOUT IT EVERYWHERE but this is my

professional

personal

website

BUT YES that is an EXCITING adventure and has nothing to do with anything get on with it daphny we’re here for real ga— OKAOYMKOAYKAEOYJTGDKOFJTG

so im PUMPED im really PUMPED for this weeks game, its a game that when people ask me my favorite game i never say it but then when i see it i remember YES THIS IS MY FUCKING FAVORITE GAME

so lets sit down and have a little history lesson, shall we?

okay so like you know how whack a mole is FUN AS HECK and the tickets they spit out and who cares about the mallet anymore lets just use our hands and WHACKING MOLES MOLES MOLES MOLES MOLES get out of those holes i feel kinda bad whacking them but its okay since they keep popping back up for more!

WELL theres this company called TAITO that makes OLD ARCADE GAMES and they um, well, they made whack a mole except instead of moles its DINOSAURS AND MERMEN AND SHARKS AND IM SCREAMING BECAUSE I CANT PUNCH THIS FUCKER FAST ENOUGHHHHHHHHHHH

The_First_Funky_Fighter_-_1993_-_NakanihonHOLY SHIT ITS THE FIRST. FUNKY. FIGHTER. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

so here you are hero, you’re taken BACK IN TIME and what of course you have a hot girlfriend but REPTILES AND SHARKS HAVE TRAPPED HER AND YOU GOTTA PUNCH SOME FUCKING GUTS OUT TO GET TO THIS TOTAL BABE

hqdefault

shes like ~oh no im too animeeeeeeeeeeeee pleaseeeeeeeee oh dear these gross icky creaturesssssssssssss my blonde hair is WAIT HOW IS HER HAIR NOT ON FIRE THATS NOT CANON

so yeah sharks and dinos steal your girl, to get her back you gotta punch

AND FAST

funkyfigi have never seen a first funky fighter machine in my life, what i do is i use the NUMPAD on a KEYBOARD in A MAME EMULATOR and mash those keys like my life depended on it !

so like yeah, the 9 buttons each correspond to a part of the screen so if you punch a button you punch thatt PART OF THE SCREEN

and there are dudes swarming ALL OVER and you have to just fucking hit the right button at the right time and hope you punchknifekickbitepunch them before they get away and then DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

HERE COMES A MIDBOSS WHO YOU HAVE TO chase and punch fast enough AROUND THE SCREEN SHITHTSIHTITHIXSHTSI before time RUNS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fff04which is really hard

I CREDIT FEED THE HECK OUT OF THIS GAME but likt doesnt really matter i think you can beat it in 3 or 4 quartes!

so after the midboss fucks off you do more MASSHASHASHAHSAMSAHSSA in the amazon jungle sewer primitive IT DOESNT MATTER THERE ARE MONSTERS AND I NEED TO PUNCH THEM

now THIS IS WHERE I GET CONFUSED theres a bonus round but my dude always just goes HEYAAAAAAAAAAA god where is that sound the sound of hius HEYAAAAAA is really hilartious

SHIT THIS GAME IS SO GOOD

it gets me really PUMPED but its also really HARD so you might suck at it !

0

HEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

NEXT WEEK BLARGHCADE WILLL BE A LOT MORE FUCKING CALM it’ll be nice see you next monday!!

i accept small consulting fees of 1-5 dollars a month on my PATREON

 

 

0 Comments Posted by on September 16th 2014 @ 4:20 am

Tags: .
BLARGHCADE #4: METAL *FUCKING* BLACK

THIS ONES GONNA BE SHORT BECAUSE I ALREADY HAVE A VIDEO

METAL BLACK IS A GAME BY TAITO AND ITS THE BEST HORIZONTAL SHOOTER LET ME shit okay caps huff

here is a BULLET LIST (like the back of a videogame box) why its good

-horizontal shooters are actually extremely good vehicles for narrative because ALL OF THE PASSIVE NARRATIVE (THINK CUTSCENES) is happening in THE BACKGROUND while you pew pew pew lazer shoot everything
-soundtrack by ZUNTATA, taitos houseband, they make all the good music in taito arcade games

CHECK IT OUT ITS THE NINJA WARRIORS SONG LOOK AT THESE NERDS WHO RULE AT MUSIC

-really silly ending thats an homage to 2001
-COLORS
-LASERS
-FUCKING SUPER LASER BATTLES WITH THE BOSSES WHERE YOU HAVE TO MASH A *DIFFERENT* BUTTON REALLY HARD TO SHOOT A BALL OF ENERGY IN THEIR FUCKING FACES
you  can super laser WHENEVER YOU WANT as long as you eat enough of the magical floating beans called NEWALONE to charge up your SUPER LAZER

but you should only use it on the bosses because the bosses eat beans too and they shoot lasers BACK AT YOUR FACE hence the GIANT SUPER BALL OF ENERGY BATTLE

watch the video it explains everything its the first level

 

0 Comments Posted by on September 8th 2014 @ 9:34 pm

Tags: .
BLARGHcade #3: BLASTER

DOES PARADISE EXIST?
CAN CIVILIZATION BE STARTED AGAIN?
THESE QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED AT THE END OF YOUR JOURNEY
PAX IS FINALLY FUCKING OVER and we didnt kill games but we sure did get close!
SO TO KEEP UP WITH MY PROMIUSE TO YOU, MY LOYAL PATRONS MY HUNG OVER ASS IS HERE WITH THE THIRD EDITION OF MY FEATURE on arcade games!

everyones heard of eugene jarvis, everyone whos reading this i think.
oh, did i hear someone say no i havent? WELL THATS WHY IM HERE TO TEACH YOU
eugene jarvis made this totally colorful amazing ridiculous and silly little tiny game, really little
i mean its fucking old and its one screen and its just flashing colors and beep boops and you shoot bad guys and rescue good ones and it didnt even have a fucking BUTTON
no the start button doesnt fucking count
what was it fucking called, something super generic and forgettable
OH YEAH
ROBOTRON

but anyway im not here to fucking talk about that game im here to talk about ITS SEQUEL
WHY YES THERE IS A SEQUEL TO ROBOTRON
AND GUESS FUCKING WHAT
ITS WAY BETTER
AND ITS CALLED

BLASTERLOGO2

wait i mean
BLASTERLOGO6

shit thats not it either

BLASTERLOGO3

GODDAMNIT GET IT RIGHT

1181242060403

jeez FINALLY
blaster has TWO BUTTONS blasters TWO BUTTONS ARE

blaster

BLAST AND THRUST

AND IT HAS A NEW DIMENSION AS WELL! THATS RIGHT ITS A FIRST PERSON RAINBOW FLY THROUGH SPACE SHOOTER
its *whispers* THREEEEEEEEE DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Blaster_-_1983_-_Williams,_Inc.

the first level is super cool, you fly through RAINBOW SPACE LAND and dodge GIANT RAINBOW ROBOTS while flying through white arches, its really cool because it gives someone who isnt used to playing games in a 3d space (REMEMBER THIS IS NINETEEN EIGHTY THrEEEEEEE) a way to move around and get used to this brand new dimension in games!
you know like when silly babies have to learn to aim in the toilet so mommy puts a duckie or a target in there for you? the first level is like that
BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE CANT LEARN ANYTHING UNLESS ITS A GAME (wink)

so yeah! you’re flying on the surface of party planet and you MIGHT RECOGNIZE THOSE GIANT ROBOTS BECUASE THEY’RE HUGE VERSIONS OF THE INDESTRUCTIBLE ASSHOLES FROM ROBOTRON

but whatever you’re in a spaceship now and its time to TAKE OFF so woooosh you fly through enough arches and then OH GOD WHAT IS THIS
//
IM A LOST RAINBOW SPACE MAN? wait no im not im IN A FUCKING SPACESHIP AND I HAVE TO SAVE THIS FLOATING LOST SPACE BABY
Blaster_-_1983_-_Williams,_Inc. (1)

at least hes dressed well, i mean what kind of jerk WOULDNT wear rainbow flashing colors if they’re planning on getting lost in FREAKING SPACE
okay okay so pick up the dudes and dodge rocks i got this, this is basically a bonus round
WAIT A MINUTE EUGENE YOU TRICKED ME IT *IS* A BONUS ROUND oh boy i have a feeling things are going to get waayyy ha— WHOA WHATS THAT FLOATING E SHIT IM GONNA GET IT

then WHOOSH YOU COMPLETELY FUCKING SKIP THAT LEVEL LIGHT SPEEED MOTHERFUCKER, WHO CARES ABOUT ALL THESE LOST ASTRONAUTS THE NEXT FUCKER CAN PICK THOSE UP FOR ME i paid my goddamn quarter im busy FLYING THROUGH SPACE

oh god oh god ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING SPACE VAMPIRES HOW THE HELL DO I FIGHT SPACE VAMPIRES oh i have an idea ill just BLAST THE FUCKERS OUT OF MY WAY woooo take that WHAT THE FUCK SPACE CATS BUT I LOVE CATS
EUGENE THATS MEAN WHY WOULD YOU SHOOT A CAT
oh right, videogames.

i dont want to spoil TOOO much of the fun because i really think you should find an arcade machine that plays this or if you’re a dirty criminal i think you can figure out a way to steal it but i DO NOT CONDONE STEALING FROM EUGENE JARVIS he is one of the most important designers EVER
like really
like hes really important
like so important that someday i better shake his hand because blaster is my favorite game i am STOMPING MY FEET
i bet he google searches himself “EUGENE JARVIS” “EUGENE JARVIS”
two times is enough i dont want to summon him into my lap or anything
i mean
OKAY ARGH BACK TO VIDEOGAMES

so yeah, theres a fuck ton of awesome flying rainbow color first person 3d beautiful levels and if you dont FUCKING SUCK you can mayyyyyyyyyyybe make it to paradise
WHAT IS PARADISE?
im not going to spoil it, but trust me its WORTH IT AND AMAZING there *are* smooches

SMOOCHES GUYS
SMOOCHES

play blaster

BLASTERLOGO5

BLAST AND THRUST YOUR WAY THROUGH RAINBOW SPACE AND IF YOU DONT SUCK YOU’LL GET A SMOOCH AND MAYBE SOMETHING MORE

i cannot confirm or deny the existence of paradise. you must find out for yourself

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK FOR BLARGHCADE #4 I LOVE ARCADE GAMES AND SO SHOULD YOU
WE CANT MOVE FORWARD WITHOUT LOOKING BACK

0 Comments Posted by on September 2nd 2014 @ 11:18 pm