FIRST id like to open with a silly anecdote, just to set the mood
a long time ago a pal of mine WHO SHALL REMAIN FOREVER ANONYMOUS was working alongside mr blow and chatting with me online when my friend FARTED in proximity to mr blow, i OF COURSE immediately tweeted ‘MY FRIEND JUST FARTED ON JON BLOW” (not naming him of course), my friend URGENTLY asked me to delete the tweet, afraid of jon’s google alerts outing my friend before the smell DISSIPATED.
i always thought that was a hilarious mental image, blow’s phone beeping with an alert of some wall-eyed cartoon character on twitter screaming MY FRIEND JUST FARTED RIGHT NEXT TO JON BLOW
NOW LETS GET DOWN TO BUSINESS
people wanting to buy jon blows new game just shows how complicit we all still are in classism, hes said on twitter if you dont have 100 dollars to spend on greenlight your game isnt worth being on greenlight, and in an interview with kotaku australia said that its *~*~HARD FOR HIM TO THINK*~*~* ABOUT SOMEONE HAVING A HARD TIME COMING UP WITH 100 DOLLARS which displays his lack of awareness of what its like to not have 100 dollars to INVEST because all of your money is going to IMMEDIATE survival needs (food, shelter, bills). ALSO hes frequently displayed the archaic GOOD PROGRAMMERS VS BAD PROGRAMMERS mentality, whining about BAD PROGRAMMERS ruining the industry (in this statement ruining actually means NEW PEOPLE WHO DONT PROGRAM LIKE ME HAVE MORE ACCESSIBLE TOOLS THAN I DID WHEN I WAS PRESIDENT OF UC BERKELEYS ELITE PROGRAMMING CLUB)
also this shit about ‘wahhh but he invested so much money into the witness” GUYS HES A CONSULTANT THAT CAN CONSULT WITH ANYONE HE WANTS, HE’S A SMART BUSINESSMAN AND THEY ALL INVEST MONEY, but he doesnt actually have to make a game thats interesting anymore (not like braid was that interesting to begin with) because he’s some figurehead for first wave indie
like imagine if jonathan mak or derek yu or raph koster hand waved their success because WAHHH MY DADDY DIDNT TALK TO ME WHEN I GREW UP, I FORGED MY OWN PATH (under the wing of a strong parental unit, which he should fucking count as a BLESSING)
blow shut up everyones dad was distant ESPECIALLY in american culture when you grew up, the truth is he was a well off american white boy in california who went to college (DROPPED OUT A YEAR EARLY BUT THATS STILL A LOT OF ACADEMIA TIME), learned business, and got people into buying his games by conflating time spent on a project with artistic integrity
but like come on braid is mario and the witness is myst
and people are SCREAMING ABOUT CLONES when hey all game developers make ‘clones’ somea re just sneakier than others
theres the whole ‘this isnt an intelligent conversation im leaving’ fiasco when i was talking to him with a NOTED ACADEMIC DEVELOPER by my side. like ive never met someone so purposefully UNself aware while at the same time spouting eastern philosophy and italo calvino quotes, like some kind of fucking guru OH WAIT YEAH I HAVE HIS NAME WAS LIKE RONALD HUBBARD or something
the truth is all jon blow is good at is consulting and doing tai chi in the park, his games are a cash grab, and he takes advantage of the ’empathy game’ in a really slimy way, but OH HES SUCH A GOOD CONSULTANT then go fucking consult and stop making nostalgia cash ins OR KEEP MAKING NOSTALGIA CASH INS JUST STOP ACTING LIKE THEY’RE SOMETHING ELSE sheesh its not hard
his indie fund is such an insular money making scheme, indie fund pours TONS OF MONEY into huge boring investments instead of paying smaller projects for actual ambitious and unique creative work. of course this isnt ALWAYS TRUE but they gauge what they fund on GUARANTEED SUCCESS not ARTISTIC POTENTIAL. its not a fund for people who are breaking out, its a fund for those who want to GET RICH. thats a fine goal to have, but the lack of transparency with indie fund should really set off any outsiders red flags
AAA indie indeed. but GOTTA SUPPORT THE ‘COMMUNITY’ even though that just means ‘pay for toys that i wont choke on’ BY WHICH I MEAN safe, large, colorful games with no sharp edges or heavy handed messages, nothing outside your gamers nostalgia comfort zone, that might make you learn something
i’m not some KNOW NOTHING upstart either, i was at the braid release ‘party’. a small velvet roped-off corner of an unrecognizable overpriced bar and lounge in sf, where people who have already played the game a ton (testers and friends of jon) sat around and played it some more, then waxed philosophical on what the game was about EVEN THOUGH THEY ALREADY KNEW BECAUSE THEY HELPED HIM IN THE GAME CREATION PROCESS while people who were actualyl there to party and drink stared SILENT AND BORED. that was not a party for me so i left pretty quick, its possible that things got rowdy and fun after i left (SERIOUSLY DOUBT IT BUT WHO KNOWS). it was a good glimpse into OLD GUARD coder/gamer culture, the isolation in a public place, the exclusivity, its much easier to literally rope yourself off with those you know than to actually engage a potential audience
its easy to not challenge yourself and find new, culturally relevant artists who actually set the trends that people like blow follow five years later and stick to the stuff we know. everyone knows witness will have interesting puzzles and probably look pretty good, but everyone also knows that it’ll be benign and inoffensive because it NEEDS to make lots of money to return its investment
thats just business, so stop acting like its art
AND HERE IS MY COLLABORATIVE ART PIECE WITH JON BLOW: MY OWN VERSION OF THE WITNESS, ITS FREE AND ITS SEVEN SECONDS AND ITS ALREADY ONLINE
but daphny jblow doing exercise to get healthy just isnt funny HES JUST IN A PUBLIC PLACE MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS guys he claimed that he got all he could get out of conferences by speaking at them, which is basically saying IM TOO GOOD FOR GDC then he spends half the week at the park RIGHT OUTSIDE GDC THAT EVERYONE EATS LUNCH AT doing tai chi. alone. surrounded by peers.
BREAKING NEWS! JON BLOW PEED IN A JUG AND BRAGGED ABOUT IT ON TWITTER have a storify full of jokes about how hard it is for jon blow to get up and go to the bathroom to pee
OF COURSE I MADE A VINE ABOUT IT
AND OF COURSE IF YOU ENJOYED THIS POST PLEASE CHECK OUT MY PATREON AND CONSIDER BECOMING ONE FOR EARLY ACCESS TO WRITING LIKE THIS and other projects
edit: the joke i made orginally about tai chi being for old people was racist, it didnt take into account the long historic tradition of tai chi so i removed it THANKS COMMENT SECTION
SHIT HELLO WEBSITE ive been doing a lot of fucking streaming lately sort of ALSO VIDEOS OF ANGRY COOKING ILL CROSS POST MY THING FROM PATREON if you dont read it I MEAN I THINK IT ANNOYINGLY EMAILS PEOPLE WHEN I MAKE POSTS and nothign is more annoying than your email yelling at you READ THIS NOW so instead poopdoggyballs dot com will yell at you READ THIS NOW
im working on becoming an OFFICIAL WASHINGTON RESIDENT i have been floating in the state for like a year now but im seeing healthcare professionals and civil servants and YOU KNOW, HELP, PEOPLE WHO GET PAID TO HELP and they’re walking me through how to apply for housing and medical care and food stuff and ALL OF THAT JAZZ
i have been assured it is OKAY FOR ME TO ASK FOR HELP because ive been in this state for a year, so i just have to fill out A SHIT TON OF PAPERWORK and be on my merry way to being some kind of resident, i mean if the state itself will allow me to call it my home i wont shit on that, yanno?
BUT LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MEDICAL BUERUARACY it fucking suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks and anxiety suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks nad constant panic attacks THAT YOU NEVER EVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
but evberything else is really good! MY KEYBOARD HAS NAILPOLISH ON IT IVE BEEN UPLOADING COOKING VIDEOS TO http://SWEARNET.COM (click on the fan zone i dont know if the videos show up for people who DONT have accounts there but WHATEVER) i got back into TWEETING AWESOMELY and TAKING LOTS OF PHOTOS hdb let me use his LUXURY TABLET so i have a vine machine again and OH YEAH STREAMING ive been streaming more often at http://twitch.tv/poopdoggyballsda.. STILL DONT HAVE A SCHEDULE SET UP i MADE AN OFFICE FOR MYSELF IN THE CLOSET so hdb and i can PHYSICALLY SEPERATE when im staying at his place i GOT ENGAGED i cant figure out a regular time to stream every day until i get ALL MY LEGAL DUCKS IN A ROW not that im doing anything illegal its just becoming a resident of a STATE is much harder than i thought (i mean i was born in california and never had problems with residency stuff because i ONLY WANTED TO LIVE THERE) but now i DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT TO LIVE THERE i want to live here!!!! DESPITE THE SEATTLE CHILL WHICH I WILL NEVER FUCKING GET USED TO
i do want to be honest about one thing: my patreon has CARRIED ME for this past year. your contributions HAVE kept me alive, fed me, gave me enough money a month to help other people around me, im sorry that i dont have LITERAL RECEIPTS of where your money goes but i mean, everything i buy is recorded by MY BANK so if you’re suspicious call the bank haha, they wont tell you anything its a credit union so don’t fucking do that its a bad idea
community organizing/management is my full time job that i feel like i deserve more money for. my patreon is proof that people don’t value my ACTUAL, REAL, HARD FUCKING WORK despite what a good job everyone TELLS ME im doing, i get paid SHIT and the success that i create doesnt value me with money
SOMETIMES I GET VALUE THROUGH GIFTS AND FRIENDSHIP but i wanna fucking pay my goddamn bills
i want to fucking pay rent
and job HUNTIN is a full time job so that on top of everything i do on the internet on top of just talking to my neighbors on top of trying to JUST LIVE IN POVERTY is hard. im used to it, but i dont want it forever. WHO FUCKING WOULD????
some people wont listen when you just want them to be excellent to eachother, and those people are not worth your time. your time is yours and you dont ever have to waste it on WASTRELS AND RAGAMUFFINS AND DEGENERATES AND SCUMBAGS, no matter HOW MUCH THEY ACT LIKE YOU OWE THEM you dont fucking owe anyone shit until you get a FUCKING BILL. i live in late capitalism, late being the key word, but still capitalism. they arent my rules i just play by them
also this zine is great you should get it OH SHIT AND THIS ONE TOO CHERRYS HOROSCOPE MAD LIB COLOR ZINE
please vote for next blarghcade
AS ALWAYS CHECK OUT MY PATREON IF YOU’RE INTO THIS KIND OF SHIT
nothing is right at this moment, the alley is loud my hands always shake i have to get fully dressed to smoke a fucking cigarette and half the time when i manage that some asshole in teh rich apartments across the alley loudly closes their window as if to say YOUR SMOKE YES YOU YOUR PARTICULAR SMELL OF SMOKE IS WORSE THAN THE SHIT PISS AND OTHER SMOKE THAT I ENDURE IN LIVING IN THESE AMAZING APARTMENTS THAT ARE NICE AND HAVE BALCONIES AND WINDOWS THAT OPEN THAT YOU CAN ACTUALLY PUT A PLANT ON THE WINDOWSILL
im fucking mad at everything!
for real though theres a guy in teh back alley who just wants to LAY DWON AT NIGHT AND SLEEP but people come out and fucking literally drag him awake because he ???? what???? SNORES? he is no louder than the fucking CHINGCAHNKTILYNSCREEEEEEEEEEEEECHHATEYOUREARSFOREVER of the fucking metal judge dredd barricade for your FUCKING GARAGE IN YOUR APARTMENT COMPLEX
we dont even have a parking lot
ive always lived through class warfare, and even though im a first generation irish american (my mother literally moved here when she was 18-19) i benefit SO SO SO SO MUCH from my whiteness
so when this shit goes down i throw myself on the front lines adn get pissy
WHY DONT YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE ill yell
DONT CALL THE POLICE JUST LET HIM FUCKING SLEEP
I LIVE HERE AND YOU YELLING AT AN OLD MAN IS MORE ANNOYING THAN AN OLD MAN
like even if he was constantly farting and made of weird glass that clanked when he moved he WOULDNT BE ANY MORE ANNOYING THAN the ten thousand garbage bins full of ikea leftovers that you make the garbage people pick up THREE TIMES A WEEK when my apartment complex, in a historical 100 year old building with solid oak doors and a old timey-phone in the hallway GIVES US EVICTION NOTICES IF WE DONT SEPERATE OUR COMPOST PROPERLY THEY ARE WEIGHING THE TRASH DONT YOU GET IT POOR PEOPLE
*rich people across the way throw out 40 playstation 2s and 1800 rolls of toilet paper and 50488 rubber baby nipples and one ton of cat litter and ikea furniture SO MUCH IKEA FURNITURE YOU COULD BUILD A FUCKING POWERRANGER MEGAZORD WITH IT and then break into the expensive apartments and see that they have air conditioning in the halls and mail keys that work and no hissing pipes and windows that seal and a sink thats not cloggged
SO IM WHINING
i hold this shit in all the time BUT IM WHINING TODAY because last night was INSUFFERABLE
the neighbor who has been stressing me out, every time he introduces himself to me he says “EYYYYYY DAPHNY *shoulder grab or big hug out of nowhere* THAT TIME I JUMPED ON YOUR BACK TO SHWO THAT I COULD KILL YOU IN THE ALLEY yeah that doesnt mean anything” and then he’ll say I DRINK. while spilling his beer fucking everywhere
like ill walk down the stairs to smoke my HORRIBLE CIGARETTE IM RUINING THE WORLD WITH IT CLOSE THE WINDOWS YOUR WINDOWS WORK TAHTS VERY NICE oh shit i didnt put on a skirt well tights are leggings who gives a shit theres people TRYING TO SLEEP so be fucking polite and quiet and just look at your phone
YES YOU CAN ALWAYS HAVE ONE OF MY CIGARETTES i cant say no
YES IF I HAVE MONEY I WILL ALWAYS GIVE IT AWAY i cant say no
i get stopped at least 2 times just to get bread from the store, and out of those two times, half is meeting someone new and making an entirely new connection with and they’re really nice there was a lady with a labradoodle that was like FUCKIN BIG i think he was part schnauzer honestly and she told me about living in japan and i cant remmebr much because i was really into petting her dog
im sitting here trying to think of
oh hold on im gonna take some pictures and SMOKE THE HORRIBLe
i didnt go outside im on the toilet again, its safe in here its small and theres a hum and goddamnit im already done peeing just one second
okay im back in my nest shit where did i put MY PHONE okay im having horrible dragon boyfriend message it over and over on line and i bet hes going to spam me with shrek icons when all i wanna do ~is see him turn into~ A DRAGON BOYFRIEND goddamnit get that song out of my fucking head
it wont but i dont eed to talk about that show because it speaks so highly for itself
i always say IF IM NOT YELLING ABOUT IT its not worth experiencing and well HHOOO BOY THIS MONTH YEAR DECADE how old am i? slice my arm and count the rings DO THEY STILL MATCH MY BRACELETs perfect i am in harmony and now i can move onto my NEXT NEUROSES
the guy who assualted me!!! i dont like him!! PEOPLE HAVE CALLED THE COPS ON HIM MULTIPLE TIMES
last night some dude had a girl over oh heres the hard part how do i get these shitbags off my phone IM OLD SO OLD oh i dont have data of course not i spend money on immediate not bills im a caveman i live simple i GOT THE PICTURES OFF MY PHONE OKAY
VERY CLOSE they were VERY CLOSE and i remember when i first visited seattle in the middle of a california drought this same balcony had a girl in a bikini on it YEAH it was during pax adn she poured a bucket of ice water over her head and filmed it because BALCONY???? DROUGHT/?????? THATS SO VIRAL ITS A VIRUS YOU’RE INFECTED WITH BEING WASTEFUL TO OH MY GOD I AM SUCH A FUCKING dirt crawling grub
i want to mole into a burrow this instant BUT I WONT I WILL FIGHT THESE INVISIBLE CHILLY CHAINS WITH uh tap water and rice or maybe beans i guess thats cool
i DONT want your money money is worthless sily funny food we play with to make ourselves feel better and im not into it id just rather SHOOT THE MANS IN THE HEADS WITH THE VIDEOGAMES
for real i love destiny
I ADMIT IT and im ashamed and no one will play with me but whenever i play online im like LOOK AT MY ACTUAL GOOD HAIR LETS MAKE THE NUMBERS GO UP IN THE BEST MENU SINCE PERSONA 4/ A HATE STORY/ WE KNOW THE DEVIL
ohhhhhhhhhh i use the nintendo controller like a computer the tiny eight year old monster barks at me while i “click” on shit I FUCKING HATE CLICK DOWN BUTTONS I SWEAR TO GOD i cant tell if im running half the time i cant tell if i have to hold it down THAT SEEMS INTENTIONAL TO WEAR ON THE PAD YOU WANT TO GET THE MOST OUT OF A CONTROLLER not the least out of a controller
no i like the ps4 controller a lot but dont fucking tell me theres ten billion tiny nintendo controllers in the touch screen because i WILL .. FUCK . IT. UP.
i like it when the numbers are yellow it means i hit the right hidden object go me for having eyes to see the thing which to point and shoot at it makes me happy this is not something to talk about completely uncontroversial whatsoever
BUT MY HAIR ITS LIKE A WOOOOOOOOOSH
THEY GOT THAT SAINTS ROW FLAIR GOING ON SO GIMME THAT BIG ASS MOHAWK
THE NOISES ARE SO GRINDY its incredibly hard to concentrate you have no idea
every time i try to record at the peak of the NOISE IT QUIETS DOWN OF COURSE so i just get annoying static sound llike this https://vine.co/v/e2lmV2AKmhE
just loop that on top of itself for infinity FOREVER and also make sure its louder
so hdb bought some 45 dollar headphones WHICH FREAKED ME OUT THATS SO EXPENSIVE HOW CAN WE HAVE 45 DOLLARS we are safe you have a family thats right
I GOT ALL INTO JUST FUCKING WITH THE NPCS i woud talk so much shit i am MORE AGGRESSIVE and angry i WONDER WHY
and when i beat it i said
KING? I TAKE THAT
and thats probably kinda racist but my brother thought it was funny and i got this game for him for free, hes never got a game before launch so he thought he had to sneak around because he wasnt ALLOWED TO BE THERE
he always thought he was in trouble
and TOOK IT I DID I TOOK THE CROOK FROM THE STOKIN KING AND KING KONG DIED AND THE STORY DOESNT MATTER AT ALL i just wanna find the hidden objects and press buttons so when i press the buttons im hovering over the hidden objects so yellow colors come out this is my motivation, the color yellow PROBABLY BECAUSE I ALWAYS HAVE TO PEE
i put the headphones on because the guy across the way keeps bringing girls over and im sick of hearing fake orgasms so id rather hear FAKE PLANETARY VIOLENCE be solved
thats it, destiny is noise canceling headphones. 9/10 bonus plus .01 for the shitty paul mcccartney song in the tower
oh! so the reason i was talking about neopets was becuase destiny has realy long annoying inbetweens and i play neopets during them LOOK AT MY GLORIOUS PET ITS MUCH MORE WELL EQUIPPED THAN MY DESTINY WARRIOR
IF ONLY I WAS NEOPOINT RICH IN DESTINY I THINK i mean they’re basicaly the same i have the lab ray that FWOOSH GIVES ME A RANDOM BOOST
im actually getting bored of this now but my neopet REFUSED TO PLAY WITH A SEVEN YEAR OLD PLASTIC SWORD HOW COUULD HE!!! it was tradition!!
ITS A WASTE OF TIME
BUT I KEEP DOING IT
THATS A HARD CROWN TO WEAR BECAUSE HOLY SHIT I LOVE KINETIC ART im not going to look up the definition because the way i define it could be totally wrong and i dont want to fuck up my perfect view of what i think kinetic art is
I mean feel free to correct me if you WANT you’ll just be MUCKING UP THE PERFECT EBB AND FLOW OF MY VISION
anyway kinetic art is basically art that changes depending on how you look at it
so like YOU CANT REPRODUCE EXPERIENCING THE ART WITH JUST A PICTURE even a picture of how it changes from differnet angles because you get a lot out of kinetic art by how YOU move around it
i dont think it necessarily counts as KINETIC ART per se but i think the AMBASSADORS by hans holbein could be a weird proto-example of kinetic art because of how the skull appears at different viewers time in examining the painting, like its not changing but the art consumers AWARENESS OF IT suddenly changes everything about the painting, like a 16th century ‘when you see it you’ll shit bricks’ kind of motherfucker
i guess game screenshots, as we know them can be considered some kind of kinetic art because instead of the viewer moving around a sculpture or painting, another viewer FREEZES A POINT OF TIME IN A GAME,and in some videogame glitch videos get a moment that is extremely hard, or even impossible to duplicate, like in my ghost train to the afterland red dead redemption video
and that totally breaks the rules because thats a moving documentation of something unintentional in art and its A WHOLE DIFFERENT SUBJECT so lets just get back to kinetic art that DOESNT MOVE you move around it
oh man now im thinking of board games as kinetic art but FUCK IT LEMME SHOW YOU THE AGAM
i turned final fantasy six back on to try and maybe play it some more in the middle of the night, then realized THAT HOLY SHIT IT IS NOTA GOOD TIME TO BE BARRAGED WITH RANDOM BATTLES AND CLASSIC HEROS TALE QUEST BONANZA CHARACTERS AND MAGIC AND ESPERS AND PHOENIXES AND ULTROS AND SHITTY OPERA
i was like no, fuck that. FUCK THAT IM GONNA LOOK AT RAINBOW ART THAT CHANGES WHEN YOU WALK AROUND IT
and then i decided to share it wtih you
omg HE MADE AN ATARI GAME SO YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN YAACOV AGAM ART PIECE SO AMAZING SO AMAZING LOOK AT THIS YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN KINETIC ATARI ART
today at the seattle library i went down the GREAT BIG NONFICTION SPIRAL and found issues of COMPUTER AND AUTOMATION and the august 1967 issue had this FREAKING AWESOME COMPUTER ART CONTEST and so much of it is AMAZZZZZING lemme show you the FINALISTS and then the winner! you can click for a closer look if you SO DESIRE
BOXES: the corner of each rectangle was generated by random numbers. The x dimension of the box was determined as 1.09 times the coordinate. this resulted in a random spacing of the rectangles with a random pattern to their size. The design was made on an IBM I620 with a 1627 plotter, and was programmed in FORTRAN
GIRL — AND GIRL SHOOK UP: a package of subroutines for manipulating arbitrary line drawings was used in preparing these drawings. They were plotted by a CalComp 565 plotter, offline from an IBM 7094/II. “Girl” was programmed as 700 points by Gordon Deecker. In “Girl Shook Up”, each of the 700 points making up the picture was randomly displaced in the vertical direction. The displacement is normally distrubuted with mean of 0 inches, standard deviation of .3 inch, maximum displacement of .3 inch up or down
PICTURE OF AN OLD WOMAN: A picture of an old woman was placed in the memory of an IBM 7094. Mathematical strategies were then applied to the original data and in progressive steps, the image of the old woman was stretched in the Y direction and compressed in the X direction
SEEING STARS: The most important element in this drawing is direction. Positioning is only predetermined with maximum and minimum sizes. Stars grow from the three-pointed star in the lower righthand corner to the nine-pointed star in the center of the picture.
MAN AND HIS WORLD: Shown here are frames from a 16mm film entitled “Man and His World” made in connection with Expo 67. The film was produced by programming in a special macro-extended version of the BELFIX language (which in turn is written in macro FAP)
ILL MACRO FAP SOMETHING ALRIGHT
The output in each instance is a 252-by-184 array of Charactron characters produced by the Stromberg-Carlson 4020. The resulting black-and-white film was subsequently printed through sequences and combinations of colored filters and a soundtrack added by traditional methods
okay i have another picture of this one because i like it
I REALLY WANNA FUCKING SEE THIS MOVIE I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THE SOUNDTRACK IS LIKE AND ALSO WHATS A CHARACTRON IT SOUNDS LIKE A ROBOT SERVANT THAT I NEED LIKE, RIGHT NOW
FACES IN RANDOM LIGHT AND SHADOW: A line drawing was transformed mathematically into a shaded image. Then a spiral, rectangle, triangle, and star were used as character symbols through each line segment. A random number generator determined the intensity; size of each symbol is a function of its distance from a reference point outside the picture
I STARED AT THIS ONE FOR A REALLY LONG TIME I RECOMMEND LOOKING AT THE BIG IMAGE
LOOK I KNOW MOST PEOPLE WHO READ THIS ARE LIKE SUPER DUPER PROGRAMMERS BUT ITS REALLY COOL HAVING STUFF THAT MOST PEOPLE THINK IS BASIC SHIT NOW BROKEN DOWN IN A WAY THAT I ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND ALRIGHT SO FUCKING BEAR WITH ME JEEZ O PETE
CYLINDERS: Picture of an image being displayed on a cathode ray tube. In the Ambilog 200 computer memory is a description in three-dimensional coordinates of the image. The image is similar to two intersecting cylinders. The image is drawn line-by-lines at an overall frame rate of 40 frames per second
I ALSO REALLY LIKE HOW CLINICALLY NAMED HALF OF THEM ARE and then the other half are totally art projects, not something thats all WHOA LOOK WHAT MY COMPUTER CAN DO HIRE ADAGE INC AT FOURTY FRAMES PER SECOND
but sometimes the clinical actually sounds like something really artistic too!
FRIENDLY FLOWERS OF SPACE AND TIME were programmed in extended ALGOL, read into a Burroughs B5500, and plotted on a CalComp 565 plotter. The snowflake crystal as it appears in nature is hexagonal, delicate, and has twelve degrees of symmetry. By calculating the coordinates of the points for one-half of one branch of the snowflake and making the proper reflections and rotations, intricate snowflake designs were approximated, and randomly placed.
LOOK I KNOW I ALREADY MADE A KID PIX REFERENCE BUT HOLY SHIT THERES DEFINITELY A SNOWFLAKE PAINTBRUSH AND I GUESS I KINDA GET HOW THEY DID IT NOW THIS IS FUCKING *EDUTAINMENT* FOLKS
RANDOM WAR, 1967: A computer program which generates random numbers is called a pseudo-random number generator (HEY I KNEW THAT!). Such a program determined the distribution and the position of soldiers on the battlefield. The program places each soldier into perspective. Names were assigned to each soldier. A random number generator also decided who is to die and who is to be wounded. A picture 30′ X 100; (a portion shown here) in color of the battle was produced by the comptuer and gave the following information: (1) Total number of dead on each side (2) Total number of wounded on each side (3) Number of dead and wounded in each of 40 sectors of the battlefield and (4) Identification of the dead and wounded in alphabetical order.
POWER OSCILLATION PERSPECTIVE: A perspective view of the power oscillation at a particular location in a nuclear reactor during a xenon transient. Drawn on a CalComp plotter by a FORTRAN program on the Philco 2000 computer
FLIES TRANSFORMED: The distribution was based upon a combination of random numbers placed inside a region such as a triangle and then a transformation was made to another region such as a half circle. This was a problem in conformal mapping.
THE ARTICHOKE: I GET IT BECAUSE IM CHOKING ON THE MAGNIFICENCE OF THIS ART RIGHT I MEAN
A hexagon is rotated clockwise and counter-clockwise while being reduced in size.
AND THE WINNER IS
SINE CURVE MAN, 1967: a picture of a man was placed in the memory of an IBM 7094. Mathematical strategies were then applied to the original data. The X value remained constant, and a sine curve function was placed upon the Y value. GIven the X and Y coordinates for each point, the figure was plotted from X1 = X, Y1 = Y + C * SIN (X) where C is increased for each successive image.
WOOOHOOO heres a bonus picture of a small computer
SHIT I JUST READ THIS IS FROM THE FIFTH ANNUAL COMPUTER ART CONTEST IM GONNA HAVE TO GO BACK AND FIND THE BEST OF THE FOUR YEARS PREVIOUS AND HOW EVER MANY YEARS THEY DID AFTER THIS SHIT LIBRARIES ARE EXCITING YOU SHOULD VISIT YOUR LOCAL LIBRARY AND GO THROUGH ALL THE REFERENCE MATERIAL EVER YOU COULD MAKE LIKE FIFTY WEBSITES
posts like this are brought to you by MY PATRONS, so if youd like to see more frequent posts by me, please consider donating so i can POST THINGS FULL TIME itd be awesome to FIND THINGS FOR YOU FULL TIME and sometimes even WRITE FOR YOU FULL TIME
IN JUNE 1984 ATARI ACTUALLY KILLED VIDEOGAMES.
videogames were SUPPOSED TO BE RUINED by there was a delay because atari wanted to wait until i was born so the death of videogames could be blamed on me. i was born in 1984 yes okay its just a coincidence THE REAL CULPRIT IS THE ARCADE GAME
we’ll get into why it killed videogames later let me first tell you about why this fucking game is FUCKING AWWWWESSSSOME
its been argued as the first 3d game a lot but i think thats bullshit the first 3d game was obviously tag i mean have you ever tried to play tag with paper it doesnt fucking work the paper just flies away don’t even try it i swear it doesnt work, trust me STOP LEAVING TO TRY TO TAG PAPER IT WONT WORK DAMNIT
sorry i was thinking about tea and paper has something to do with tea im sure
BACK TO I ROBOT
so yes, A FUCKING FULL 3D GAME IN 1983 so next time one of your star fox nerd friend tries to open their mouth about how awesome and ahead of its time their sacred cow snes game is you gently hold your finger against their lips, shake your head and whisper, “hush baby. you haven’t heard of i, robot”
the premise is pretty simple, you gotta jump around a blue area in space touching all the red floor to turn it blue because you dont like red in your house this is a BLUE HOUSE GET YOUR RED ASS OUT OF HERE
colors are important OH SHIT AND DOES THIS GAME HAVE COOOOLORS they’re really bright and garish and flashy and are really reminiscent of blaster honestly i dont know what happened to color in western games like is it because the pixels are so small now so everything mashes together and turns brown? like thats what happens to my shit but i dont make an entire games color palette based on it YOU CANT JUMP WHEN THE EYE IS OPEN BECAUSE IT WILL SEE YOU AND TELL ITS PALS AND THEN ALL THE ROBOTS WILL MAKE FUN OF THE WAY YOUR HIPS WIGGLE WHEN YOU JUMP
okay im sorry lets just have the official description speak for itself
“You are an unhappy interface robot (#1984) in rebellion against “Big Brother” and his EVIL EYES. The evil eye dictates the law. The evil eye will kill you if it sees you breaking the law. Your mission is to destroy the evil eye.”
OH RIGHT THAT MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSE JUMPING IS ILLEGAL SO YOU HAVE TO DESTROY THINGS THAT MADE JUMPING ILLEGAL
have i mentioned the evil eye is fucking SCARY AS HELL like look at that shit who WOULDNT just be paralyzed in TERROR when they saw that fucker
it also makes me hit the button in a panic so the eye is a great enemy no matter what kind of fear it instills
theres also birds to avoid but i mean, its a fucking videogame with jumping of course theres annoying birds thats just videogame rule number one basically, i think the quote was “HATH THE VIDEOGAME JUMPS? THEN BIRDS THERE SHALL BE” language was weird in the 80s, right?
oh and in between each level you get to take your gummy ship, i mean robot and fly through shooting bad dudes and changing boulders colors til they disappear and dodging debris to the next level! THIS IS SUPER FUTURISTIC WHEN WE WERE NORMALLY USED TO HANG OUT ON ONE 2D SCREEN THEN THAT 2D SCREEN CHANGES TO A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT BUT DEFINITELY THE SAME KIND OF IDEA 2D SCREEN
you fucking feel yourself TRAVELING BETWEEN LEVELS, like theres a little landing pad at the beginning of the next one that says LAND HERE
it gives them a sense of space! this just isnt a maze or set of platforms within a tv screen, this is the type of game 8 year old me would press their face against to try to see outside the boundaries of whats happening on the monitor because THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING ELSE OUT THERE
its pretty amazing
god and there are 126 LEVELS!!! thats a fucking shit ton for 1984!!!!!
also theres only one button, you may thinK BUT I HAVE TO DESTROY THE EYE HOW DO I DO THAT BY ONLY JUMPING IM NOT MARIO IM A ROBOT well you do it by LOOKING AT IT but before you can do that you have to destroy the SHIELD which is just the number of red squares you havent walked on yet!
THE POSTER IS BEAUTIFUL TOO I CANT FIND A HIGHER RESOLUTION OF IT BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU THOSE ARE INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO PLAY AND IF I ACTUALLY HAD THE POSTER (HINT HINT) I COULD EDIT THIS POST AND RESCAN IT AND GIVE DETAILED IMAGES OF THOSE LITTLE INSTRUCTIONS ON THE BOTTOM COULDNT I, OH IF ONLY THERE WAS A WAY TO GIVE ME MONEY SO I COULD BUY THAT POSTER AND IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF THIS POST THAT WOULD SURE BE COOL oh thats just my patreon you should check it out, i like to make things ENOUGH ABOUT ME LETS GET TO THE BEST PART OF I ROBOT
so when you insert your quarter into this beautiful cabinet
you are then presented with a CHOICE. you can either play I ROBOT or if you select the left option you may enjoy DOODLE CITY: THE UNGAME
no im not fucking kidding there were non games wayyyyy before tale of tales came along
doodle city basically presents you with objects from the game which you can manipulate and turn around and a bunch of neat debug switches so you can make SUPER FUCKING COOL LOOKING EFFECTS
ALSO the ungame isn’t some kind of free play mode either. you are subtracted ONE LIFE for each minute you spend in DOODLE CITY (time flies when you’re having fun) and after you lose all three lives you lose your credit. you can spend a minute or two in doodle city and then get down to buisiness fighting big brother at the expense of some of your lives. you can leave doodle city any time, but you’re gonna need more quarters to come back
MY DESCRIPTION CAN NOT DO IT JUSTICE LOOK AT FUCKING DOODLE CITY
im sorry i could not stay quiet during doodle city its just too fucking good
so yeah you should fucking go play i robot AND IF YOU MAKE ANYTHING REALLY NEAT IN DOODLE CITY LEAVE A COMMENT WITH A SCREENCAP OR A VIDEO OF YOUR CITY OF DOODLES! LETS BUILD A DOODLE EMPIRE TOGETHER! BIG BROTHER CANT STOP THIS LITTLE INTERFACE ROBOT FROM HAVING FUN WITH ARTISTIC INTEGRITY!
fuck! moving has thrown me all out of whack BUT I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN MY HISTORY LESSONS TO YOU, FAITHFUL READERS about amazing arcade games that we should PRESERVE and LEARN FROM
yes! blarghcade, the blargh sounds for MY WORDS SPILLING OUT LIKE PUKE
delicious ~educational~ puke
todays game is VERY SPECIAL TO ME and i recommend you read this post with the volume ALL THE WAY UP
because its one of the most COLORFUL INTENSE SOUNDING STRESSFUL GAMES EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR and its by taito in 1982! YES
zoo keeper is an obnoxious sounding game with obnoxious colors about OBNOXIOUS FUCKING ANIMALS WHO BREAK YOUR WALLS WAY FASTER THAN YOU CAN BUILD THEM
you run a zoo. and your zoo is pretty low budget because its just you running it! and you’re A BRILLIANT ZOOKEEPER the gimmick to YOUR ZOO is that ALL THE FUCKING ANIMALS ARE IN THE SAME CAGE
because people love it when animals are PISSED OFF AND HAVE ENERGY so this is a very popular zoo you’ve created!
but also its fucking low budget so your job is to RUN AROUND SCREAMING AND THROWING ROCKS IN A PILE that your asshole agitated animals are CONSTANTLY BREAKING DOWN and trying to escape
but whatever instead of spending money on, say, cement you thought ‘NO I CAN LOWER THE GRAVITATIONAL FIELD AROUND MY ZOO so when they start running amok ill just HOP RIGHT OVER THEIR HEADS” this also boosted the popularity of your zoo
every once in a while someone watching your zoo will throw you a four leaf clover or mug of root beer for your energetic antics but like who fucking cares THERES ANIMALS ON THE LOOSE
sometimes you have a net that SHOVES THE ROWDY ANIMALS BACK INSIDE but it doesnt last for long because cheap net vs lion/ostrich/snake vs HALF A DOZEN OF THEM is bound to wear out pretty fast!
at the end of your hard work day you get to jump from floating car to floating car upwards to your girlfriend who lives under a coconut tree and stop off at flying car snack shop for a sundae because you dont ACTUALLY want to go home to her
shes always pissed at you for having the worst idea for a business and throws coconuts at you because she thinks YOU belong in a zoo
and by the time you get home anyway its ALREADY time to get back to work at the zoo!
WELL THATS MY CANON ANYWAY, BUT HAVE SOME PLAY FOOTAGE AND MAKE YOUR OWN CONCLUSION!
OH GOD AND NOW LETS LOOK AT THE CABINET AND OVERLAY because arcade machine porn is the bestttt
i kinda suck at it so do better than me
DID YOU KNOW?????? THERES A GAME AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD FOR A DOLLAR ON XBOX LIVE THAT HAS SOUND EFFECTS BASED ON ZOOKEEPER??? thats fucking RIGHT
its called CROSSTOWN and is based on a commodore 64 game called CROSSROADS
ITS A DOLLAR
iTS ONE OF MY FAVORITE GAMES and four people can play at once! there are modes so that no matter how bad you suck you can keep popping back into the game and shooting shit
I COULD MAKE AN ENTIRE POST FOR CROSSTOWN BUT I DONT WANT TO
ooo its also loud and colorful and you can break bricks but instead of animals trying to get free all your friends are trying to kill you and theres also animals that dont care if theyre free or not they just want to kill you
ZOOKEEPER WILL COST YOU A QUARTER FOR ONE PLAY CROSSTOWN COSTS YOU A DOLLAR FOR ENDLESS PLAY FOREVER!
`hey hey hey hey there arent enough posts because IM SELLING ALL MY SHIT AND MOVING i will be moved in november 23rd and hope to fucking POST POST POST as soon as im settled
SO MANY THINGS TO WRITE its actually very exciting
for now enjoy this very long tweet chain i accidentally started about MAILBOX FUCKING its
its really bad im sorry
AND NOW IM GONNA MAKE A FUCKING ZINE ABOUT IT
so imade a twine and ITS RIGHT HERE ON NEOCITIES
it was originally supposed to only be one poart but i expanded it WAYYYY TOO FAR into four parts with a secret ending!
im actually proud of how i worked with the pacing, i think using colors to set pace and mood are important and WELL ITS A WEBPAGE SO THATS WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH TEXT
um i hope you enjoy it
HINT: IF YOU THINK ITS LOOPING THAT MEANS YOU’RE STUCK
OH ARE YOU HERE FOR THE PASSIVE AND ACTIVE CULTURAL GUIDANCE???
THIS IS MY SPACE AND IM FEELING PRETTY ACTIVE RIGHT NOW
SLICE OF LIFE: THE POOPDOGGYBALLS POST