nothing is right at this moment, the alley is loud my hands always shake i have to get fully dressed to smoke a fucking cigarette and half the time when i manage that some asshole in teh rich apartments across the alley loudly closes their window as if to say YOUR SMOKE YES YOU YOUR PARTICULAR SMELL OF SMOKE IS WORSE THAN THE SHIT PISS AND OTHER SMOKE THAT I ENDURE IN LIVING IN THESE AMAZING APARTMENTS THAT ARE NICE AND HAVE BALCONIES AND WINDOWS THAT OPEN THAT YOU CAN ACTUALLY PUT A PLANT ON THE WINDOWSILL
im fucking mad at everything!
for real though theres a guy in teh back alley who just wants to LAY DWON AT NIGHT AND SLEEP but people come out and fucking literally drag him awake because he ???? what???? SNORES? he is no louder than the fucking CHINGCAHNKTILYNSCREEEEEEEEEEEEECHHATEYOUREARSFOREVER of the fucking metal judge dredd barricade for your FUCKING GARAGE IN YOUR APARTMENT COMPLEX
we dont even have a parking lot
ive always lived through class warfare, and even though im a first generation irish american (my mother literally moved here when she was 18-19) i benefit SO SO SO SO MUCH from my whiteness
so when this shit goes down i throw myself on the front lines adn get pissy
WHY DONT YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE ill yell
DONT CALL THE POLICE JUST LET HIM FUCKING SLEEP
I LIVE HERE AND YOU YELLING AT AN OLD MAN IS MORE ANNOYING THAN AN OLD MAN
like even if he was constantly farting and made of weird glass that clanked when he moved he WOULDNT BE ANY MORE ANNOYING THAN the ten thousand garbage bins full of ikea leftovers that you make the garbage people pick up THREE TIMES A WEEK when my apartment complex, in a historical 100 year old building with solid oak doors and a old timey-phone in the hallway GIVES US EVICTION NOTICES IF WE DONT SEPERATE OUR COMPOST PROPERLY THEY ARE WEIGHING THE TRASH DONT YOU GET IT POOR PEOPLE
*rich people across the way throw out 40 playstation 2s and 1800 rolls of toilet paper and 50488 rubber baby nipples and one ton of cat litter and ikea furniture SO MUCH IKEA FURNITURE YOU COULD BUILD A FUCKING POWERRANGER MEGAZORD WITH IT and then break into the expensive apartments and see that they have air conditioning in the halls and mail keys that work and no hissing pipes and windows that seal and a sink thats not cloggged
SO IM WHINING
i hold this shit in all the time BUT IM WHINING TODAY because last night was INSUFFERABLE
the neighbor who has been stressing me out, every time he introduces himself to me he says “EYYYYYY DAPHNY *shoulder grab or big hug out of nowhere* THAT TIME I JUMPED ON YOUR BACK TO SHWO THAT I COULD KILL YOU IN THE ALLEY yeah that doesnt mean anything” and then he’ll say I DRINK. while spilling his beer fucking everywhere
like ill walk down the stairs to smoke my HORRIBLE CIGARETTE IM RUINING THE WORLD WITH IT CLOSE THE WINDOWS YOUR WINDOWS WORK TAHTS VERY NICE oh shit i didnt put on a skirt well tights are leggings who gives a shit theres people TRYING TO SLEEP so be fucking polite and quiet and just look at your phone
YES YOU CAN ALWAYS HAVE ONE OF MY CIGARETTES i cant say no
YES IF I HAVE MONEY I WILL ALWAYS GIVE IT AWAY i cant say no
i get stopped at least 2 times just to get bread from the store, and out of those two times, half is meeting someone new and making an entirely new connection with and they’re really nice there was a lady with a labradoodle that was like FUCKIN BIG i think he was part schnauzer honestly and she told me about living in japan and i cant remmebr much because i was really into petting her dog
im sitting here trying to think of
oh hold on im gonna take some pictures and SMOKE THE HORRIBLe
i didnt go outside im on the toilet again, its safe in here its small and theres a hum and goddamnit im already done peeing just one second
okay im back in my nest shit where did i put MY PHONE okay im having horrible dragon boyfriend message it over and over on line and i bet hes going to spam me with shrek icons when all i wanna do ~is see him turn into~ A DRAGON BOYFRIEND goddamnit get that song out of my fucking head
it wont but i dont eed to talk about that show because it speaks so highly for itself
i always say IF IM NOT YELLING ABOUT IT its not worth experiencing and well HHOOO BOY THIS MONTH YEAR DECADE how old am i? slice my arm and count the rings DO THEY STILL MATCH MY BRACELETs perfect i am in harmony and now i can move onto my NEXT NEUROSES
the guy who assualted me!!! i dont like him!! PEOPLE HAVE CALLED THE COPS ON HIM MULTIPLE TIMES
last night some dude had a girl over oh heres the hard part how do i get these shitbags off my phone IM OLD SO OLD oh i dont have data of course not i spend money on immediate not bills im a caveman i live simple i GOT THE PICTURES OFF MY PHONE OKAY
VERY CLOSE they were VERY CLOSE and i remember when i first visited seattle in the middle of a california drought this same balcony had a girl in a bikini on it YEAH it was during pax adn she poured a bucket of ice water over her head and filmed it because BALCONY???? DROUGHT/?????? THATS SO VIRAL ITS A VIRUS YOU’RE INFECTED WITH BEING WASTEFUL TO OH MY GOD I AM SUCH A FUCKING dirt crawling grub
i want to mole into a burrow this instant BUT I WONT I WILL FIGHT THESE INVISIBLE CHILLY CHAINS WITH uh tap water and rice or maybe beans i guess thats cool
i DONT want your money money is worthless sily funny food we play with to make ourselves feel better and im not into it id just rather SHOOT THE MANS IN THE HEADS WITH THE VIDEOGAMES
for real i love destiny
I ADMIT IT and im ashamed and no one will play with me but whenever i play online im like LOOK AT MY ACTUAL GOOD HAIR LETS MAKE THE NUMBERS GO UP IN THE BEST MENU SINCE PERSONA 4/ A HATE STORY/ WE KNOW THE DEVIL
ohhhhhhhhhh i use the nintendo controller like a computer the tiny eight year old monster barks at me while i “click” on shit I FUCKING HATE CLICK DOWN BUTTONS I SWEAR TO GOD i cant tell if im running half the time i cant tell if i have to hold it down THAT SEEMS INTENTIONAL TO WEAR ON THE PAD YOU WANT TO GET THE MOST OUT OF A CONTROLLER not the least out of a controller
no i like the ps4 controller a lot but dont fucking tell me theres ten billion tiny nintendo controllers in the touch screen because i WILL .. FUCK . IT. UP.
i like it when the numbers are yellow it means i hit the right hidden object go me for having eyes to see the thing which to point and shoot at it makes me happy this is not something to talk about completely uncontroversial whatsoever
BUT MY HAIR ITS LIKE A WOOOOOOOOOSH
THEY GOT THAT SAINTS ROW FLAIR GOING ON SO GIMME THAT BIG ASS MOHAWK
THE NOISES ARE SO GRINDY its incredibly hard to concentrate you have no idea
every time i try to record at the peak of the NOISE IT QUIETS DOWN OF COURSE so i just get annoying static sound llike this https://vine.co/v/e2lmV2AKmhE
just loop that on top of itself for infinity FOREVER and also make sure its louder
so hdb bought some 45 dollar headphones WHICH FREAKED ME OUT THATS SO EXPENSIVE HOW CAN WE HAVE 45 DOLLARS we are safe you have a family thats right
I GOT ALL INTO JUST FUCKING WITH THE NPCS i woud talk so much shit i am MORE AGGRESSIVE and angry i WONDER WHY
and when i beat it i said
KING? I TAKE THAT
and thats probably kinda racist but my brother thought it was funny and i got this game for him for free, hes never got a game before launch so he thought he had to sneak around because he wasnt ALLOWED TO BE THERE
he always thought he was in trouble
and TOOK IT I DID I TOOK THE CROOK FROM THE STOKIN KING AND KING KONG DIED AND THE STORY DOESNT MATTER AT ALL i just wanna find the hidden objects and press buttons so when i press the buttons im hovering over the hidden objects so yellow colors come out this is my motivation, the color yellow PROBABLY BECAUSE I ALWAYS HAVE TO PEE
i put the headphones on because the guy across the way keeps bringing girls over and im sick of hearing fake orgasms so id rather hear FAKE PLANETARY VIOLENCE be solved
thats it, destiny is noise canceling headphones. 9/10 bonus plus .01 for the shitty paul mcccartney song in the tower
oh! so the reason i was talking about neopets was becuase destiny has realy long annoying inbetweens and i play neopets during them LOOK AT MY GLORIOUS PET ITS MUCH MORE WELL EQUIPPED THAN MY DESTINY WARRIOR
IF ONLY I WAS NEOPOINT RICH IN DESTINY I THINK i mean they’re basicaly the same i have the lab ray that FWOOSH GIVES ME A RANDOM BOOST
im actually getting bored of this now but my neopet REFUSED TO PLAY WITH A SEVEN YEAR OLD PLASTIC SWORD HOW COUULD HE!!! it was tradition!!
ITS A WASTE OF TIME
BUT I KEEP DOING IT
THATS A HARD CROWN TO WEAR BECAUSE HOLY SHIT I LOVE KINETIC ART im not going to look up the definition because the way i define it could be totally wrong and i dont want to fuck up my perfect view of what i think kinetic art is
I mean feel free to correct me if you WANT you’ll just be MUCKING UP THE PERFECT EBB AND FLOW OF MY VISION
anyway kinetic art is basically art that changes depending on how you look at it
so like YOU CANT REPRODUCE EXPERIENCING THE ART WITH JUST A PICTURE even a picture of how it changes from differnet angles because you get a lot out of kinetic art by how YOU move around it
i dont think it necessarily counts as KINETIC ART per se but i think the AMBASSADORS by hans holbein could be a weird proto-example of kinetic art because of how the skull appears at different viewers time in examining the painting, like its not changing but the art consumers AWARENESS OF IT suddenly changes everything about the painting, like a 16th century ‘when you see it you’ll shit bricks’ kind of motherfucker
i guess game screenshots, as we know them can be considered some kind of kinetic art because instead of the viewer moving around a sculpture or painting, another viewer FREEZES A POINT OF TIME IN A GAME,and in some videogame glitch videos get a moment that is extremely hard, or even impossible to duplicate, like in my ghost train to the afterland red dead redemption video
and that totally breaks the rules because thats a moving documentation of something unintentional in art and its A WHOLE DIFFERENT SUBJECT so lets just get back to kinetic art that DOESNT MOVE you move around it
oh man now im thinking of board games as kinetic art but FUCK IT LEMME SHOW YOU THE AGAM
i turned final fantasy six back on to try and maybe play it some more in the middle of the night, then realized THAT HOLY SHIT IT IS NOTA GOOD TIME TO BE BARRAGED WITH RANDOM BATTLES AND CLASSIC HEROS TALE QUEST BONANZA CHARACTERS AND MAGIC AND ESPERS AND PHOENIXES AND ULTROS AND SHITTY OPERA
i was like no, fuck that. FUCK THAT IM GONNA LOOK AT RAINBOW ART THAT CHANGES WHEN YOU WALK AROUND IT
and then i decided to share it wtih you
omg HE MADE AN ATARI GAME SO YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN YAACOV AGAM ART PIECE SO AMAZING SO AMAZING LOOK AT THIS YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN KINETIC ATARI ART
today at the seattle library i went down the GREAT BIG NONFICTION SPIRAL and found issues of COMPUTER AND AUTOMATION and the august 1967 issue had this FREAKING AWESOME COMPUTER ART CONTEST and so much of it is AMAZZZZZING lemme show you the FINALISTS and then the winner! you can click for a closer look if you SO DESIRE
BOXES: the corner of each rectangle was generated by random numbers. The x dimension of the box was determined as 1.09 times the coordinate. this resulted in a random spacing of the rectangles with a random pattern to their size. The design was made on an IBM I620 with a 1627 plotter, and was programmed in FORTRAN
GIRL — AND GIRL SHOOK UP: a package of subroutines for manipulating arbitrary line drawings was used in preparing these drawings. They were plotted by a CalComp 565 plotter, offline from an IBM 7094/II. “Girl” was programmed as 700 points by Gordon Deecker. In “Girl Shook Up”, each of the 700 points making up the picture was randomly displaced in the vertical direction. The displacement is normally distrubuted with mean of 0 inches, standard deviation of .3 inch, maximum displacement of .3 inch up or down
PICTURE OF AN OLD WOMAN: A picture of an old woman was placed in the memory of an IBM 7094. Mathematical strategies were then applied to the original data and in progressive steps, the image of the old woman was stretched in the Y direction and compressed in the X direction
SEEING STARS: The most important element in this drawing is direction. Positioning is only predetermined with maximum and minimum sizes. Stars grow from the three-pointed star in the lower righthand corner to the nine-pointed star in the center of the picture.
MAN AND HIS WORLD: Shown here are frames from a 16mm film entitled “Man and His World” made in connection with Expo 67. The film was produced by programming in a special macro-extended version of the BELFIX language (which in turn is written in macro FAP)
ILL MACRO FAP SOMETHING ALRIGHT
The output in each instance is a 252-by-184 array of Charactron characters produced by the Stromberg-Carlson 4020. The resulting black-and-white film was subsequently printed through sequences and combinations of colored filters and a soundtrack added by traditional methods
okay i have another picture of this one because i like it
I REALLY WANNA FUCKING SEE THIS MOVIE I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THE SOUNDTRACK IS LIKE AND ALSO WHATS A CHARACTRON IT SOUNDS LIKE A ROBOT SERVANT THAT I NEED LIKE, RIGHT NOW
FACES IN RANDOM LIGHT AND SHADOW: A line drawing was transformed mathematically into a shaded image. Then a spiral, rectangle, triangle, and star were used as character symbols through each line segment. A random number generator determined the intensity; size of each symbol is a function of its distance from a reference point outside the picture
I STARED AT THIS ONE FOR A REALLY LONG TIME I RECOMMEND LOOKING AT THE BIG IMAGE
LOOK I KNOW MOST PEOPLE WHO READ THIS ARE LIKE SUPER DUPER PROGRAMMERS BUT ITS REALLY COOL HAVING STUFF THAT MOST PEOPLE THINK IS BASIC SHIT NOW BROKEN DOWN IN A WAY THAT I ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND ALRIGHT SO FUCKING BEAR WITH ME JEEZ O PETE
CYLINDERS: Picture of an image being displayed on a cathode ray tube. In the Ambilog 200 computer memory is a description in three-dimensional coordinates of the image. The image is similar to two intersecting cylinders. The image is drawn line-by-lines at an overall frame rate of 40 frames per second
I ALSO REALLY LIKE HOW CLINICALLY NAMED HALF OF THEM ARE and then the other half are totally art projects, not something thats all WHOA LOOK WHAT MY COMPUTER CAN DO HIRE ADAGE INC AT FOURTY FRAMES PER SECOND
but sometimes the clinical actually sounds like something really artistic too!
FRIENDLY FLOWERS OF SPACE AND TIME were programmed in extended ALGOL, read into a Burroughs B5500, and plotted on a CalComp 565 plotter. The snowflake crystal as it appears in nature is hexagonal, delicate, and has twelve degrees of symmetry. By calculating the coordinates of the points for one-half of one branch of the snowflake and making the proper reflections and rotations, intricate snowflake designs were approximated, and randomly placed.
LOOK I KNOW I ALREADY MADE A KID PIX REFERENCE BUT HOLY SHIT THERES DEFINITELY A SNOWFLAKE PAINTBRUSH AND I GUESS I KINDA GET HOW THEY DID IT NOW THIS IS FUCKING *EDUTAINMENT* FOLKS
RANDOM WAR, 1967: A computer program which generates random numbers is called a pseudo-random number generator (HEY I KNEW THAT!). Such a program determined the distribution and the position of soldiers on the battlefield. The program places each soldier into perspective. Names were assigned to each soldier. A random number generator also decided who is to die and who is to be wounded. A picture 30′ X 100; (a portion shown here) in color of the battle was produced by the comptuer and gave the following information: (1) Total number of dead on each side (2) Total number of wounded on each side (3) Number of dead and wounded in each of 40 sectors of the battlefield and (4) Identification of the dead and wounded in alphabetical order.
POWER OSCILLATION PERSPECTIVE: A perspective view of the power oscillation at a particular location in a nuclear reactor during a xenon transient. Drawn on a CalComp plotter by a FORTRAN program on the Philco 2000 computer
FLIES TRANSFORMED: The distribution was based upon a combination of random numbers placed inside a region such as a triangle and then a transformation was made to another region such as a half circle. This was a problem in conformal mapping.
THE ARTICHOKE: I GET IT BECAUSE IM CHOKING ON THE MAGNIFICENCE OF THIS ART RIGHT I MEAN
A hexagon is rotated clockwise and counter-clockwise while being reduced in size.
AND THE WINNER IS
SINE CURVE MAN, 1967: a picture of a man was placed in the memory of an IBM 7094. Mathematical strategies were then applied to the original data. The X value remained constant, and a sine curve function was placed upon the Y value. GIven the X and Y coordinates for each point, the figure was plotted from X1 = X, Y1 = Y + C * SIN (X) where C is increased for each successive image.
WOOOHOOO heres a bonus picture of a small computer
SHIT I JUST READ THIS IS FROM THE FIFTH ANNUAL COMPUTER ART CONTEST IM GONNA HAVE TO GO BACK AND FIND THE BEST OF THE FOUR YEARS PREVIOUS AND HOW EVER MANY YEARS THEY DID AFTER THIS SHIT LIBRARIES ARE EXCITING YOU SHOULD VISIT YOUR LOCAL LIBRARY AND GO THROUGH ALL THE REFERENCE MATERIAL EVER YOU COULD MAKE LIKE FIFTY WEBSITES
posts like this are brought to you by MY PATRONS, so if youd like to see more frequent posts by me, please consider donating so i can POST THINGS FULL TIME itd be awesome to FIND THINGS FOR YOU FULL TIME and sometimes even WRITE FOR YOU FULL TIME
IN JUNE 1984 ATARI ACTUALLY KILLED VIDEOGAMES.
videogames were SUPPOSED TO BE RUINED by there was a delay because atari wanted to wait until i was born so the death of videogames could be blamed on me. i was born in 1984 yes okay its just a coincidence THE REAL CULPRIT IS THE ARCADE GAME
we’ll get into why it killed videogames later let me first tell you about why this fucking game is FUCKING AWWWWESSSSOME
its been argued as the first 3d game a lot but i think thats bullshit the first 3d game was obviously tag i mean have you ever tried to play tag with paper it doesnt fucking work the paper just flies away don’t even try it i swear it doesnt work, trust me STOP LEAVING TO TRY TO TAG PAPER IT WONT WORK DAMNIT
sorry i was thinking about tea and paper has something to do with tea im sure
BACK TO I ROBOT
so yes, A FUCKING FULL 3D GAME IN 1983 so next time one of your star fox nerd friend tries to open their mouth about how awesome and ahead of its time their sacred cow snes game is you gently hold your finger against their lips, shake your head and whisper, “hush baby. you haven’t heard of i, robot”
the premise is pretty simple, you gotta jump around a blue area in space touching all the red floor to turn it blue because you dont like red in your house this is a BLUE HOUSE GET YOUR RED ASS OUT OF HERE
colors are important OH SHIT AND DOES THIS GAME HAVE COOOOLORS they’re really bright and garish and flashy and are really reminiscent of blaster honestly i dont know what happened to color in western games like is it because the pixels are so small now so everything mashes together and turns brown? like thats what happens to my shit but i dont make an entire games color palette based on it YOU CANT JUMP WHEN THE EYE IS OPEN BECAUSE IT WILL SEE YOU AND TELL ITS PALS AND THEN ALL THE ROBOTS WILL MAKE FUN OF THE WAY YOUR HIPS WIGGLE WHEN YOU JUMP
okay im sorry lets just have the official description speak for itself
“You are an unhappy interface robot (#1984) in rebellion against “Big Brother” and his EVIL EYES. The evil eye dictates the law. The evil eye will kill you if it sees you breaking the law. Your mission is to destroy the evil eye.”
OH RIGHT THAT MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSE JUMPING IS ILLEGAL SO YOU HAVE TO DESTROY THINGS THAT MADE JUMPING ILLEGAL
have i mentioned the evil eye is fucking SCARY AS HELL like look at that shit who WOULDNT just be paralyzed in TERROR when they saw that fucker
it also makes me hit the button in a panic so the eye is a great enemy no matter what kind of fear it instills
theres also birds to avoid but i mean, its a fucking videogame with jumping of course theres annoying birds thats just videogame rule number one basically, i think the quote was “HATH THE VIDEOGAME JUMPS? THEN BIRDS THERE SHALL BE” language was weird in the 80s, right?
oh and in between each level you get to take your gummy ship, i mean robot and fly through shooting bad dudes and changing boulders colors til they disappear and dodging debris to the next level! THIS IS SUPER FUTURISTIC WHEN WE WERE NORMALLY USED TO HANG OUT ON ONE 2D SCREEN THEN THAT 2D SCREEN CHANGES TO A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT BUT DEFINITELY THE SAME KIND OF IDEA 2D SCREEN
you fucking feel yourself TRAVELING BETWEEN LEVELS, like theres a little landing pad at the beginning of the next one that says LAND HERE
it gives them a sense of space! this just isnt a maze or set of platforms within a tv screen, this is the type of game 8 year old me would press their face against to try to see outside the boundaries of whats happening on the monitor because THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING ELSE OUT THERE
its pretty amazing
god and there are 126 LEVELS!!! thats a fucking shit ton for 1984!!!!!
also theres only one button, you may thinK BUT I HAVE TO DESTROY THE EYE HOW DO I DO THAT BY ONLY JUMPING IM NOT MARIO IM A ROBOT well you do it by LOOKING AT IT but before you can do that you have to destroy the SHIELD which is just the number of red squares you havent walked on yet!
THE POSTER IS BEAUTIFUL TOO I CANT FIND A HIGHER RESOLUTION OF IT BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU THOSE ARE INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO PLAY AND IF I ACTUALLY HAD THE POSTER (HINT HINT) I COULD EDIT THIS POST AND RESCAN IT AND GIVE DETAILED IMAGES OF THOSE LITTLE INSTRUCTIONS ON THE BOTTOM COULDNT I, OH IF ONLY THERE WAS A WAY TO GIVE ME MONEY SO I COULD BUY THAT POSTER AND IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF THIS POST THAT WOULD SURE BE COOL oh thats just my patreon you should check it out, i like to make things ENOUGH ABOUT ME LETS GET TO THE BEST PART OF I ROBOT
so when you insert your quarter into this beautiful cabinet
you are then presented with a CHOICE. you can either play I ROBOT or if you select the left option you may enjoy DOODLE CITY: THE UNGAME
no im not fucking kidding there were non games wayyyyy before tale of tales came along
doodle city basically presents you with objects from the game which you can manipulate and turn around and a bunch of neat debug switches so you can make SUPER FUCKING COOL LOOKING EFFECTS
ALSO the ungame isn’t some kind of free play mode either. you are subtracted ONE LIFE for each minute you spend in DOODLE CITY (time flies when you’re having fun) and after you lose all three lives you lose your credit. you can spend a minute or two in doodle city and then get down to buisiness fighting big brother at the expense of some of your lives. you can leave doodle city any time, but you’re gonna need more quarters to come back
MY DESCRIPTION CAN NOT DO IT JUSTICE LOOK AT FUCKING DOODLE CITY
im sorry i could not stay quiet during doodle city its just too fucking good
so yeah you should fucking go play i robot AND IF YOU MAKE ANYTHING REALLY NEAT IN DOODLE CITY LEAVE A COMMENT WITH A SCREENCAP OR A VIDEO OF YOUR CITY OF DOODLES! LETS BUILD A DOODLE EMPIRE TOGETHER! BIG BROTHER CANT STOP THIS LITTLE INTERFACE ROBOT FROM HAVING FUN WITH ARTISTIC INTEGRITY!
fuck! moving has thrown me all out of whack BUT I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN MY HISTORY LESSONS TO YOU, FAITHFUL READERS about amazing arcade games that we should PRESERVE and LEARN FROM
yes! blarghcade, the blargh sounds for MY WORDS SPILLING OUT LIKE PUKE
delicious ~educational~ puke
todays game is VERY SPECIAL TO ME and i recommend you read this post with the volume ALL THE WAY UP
because its one of the most COLORFUL INTENSE SOUNDING STRESSFUL GAMES EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR and its by taito in 1982! YES
zoo keeper is an obnoxious sounding game with obnoxious colors about OBNOXIOUS FUCKING ANIMALS WHO BREAK YOUR WALLS WAY FASTER THAN YOU CAN BUILD THEM
you run a zoo. and your zoo is pretty low budget because its just you running it! and you’re A BRILLIANT ZOOKEEPER the gimmick to YOUR ZOO is that ALL THE FUCKING ANIMALS ARE IN THE SAME CAGE
because people love it when animals are PISSED OFF AND HAVE ENERGY so this is a very popular zoo you’ve created!
but also its fucking low budget so your job is to RUN AROUND SCREAMING AND THROWING ROCKS IN A PILE that your asshole agitated animals are CONSTANTLY BREAKING DOWN and trying to escape
but whatever instead of spending money on, say, cement you thought ‘NO I CAN LOWER THE GRAVITATIONAL FIELD AROUND MY ZOO so when they start running amok ill just HOP RIGHT OVER THEIR HEADS” this also boosted the popularity of your zoo
every once in a while someone watching your zoo will throw you a four leaf clover or mug of root beer for your energetic antics but like who fucking cares THERES ANIMALS ON THE LOOSE
sometimes you have a net that SHOVES THE ROWDY ANIMALS BACK INSIDE but it doesnt last for long because cheap net vs lion/ostrich/snake vs HALF A DOZEN OF THEM is bound to wear out pretty fast!
at the end of your hard work day you get to jump from floating car to floating car upwards to your girlfriend who lives under a coconut tree and stop off at flying car snack shop for a sundae because you dont ACTUALLY want to go home to her
shes always pissed at you for having the worst idea for a business and throws coconuts at you because she thinks YOU belong in a zoo
and by the time you get home anyway its ALREADY time to get back to work at the zoo!
WELL THATS MY CANON ANYWAY, BUT HAVE SOME PLAY FOOTAGE AND MAKE YOUR OWN CONCLUSION!
OH GOD AND NOW LETS LOOK AT THE CABINET AND OVERLAY because arcade machine porn is the bestttt
i kinda suck at it so do better than me
DID YOU KNOW?????? THERES A GAME AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD FOR A DOLLAR ON XBOX LIVE THAT HAS SOUND EFFECTS BASED ON ZOOKEEPER??? thats fucking RIGHT
its called CROSSTOWN and is based on a commodore 64 game called CROSSROADS
ITS A DOLLAR
iTS ONE OF MY FAVORITE GAMES and four people can play at once! there are modes so that no matter how bad you suck you can keep popping back into the game and shooting shit
I COULD MAKE AN ENTIRE POST FOR CROSSTOWN BUT I DONT WANT TO
ooo its also loud and colorful and you can break bricks but instead of animals trying to get free all your friends are trying to kill you and theres also animals that dont care if theyre free or not they just want to kill you
ZOOKEEPER WILL COST YOU A QUARTER FOR ONE PLAY CROSSTOWN COSTS YOU A DOLLAR FOR ENDLESS PLAY FOREVER!
`hey hey hey hey there arent enough posts because IM SELLING ALL MY SHIT AND MOVING i will be moved in november 23rd and hope to fucking POST POST POST as soon as im settled
SO MANY THINGS TO WRITE its actually very exciting
for now enjoy this very long tweet chain i accidentally started about MAILBOX FUCKING its
its really bad im sorry
AND NOW IM GONNA MAKE A FUCKING ZINE ABOUT IT
so imade a twine and ITS RIGHT HERE ON NEOCITIES
it was originally supposed to only be one poart but i expanded it WAYYYY TOO FAR into four parts with a secret ending!
im actually proud of how i worked with the pacing, i think using colors to set pace and mood are important and WELL ITS A WEBPAGE SO THATS WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH TEXT
um i hope you enjoy it
HINT: IF YOU THINK ITS LOOPING THAT MEANS YOU’RE STUCK
OH ARE YOU HERE FOR THE PASSIVE AND ACTIVE CULTURAL GUIDANCE???
THIS IS MY SPACE AND IM FEELING PRETTY ACTIVE RIGHT NOW
SLICE OF LIFE: THE POOPDOGGYBALLS POST
oh god since im reliving the nervousness i experienced before speaking on a panel im gonna talk about GETTING SANDWICHES for a minute
yes, fucking sandwiches
so theres a pretty good sandwich place called WHICH WICH across the street from indiecade, and i love it because you cna make the most digusting all of the ingredient slimy vegan sandwich possible, you just check a bunch of boxes and thats what they put on the sandwiches
but whenever i go with people they’re like AHHH CHOICE AHHH I FUCKED UP AHHHHH CAN I HAVE A NEW BAG AHHH and im just standing there tapping my foot like holy shit im hungry dont you know what you like to eat LOOK PICK A BASE OF MEAT AND HTEN PICK WHAT YOU WANT ON IT ITS A SANDWICH SAKDLJFGDFLKJ
so yeah thats what happened when i went with eva, tyriq, and michael
and i just wanted to RIP THE BAGS FROM THEIR HAND AND SPIT AND WHEREVER MY SALIVA FELL THATS WAHT THEY WERE FUCKING EATING
BUT I AM POLITE
and i was being treated so i was like wheee do you neeed help look customer service
IT WAS COOL HANGING OUT WITH THEM THOUGH, when tyriqs’s sandwich came they called him TYRIA and he was like no thats a lowercase q but now i cant stop calling him tyria
and now ill post some trash from saturday night to help calm my nerves
OKAY I FEEL LESS NERVOUS NOW
so lets talk about my talk!
i was on a panel with IAN BOGOST, DIANA SANTIAGO, RICHARD LEMARCHAND, AND MATTIE BRICE (there was another person on the panel via satellite but she went right after me while i was having a panic attack outside so i dont remember her name I THINK IT WAS STEPHANIE LOOK IM SO SORRY I HAD TO RUN OUT OF CITY HALL DURING YOUR TALK I REALLY AM)
and i was going first! i was super prepared too, i freaking wrote my talk the day that they said DAPHNY YOU’RE DOING AN 8 MINUTE TALK and it had all the things i wanted to touch on and i had places where i planned to expand and i was gonna have NO FUCKING PROBLEM AT ALL FILLING IN THAT EIGHT MINUTES
but oops, i forgot my laptop cable at my sisters house on wednesday night, oops i didnt notice til saturday, OOPS I DONT HAVE A MAC SO NO FUCKINGBODY HAD A CHARGER I COULD BORROW
well maybe they’ll have one when i get to the talk
nope, no of course they don’t. WELL DAPHNY WRITE DOWN YOUR KEYPOINTS RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU’RE GOING FIRST oh this is fucking great
i made a slide though
its very professional
see that modern SLASH linking daphny and delight? yes that was completely BY DESIGN
no, it wasnt me fucking around trying to figure out how this weird alien mac shit version of ms paint worked because my computer was dead and i had to make a slide at the very last minute on someone elses machine IT WAS ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CALCULATED YES THATS IT
so i put my laptop UP on the podium, and just stick a bunch of sticky notes to it, so it can LOOK LIKE IM ACTUALLY PREPARED
whoa my laptop looks cool from far away
oh yeah then im like HOLY SHIT THIS IS CITY HALL and i start flipping switches on the microphones and throwing paper in the PAPER ONLY BIN and being like heh, thats my outbox and touching touchscreens CUZ THIS SHIT IS FAAANCY
WHY CANT I LOAD MY AGENDA ARGH
diana demands that we need to take a boss lady selfie and my eyes dart around and im like OH FUCK THE AMERICAN FLAG LETS DO THIS
diana plays some bjork into the mic to settle her nerves WHAT A GOOD IDEA
ooh its time for everyone to sit! im getting excited
i start doing shitty tuvan throat singing into the mic to get everyone excited but someone says im gonna scare everyone away
NO THEY’RE SITTING DOWN I TOOK A CLASS TO SOUND LIKE THAT ONCE
and i go first.
FIRST ILL PUT WHAT I HAD *PLANNED* AND *WRITTEN* then i will tell you what ACTUALLY HAPPENED at this indiecade keynote?
was it a keynote? i just saw that ian bogost said it was a keynote IF IT WAS IM REALLY FUCKING GLAD NO ONE TOLD ME
WHY SOCIAL CAPITAL/CLASS IS IMPORTANT AND HOW IT TRANSLATES INTO PLAY
everyone has a struggle, everyone has a problem NO ONES PROBLEMS ARE IDENTICAL
theres an fascination in games with cataloguing and ranking and filing that many people obsess over, ive been known to call this ROBOT BRAIN and i feel like its the OPPOSITE OF HOW I THINK
but i used to think it was WRONG
which makes ME WRONG
the way people think is how they cope with their own struggles, and we dont all struggle OR THINK the same
i think its important to remember that we NEED difference in our lives, otherwise we’d just be a stagnant pile of grunting barbarians slapping our genitals together WHICH IS ACTUALLY KIND OF COOL BUT IM NOT HERE TO TALK ABOUT GENITALS OR SLAPPING EVEN THOUGH IM A HUGE FAN OF BOTH
so lets talk about my struggle! im the child of immigrants, i was BORN in the bay area (i dont say im a bay area native. OAKLAND NATIVES are completely wiped out, we only remember the meewoks because george lucas named the EWOKS IN STAR WARS after the meewoks of oakland). my dad is a mentally ill often homeless man, detached from everyone because his reality is much different from the one that most people experience
my mom was an orphan in ireland, abused by nuns and she FLED FOR HER LIFE to come to AMERICA when she was just 18′
a really fun thing i love to ask white people when hanging out in san francisco or oakland is WHERE ARE YOU FROM, and they say ‘here’ and i go no where were you born
and they’ll give me a story! and its interesting, but also the obvious local they were talking to starts giving me knowing glances and grinning because NOW WE’RE SPEAKING IN CODE AND I MIGHT BE MAKING FUN OF THIS RICHIE MCRICH but im still friendly and open and receptive to what they say!
BECAUSE look at my skin! its so white! listen to my voice! ITS SO BUBBILY AND CHEERFUL! look at my large bumbling body, it makes people feel safe because im not stereotypically american hot! AND THAT MAKES ME GET AWAY WITH A WHOLE FUCKING LOT
my brother, my half brother, that doesnt fucking matter hes my brother, hes half black, his struggle through class is so much different than mine! BUT HES ALSO A MALE IDENTIFIED STRAIGHT DUDE but oh god HES ALSO A BROWN SKINNED MAN and boy howdy
hes also my hero…. because the things that are important to him intrinsically dont match with mine, and that inspires me! which leads me to my next point
when you accuse a person “ALL YOU TALK ABOUT IS THIS” the reason you notice they’re talking about ONE THING is because that thing doesnt apply to you
what i just said OBVIOUSLY doesnt apply to everyone, we have different priorities. gamergate took 10 dollars from my bank account and overdrafted me! money SHOULD be a priority in my life so i can pay rent, and i mean THATS WHAT IM WORKING ON THATS WHY IM AT INDIECADE but ahem
WE ALL DONT HAVE TIME TO APPEAL TO EVERYONE EVER
i notice my queer friends get all this flack because they’re getting laid with multiple people all the time and lonely rich dudes with money feel entitled to sex because they have money and my queer friends feel entitled to money because they’re creating art and getting laid and are super cool AND THIS CREATES A TORNADO OF HATE AND ‘MY NEEDS ARE BETTER THAN YOUR NEEEDS’ BUT WHAT YOU’RE REALLY SAYING IS ‘MY NEEDS ARE DIFFERENT THAN YOUR NEEDS’
THIS IS NOT A SIN
there are so so so so so so so so many people, we can all find the people who are interested in what we are
this is why the internet is amazing ITS BEEN SHOWING MORE AND MORE PEOPLE THAT THEY’RE NOT ISOLATED
but the physical loneliness can get to you as well, its extremely hard not to have that warmth and compassion and the feeling of belonging
i say that YOU DONT AHVE TO BE BLOOD TO BE FAMILY all the time. because after you fall out of your moms hoohoo and splatter on to the ground a crying traumatized mess
there are other people born all around you, and their brains will experience similar things to you!!! paths get crossed!
THATS LIFE, but with life also comes death
coming to terms with death is the hardest thing we all deal with. our struggles boil down to WE ARE AL L BORN WHY WHY WHY WE ALL DIE WHY WHY WHY
and in life, to keep it going as long as possible you need to REACH OUT AND BE HEARD
theres a quote i heard laurie anderson say at one of her concerts, it wasnt her quote but i dont remember who she was quoting because LAURIE FUCKING ANDERSON “the first time you die is when your heart stops, the second time you die is when they put you in the ground, the third time you die is when the last person speaks your name”
EVERYTHING ENDS, SOMEDAY THIS WILL ALL BE GONE. instead of racing to be the person whos name gets said last we should instead be working together to never forget eachothers name
SO THE REASON CLASS AND PLAY are so closely intertwined, and we’re seeing a LOT MORE OF THIS NOW is because play is important, when we finish working we have time to play, the trick is maintaining the balance of working towards a better future while having time to cool off and relax and well, play
BUT WHAT CAN I DO??????
what you can fucking do is stop taking credit for all the shit you learn from and attribute it to the SOURCE. talk about your inspirations, your heroes, your teachers. FUCK MERITOCRACY
CITE YOUR SOURCES but also stop DEBUNKING other people NOT CITING THEIRS just because you know where it came from, instead think of that as something that the two of you can bond over. as humans, as social creatures, as mammals!
MAKE AN EXAMPLE BY NOT STEALING. MAKE AN EXAMPLE BY SHARING. MAKE AN EXAMPLE BY PAYING IT FUCKING FORWARD
when you have no money you learn to make friends, and thats why i have a SHITLOAD OF CLASS
but thats not what i said at all.
the only thing i remembered to do was my opener, which was
“HEY IAN, GIVE ME A DOLLAR” ian bogost hands me a dollar, i wave the dollar “THATS SOCIAL CAPITAL
“HEY MATTIE, CAN I BUY THAT WATER OFF OF YOU FOR A DOLLAR” mattie hands me the water and i give her the dollar
and i wanna talk about why SOCIAL CAPITAL, AKA CLASS, MATTERS”
and then i look at my notes and my slide and my panelists and kiiiiiiiiiiiiiinda FUCKING. PANIC.
so i ramble on about the games community and visiitng my sister and how much i love my brother, and i start crying
i start crying and saying that i shouldnt be here
i try to hide under the podium
i am COMPLETELY panicking
diana says no no keep going you can do it and im trying to find my footing
i just want my fucking notes and i dont even know what thoughts ARE
richard snaps me out of it
what what is it richard, i look at my shaking hands
“what was the POINT of your talk again”
i think point point yes i had a point and yell HOW LONG DO I HAVE LEFT THREE MINUTES
okay okay okay ANECDOTE
so i tell a story:
when i was working with dogs, this is pre dog training stuff this is just working with a bunch of dogs in a daycare scenario
i was a supervisor and at noon every day we’d change out all the garbage bags in the shitbuckets
oh man i REALLY enjoyed throwing the bags of shit OVER TWO FENCES and them landing in the really far away dumpster
like they wouldnt always land in it but theyd be tied shut, so it was easy to just correct my aim that would sometimes be off by a few inches to a foot
BECAUSE I LOVE SPORTS IM REALLY DEXTEROUS I HAVE GREAT AIM
but there was one day, where i just HAMMER TOSSED THAT BAG as hard as i could, and it got caught on the top of the chainlink fence right next to me, ripped, and spilled out the other side where my coworker was standing
maybe a foot away from me
so a huge bag of pretty FRESH dog shit spills all over her
she just, she looks at me through the fence and VOMITS
she VOMITS THROUGH THE FENCE ONTO MY FACE
there i am, vomited on SO I VOMIT BACK
and we are cackling and vomiting and crying and oh god what is happening this is a horrible cycle of disgusting
then our BOSS comes out, to see what all the fucking racket is about
looks at her, looks at me and just says “oh, daphny”
she let us go home early after we cleaned up the mess that wasnt on our bodies
SO THE REASON THATS RELEVANT IS THIS:
YESTERDAY FOR LUNCH i was at in-n-out with BENNETT FODDY (did you know hes a founding member of cut copy)
i guess hes never had in-n-out before because hes australian whatever
i told HIM the vomit poop story, and i was like WELL WHAT IF WE MAKE A VOMITING SPORTS TENNIS LIKE GAME
and we fucking brainstormed ideas, right there, eating burgers while a restaurant probably wasnt hungry anymore
and the REASON that sequence of events happened at FUCKING ALL was because of youuuuuuu *big hand sweeping motions*
ALL OF YOU. ALL OF YOU IN THIS ROOM. THIS COMMUNITY
and i guess thats why i have a shitload of class
THEN I IMMEDIATELY RAN AWAY
surprisingly, a man from the LA times said “that talk was strangely touching, in a way ive never experienced”
someone handed me their card interested in “what i do”
diana said “you made the panel cry daphny, did you notice?” NO OF COURSE I DIDNT I WASNT LOOKING AT ANYTHING
even ian bogost, mr extensive vocabulary and his philosophy and his millions of books he authored
just kinda looks at me
this is after i got the courage to go back into city hall and sit with the panel again, of course
he looks at me, surprised, and just gives a really slow nod of approval
BAM ILL JUST STAMP THAT RIGHT HERE
SO THAT WAS OVER WITH, FINALLY! GOSH!
time to be a human being again!
i met this fucking AWESOME traveling coffee shop guy and gave him a bunch of cookies to feed people with
he gave me coffee and he ALSO gave me his specialty ice coffee that he puts in beer bottles
i remarked WOW GREAT MARKETING BECAUSE PEOPLE OF COURSE ARE GONNA WANT THAT BEER BUT NOOOOO ITS YOUR SPECIAL COFFEE!
he was super nice! he does his coffee shop at indiecade a lot and also is just all over LA selling coffee too!
OH FUCK GREG COSTIKYAN IS DOING A TALK
HE ENCOURAGED ME TO DO MY TALK OH HES STANDING RIGHT THERE
imma run up to him yay liz is with me and wants to meet him too well lets go over there
oops nervous fangirl i just blurt OH YOURE VAPING I NEED THAT RIGHT NOW *nicotine suck from my own vape*
him and liz exchange introductions and then WOO TIME FOR THE TALK
its with raph koster, a dude me and some people i used to work with snubbed really bad
i thought OO BAD MAN at first
but you know what, im older now, lets hear him talk
OOO HES WORKED WITH COSTIK so thats something
they talk about how microtransactions arent inherently evil, like selling someone a plushie if they really like your game means the game meant something special to them
or how electronic board games on tablets that are super cheap (dominant species for example) are like an advertisement for buying the real product, the BIG HUGE EXPENSIVE BOARD GAMES WITH MANY PIECES
as much as i fucking hate the capitalist society i live in, i feel like playing within the rules of it to bring real, tangible things to the people you’re selling your digital art to was a really important point to mak— OH SHIT DAPHNY NEEDS TO POOP
after im done pooping they’re in the middle of a q and a
OF COURSE IHAVE A QUESTION AND AFTER WAITING THROUGH 4893934 PEOPLE WHO JUST WANT TO HEAR THEMSELVES TALK I GET TO ASK IT
me: “well if i had a friend who wants to start curating a game space and selling things for the creators in this space like RIGHT NOW what do i do”
raph: use powerpoint, set up a portfolio
me: “what if they dont know HOW to use powerpoint”
me: WHAT IF THEY DONT KNOW HOW TO —
raph: oh, well LEARN, THEY CAN TEACH THEMSELVES
costikyan, understanding that powerpoint costs money: or openoffice, theres a bunch of free easy to use programs you can use as well
YAY (also jokes on them i know how to use powerpoint i just havent done it since highschool I MEAN MY FRIEND KNOWS HOW TO USE POWERPOINT)
after their talk another one is coming up so i repeat what the moderator said because greg and raph are just getting mobbed on stage IF YOU’RE GONNA GET MOBBED GO OUTSIDE
they all herd outside because i love herding cats
outside we’re in a nice circle, talking a bunch, and raph is totally swarmed right now so i scooch over to costik to ask him about his life and introduce him to a horrible dragon
hes telling me about his kids and then
nikki and decky walk by!
YAY FRIENDS oh theyre going to a talk OKAY SEE YOU LATER OH MY GOD NIKKI IS WEARING A HOUNDSTOOTH SKIRT AND THE HOUNDSTEETH ARE DIFFERENT SIZES ALL OVER AND i just start growling and doing guttural bark noises
hdb is like thats nikki but i dont CARRRRRRRRRRRE THAT HOUNDSTOOTH SKIRT more guttural noises
greg costikyan just looks at me, “wow, uh you REALLY like houndstooth”
im like oh TEEHEE and run back to listen to raph for a minute
of course hes still talking and talking
finally the conversation turns to the blow up that happened with him online and at NYU and GDC with all the miscommunication about WHAT IS A GAME
he tells me how BAD it made him feel, and he didnt ever want to go to an event again, and that he DIDNT go to events, for about a year. which made me feel really bad, cuz like yeah old guard rich dude, but hes obviously sincere and came to indiecade to help other people thrive in a medium he obviously loves, as OLD GUARD as some opinons of his may be
and i was like wow that sucks ass, and i was probably way ruder to you than i should have been but for some reason it felt so PERSONAL even though you werent CRITIQUING ME and i got very PROTECTIVE
BUT ITS IN THE PAST WE’RE COOL NOW
raph wanted lunch, as we’re walking towards a place to eat he stops and it FINALLY clicks: “daphny! i just had a moment of cognizance! CAN I GIVE YOU A HUG”
SURE WE ARE FRIENDS NOW
he hugs me and drops his bag
haha i made raph koster drop his bag
i realize i dont really wanna GO to lunch because i just ate, i split off from the group, and as im crossing the street
THIS WOMAN RUNS AT ME SCREAMING
oh my GOD MY SON HAS BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU ALL DAY HES FOUND IT! he needs TO FIND YOU BEFORE WE LEAVE! and im like FUCK WHERE IS HE MY BOYFRIEND HAS ALL THE PRIZES, MY BOYFRIEND IS THE ONE YOUR SON RIPPED A LEVEL OFF OF! I CANT BELIEVE HE WON
this is the mom of that kid who gave me A HUG yesterday
so i go looking for my backpack, but i cant find it and then AHHHHHHHHH I FOUND YOU AHHHHH oh my its the screaming childa nd his sister I START JUMPING UP AND DOWN AND IM SCREAMING AND HES SCREAMING AND WE’RE SCREAMING and WOOOO HE WON
he holds up a rice krispies treat and yells HI FIVE so i give him one
he then asks “why would you hit a rice krispy treat, what did it ever do to you??” and i said I DONT KNOW YOU TOLD ME TO DO IT
his sister yells “OH MY GOD HE DOES THAT TO ME ALL THE TIME”
im like, alright kiddo, walk with me. as we’re walking across the street i explain the nintendo game situation how they’re not on me right now they’re somewhere else and *IM* trying to find them! ahh im playing my own game!!!
so i tell him that im going to go stnad in the middle of indiecade village, all inconspicuous and for him to RUN UP TO ME SCREAMING so EVERYONE CAN KNOW HE WON FOUND IT 14
i sta rt picking up the confetti i threw the day before, and hear ifoundit i found it I FOUDNITIFOUNDIT so i JUMP UP AND TURN AROUND SCREAMING
OH MY GOD A WINNER, YOU HAVE WON FIND IT SPECIAL INDIECADE EDITION 2014, YOU HAVE WON THE ULTIMATE GRAND PRIZE OF A NINTENDO GAME! YOU AHHHHHH LETS SCREAM MORE
there was a LOT more screaming.
now for sad part, closing ceremony but not until me and kris ligman and squinky sit to the side of the stage and pretend to be a cosplay judging panel
“the cosplay seems very uninspired this year”
“YES BUT LOOK AT THOSE DINOSAURS ON THAT SHIRT THEY’RE NEON”
“ooooooooooooo, five stars”
prizes prizes trophies flowers, people who deserve credit getting it, winner of choice awards AND ITS OVER BOOM SAD PART OVER
AFTER PARTY GETS BULLET POINT HIGHLIGHT
– i go to trader joes and get a goddamn food stamp FEAST including like 40 bananas
– the uber driver started out aweosme by blasting inspirational spanish metal and being realyl into daphny needs to poop then got into weird nikki minaj slut-shaming and biological essentialism bullshit
– WE GET TO THE PARTY WOO SHOES OFF its quiet OKAY THATS IT YOU’RE ALL PLAYING DIXIT so i make horrible dragon, and the south bay tigsource crew and eva all play together. BECAUSE DIXIT IS FUN ITS LIKE APPLES TO APPLES BUT WITH PICTURES SO theres a lot more creativitiy to be had instead of stupid shocking jokes like that other apples to apples card game
plus the meeples are bunnies
– OH MY GOD THERES A LAWN i roll around in the lawn
– OH MY GOD THERES A CIRCLE OF PEOPLE SITTING ON THEGRASS LETS PLAY TELEPHONE so i can scream IM A FURRY GAY FACEFUCKER AT INDIECADE (or something like that, but it really wasnt that far from theoriginal)
also ALSO CAN YOU BELIEVE IT, ME DAPHNY DAVID had to teach half the people how to whisper im like I CAN HEAR YOU THIS IS HOW YOU WHISPER it was weird teaching people how to be quiet
– WOW A VIEW WOW
– WOW DIANAS DRINKS ARE AMAZING
– WOW I WANNA SNIFF EVERYONES ARMPIT AND GET A SMOOCH CUZ I HAVE TO LEAVE SOON SO I DO JUST THAT
– WOW THAT WASNT WATER THAT WAS VODKA
– WOW TIME TO GO HOME
the next morning i get on a megabus and get excited FOR THE FUTURE! MY FUTURE! OUR FUTURE!
we’ve made it! my final post about indiecade 2014 is finished! now i can go back to writing about fucking arcade games FINALLY, thank you for reading! ONCE AGAIN ITS ONLY BECAUSE OF PATRONS SO CONSIDER IT IF YOU HAVE EVEN AN EXTRA DOLLAR A MONTH TO SPARE BECAUSE I LOVE WRITING BUT IT PAYS SHIT
DAY FUCKING THREE: SATURDAY!
my niece leaves pretty silently in the morning to go to her nanny job becuase SHES RESPONSIBLE
like i wanted her to come to my party during nightgames but wahhh work
ANYWAY the rest of us are a little more slow to rise, especially after my OH GOD THE FUTURE MY BODY MY LIFE anxiety attack that i got to SHARE WITH THE ENTIRE ROOM because even though im laying next to someone going to sleep my voice still fucking carries
sorry for party rocking room 208, this is why i dont visit libraries!
but of course as soon as i wake up its WOO GO TIME LETS GO ANOTHER DAY AT INDIECADE YAYAAYAYYA COME ON EVERYONE WHERES YOUR VIM AND VIGOR and i just get a bunch of lazy growls and grumbles and demands to shut up, but NO IM NOT GONNA SHUT UP ITS GO TIME
cycle stays asleep but i convince HDB to come with me and get some grub and hang out in the park for a bit while we figure out what to do
oh god this shirt i got him makes him look so goddamn texan oh no
so we go and get on the bus WAIT THIS ISNT THE BUS I TOOK YESTERDAY THIS ONE IS SO MUCH CLOSER AND ITS ONLY A DOLLAR AND IT FUCKING SAYS INDIECADE SHUTTLE ON IT HOW COME NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT THE ~INDIECADE SHUTTLE~ YESTERDAY I MIGHT HAVE BEEN ON TIME TO THAT DAVID O’REILLY PANEL
so yay! back at indiecade! time for food stamp feasting at trader joes! i bought too much food!
OH LOOK HUNGRY PEOPLE IN THE PARK PERHAPS THEY’LL APPRECIATE ALL THIS EXTRA NON BITTEN-INTO FOOD I HAVE LEFT OVER
ILL JUST LEAVE IT *NEXT TO* THE TRASH CAN SO THEY DONT HAVE TO ROOT THROUGH THE TRASH FOR FOOD HINT HINT INDIECADE ATTENDEES HINT HINT
checking the schedule HOLY FUCK SHAWNS PANEL WITH NO WHITE PEOPLE ON IT ABOUT RACE IN GAMES IS HAPPENING!!! AHHH
so i run into the ivy room and take my seat, then i think about how i HAVENT FINISHED SETTING UP FIND IT SPECIAL INDIECADE EDITION 2014
i grab a bunch of extra houndstooth from my satchel and go up to the panel and congratulate them all for becoming a secret level in find shit while pinning the levels to them
i also hand everyone sitting around me a level now whichever direction i look THERES HOUNDSTOOTH IN MY FIELD OF VISION
woof, i think, woof.
i sit back down and when HDB gets back from the bathroom he whispers “is that your secret level on every member of the panel”
I give him a look of smug satisfaction while thinking about his houndstooth boxers hehe. heh. heh.
SHAWN ALLEN, CATT SMALL, ASHLEY ALICEA, TJ THOMAS, FATMINA ZENINE , LATOYA PETERSON
FOLLOW THEM ALL ON TWITTER READ EVERYTHING THEY’VE EVER WRITTEN, CONSUME ALL THEY’VE CREATED
there was too much to even begin to cover
here ill talk about my favorite part though, that i was fucking throwing PREACH IT hands at
okay i threw up my hands a bunch and tried not to shout YES YES YES YES YES YES and oh god its so hard to be quiet in an audience when im fucking excited how do people do that anyway?
latoya talking about how people ask about why black people are always into consoles (so many people are surprised that basketball players all loved their nintendos and genesis, or think of every nerds favorite biggy smalls lyric), she totally improved on my answer of WHY I NEVER PLAY COMPUTER GAMES BECAUSE I GREW UP WITH CONSOLES
basically (SHE SAID IT WAY MORE ELOQUENTLY IM GOING ON MEMORY THIS IS PARAPHRASING THIS IS MY TAKEAWAY OKAY???)
1. unlike constantly upgrading a pc every year so you can play new games on it, basically all old consoles still fucking work
2. lots of multi-person houses spend a lot of free time together in the FAMILY ROOM, and family rooms with tvs could also have a console hooked into it, making the experience a social one
3. consoles almost always came with 2 controllers (not anymore though ha) and that created a way for TWO PEOPLE TO SIT AND PLAY TOGETHER WITHOUT HAVING TO BUY A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT AND LEARN TO LAN PARTY
so yeah, geniuses. all of them! they all had amazing stuff to say, and the way the panel was actually STRUCTURED like a conversation was inspiring and wonderful
and all the shit they talked about made my talk the next morning, which is about class seem incredibly silly and unnecessary
after the panel i WANTED TO JUST GUSH AT ALL OF THEM AND LISTEN TO THEM GO ON FOREVER
im an ADULT who respects peoples TIMES so i just run up and fangirl at latoya, because shes the only one i didnt recognize from twitter
SHIT i have to finish planting all of my find shit levels!
i go to check on the one i placed in the firehouse, that i thought would get the most foot traffic
then i noticed, out of THE 31 OTHER games in the firehouse only ONE (which i may have mentioned in a previous post, WHO KNOWS????) team didnt show up! has this happened before? i havent seen this happen in the past two indiecades ive been to! this is a NEW OPPORTUNITY!
so i fucking SEIZE IT
YESSS! MY VERY FIRST BOOTH AT A VIDEOGAME EVENT!
i proudly stand in front of it and wait around
wahh no ones coming up to it so i just start scoping out people i know to yell at
HEY, HEY YOU COME HERE YOU WANNA PLAY MY GAME
CHOOSATRON VISITED ME EVEN and said i could WRITE FOR THE CHOOSATRON!
as soon i’m able to start CARNIVAL BARKING though people i DONT KNOW, the people who i want to be ACTUAL PLAYERS OF MY GAME start listening to me with INTRIGUE
i explain the rules to strangers! i hand them a level with a pin on it, and they wear it!
i say IF YOU CAN FIND THE OTHER FIVE STATIONS and the HIDDEN LEVEL THAT DOESNT HAVE A STATION and then FIND ME, WHICH IS PROBABLY THE EASIEST PART OF THE GAME you could win a NINTENDO GAME!!!!
and jesus the word nintendo just makes people LOSE THEIR SHIT
man this eight year old kid, he was just like NINTENDO GAME???? AHHHHHHHH and ran away SCREAMING through the firehouse, looking for shit!
HE WAS ON A MISSION
he even gave me a freaking HUG before he left too
like an OH -MY-GOD-IM-GONNA-WIN-THANK-YOU-THANK-YOU-IM-A-WINNER-ALREADY hug
with my day made, i leave the fire station to EXPLORE THE FESTIVAL!!!
god i wish i could have played hoot pitooter
BUT I GOTTA FIND SHADE I CAN FEEL THE SUN HATING ME MY SUNSCREEN NEEDS A RE-UP BUT ITS STILL AT THE HOTEL AHHH
ooo its getting closer to NIGHTGAMES im getting EXCITED ooooo
oh hey, its KRIS LIGMAN again! shes been really easy to spot because we keep dressing the same every day and have the same haircut! TWINSIES!
oooo in a SNACK CIRCLE and richard lemarchand is hadning out hummus and dried fruit
FUCK I SPILLED DRIED STRAWBERRIES ALL OVER MY SWEATY SOCK BECAUSE I JUST HAD TO TAKE MY SHOES OFF TO WIGGLE MY SORE TOES GODDAMNIT THERES STRAWBERRIES IN MY SHOE NOW TOO UGH
as im shaking off my shoe HOLY SHIT SOMEONE RUNS UP TO ME I CANT FIND THE LAST ONE I HAVE SIX
and the level they havent found yet i can totally see from where im sitting, i tell them this, and point them in the general direction of where the level is, assuring them that yes i can DEFINITELY SEE IT if i look that way
they RUN OFF in that direction, searching for the last level and then RUN BACK TO ME AFTER FINDING IT SCREAMING THAT YAY! THEY DID IT THEY FOUND ALL THE LEVELS AND THEY FOUND ME
i had confetti with me just in case someone won, something i wasnt planning on but its good to be prepared
and he GOT ALL OF IT YESSSSS RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF INDIECADE VILLAGE
and the friend with him also found all of it so he got a nintendo game too!
TWO WINNERS! AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW THEM!!!!
SO I SET UP MY PARTY TENT FOR NIGHTGAMES!
HUGE SHOUT OUT TO THE HANDFUL OF VOLUNTEERS THAT PUT UP WITH ME NOT UNDERSTANDING HOW COMPUTERS WORKED AND THEN BEING GRACIOUS ENOUGH TO INTRODUCE THEMSELVES TO ME AND IM SORRY FOR FORGETTING ALL YOUR NAMES
IF YOU WERE OR KNOW A VOLUNTEER THAT HELPED ME WITH MY TENT PLEASE CONTACT ME SO I CAN PUT THEIR NAMES IN THIS POST
I HAD MY OWN TENT AT NIGHTGAMES
I THREW A FUCKING TRASH PARTY!!
the theme of my trash party was A BUNCH OF FREE TRASH CULTURE FOR YOU TO PLAY AND ROLL AROUND IN
translated that means i featured SEVEN FREE DIGITAL GAMES
– HOW TO BE A GREAT ARTIST IN TEN SECONDS by mcc and smestorp PROJECTED ONTO MY TENT WALL
– BROOKLYN TRASH KING by torah horse
– REALISTIC KISSING SIMULATOR by sparky and jimmy
– PROBLEM ATTIC by ellaguro
– GROIN GRAVITATORS by hulk handsome
– DAPHNY NEEDS TO SHIT by the radix
– and a digital version of FIND SHIT by me! woo!
i may have snuck some other games in but ILL NEVER ADMIT IT
along with this FABULOUS menagerie of games for people to play A TOTAL FUCKING BABE WHO GIVES REALLY AMAZING HUGS AND SMELLS WONDERFUL helped me provide ARTS AND CRAFTS!
very smoochable cutie– I MEAN LIST OF VERY SMOOCHA i mean HERES A LIST OF SHIT:
construction paper, bendy fuzzy colorful wire, pom poms, crayons, markers, tape, scissors, glue sticks, glow in the dark skeletons, neon rings, confetti, and a bunch of other shit so people could CREATE THEIR OWN TRASH CULTURE and TAPE IT TO THE WALL!
TIME FOR PARTY PICTURES!
it was so funny because id just be running around in my socks (ITS MY PARTY AND I ALWAYS TAKE MY SHOES OFF AT MY PARTIES) yelling WELCOME TO THE TRASH PARTY! WOOO!
ENJOY THE TRASH CULTURE! MAKE SOME TRASH! PUT IT ON THE WALL! ITS THE TRASH PARTY WOOO!!!
and people would be like WOOOO and fucking MAKE MORE TRASH!
OH MAN AND MY FRIEND KYTE LOCKETT texts me from outside the gates “is that richard lemarchand djing” and im like OH SHIT IM SUPPOSED TO GET KYTE IN and i go and im like excuse me this is a family member and drag her in to PARTY WOOO
THEN SKYE FROM TWITTER is like HELLO IM SKYE and it takes me a second and YES TWITTER it clicks because boy party mode is a lot of faces at once
as with everyone who comes to indiecade for the first time, a friend of skye’s remarked, on arrival “everyone is so goregous here!” that always sticks out to me as well
the trash was very successful! infact, one hour into nightgames, at only the 25 PERCENT COMPLETE LOADING BAR OF THE NIGHT, i looked around and realized THERE ISNT ENOUGH TRASH WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF TRASH TO PUT ON THE WALL
luckily my friend patrick, who was demoing yarn ball ILLEGALLY on his custom gameboy in my tent said WHAT DO YOU NEED
i listed off a few things and he RUNS AWAY
i panic, hoping he can find anything to keep my supply of crafts steady, calming my nerves by drinking from my custom “water” bottle
WOO WELCOME TO THE TRASH PARTY oh boy someones playing find shit let me tell them how much i suck at my game OH MY GOD ALL THE CREATORS ARE IN HERE PAYING ATTENTION TO THEIR GAMES I CAN JUST RUN AROUND AND YELL WOOO THIS IS HOW I LIKE TO THROW PARTIES WOOO
oh fuck! patrick is already back! AND OH MY *GOD* HE HAS AN ACTIVITY BUCKET
i run around the tent sprinkling all the new arts and crafts whereever people are making their own things yelling NOW YOU HAVE GLITTER NOW THERES MORE PAPER LOOK AT THESE MARKERS OH BOY *DUMP DUMP DUMP* FOAM DINOSAURS! ~mysterious patterned fabric that looks like its from a special game~ *DUMP DUMP DUMP* POPSICLE STICKS! CONFETTI!! WOOO TRASH PARTY!
oh cool elmers glue how the fuck do i get this open *SPLOOGE*
oh my god, oh my god my HAND is covered in elmers glue and HEHEHE its so sticky, hehehe my hand feels funny, hahah this looks like jizz heheh
IM HOSTING A PARTY I NEED THIS OFF MY HAND! oh god theres no sink around me oh god this isnt water in my water bottle OH FUCK I AM THE ABSOLUTE FURTHEST FROM THE CULVER HOTEL WHERE THE ONLY RUNNING WATER I CAN THINK OF IS RIGHT NOW
well i use my non-gross hand to slip on my shoes, shove my disgusting dripping bottle of elmers glue covered hand in the air and BOLT
oh god i cant run through people dancing so i start shouting AHHH I HAVE GROSS STICKY STUFF ON MY HAND AND I NEED TO WASH IT OFF IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY nad i get through the crowd pretty quick cuz im fast and slinky and no one wants to touch a gross hand
i make it to the gates, and i breathe! oh god it is not nearly as hot out here as it is in my tent
im still completely soaked from dumping a whole bottle of actual water on my head from BEFORE THE GLUE MISHAP (i have great timing) because PLASTIC TENTS FULL OF PEOPLE AND COMPUTERS DONT VENTILATE WELL AT ALL
and jesus christ my tent was crowded hint hint my tent was almost TOO SMALL for my party hint hint
so i breathe and OH ITS THE BIG BALD BEARD DUDE FROM INTEL AND HES SMOKING I HAVENT SMOKED YET so i say omg give me a cigarette im on my break you see i spilled something gross all over my hand *makes a fist*
“daphny you sure seem to be good at getting yourself into sticky situations”
ITS NOT JIZZ ITS GLUE I WASNT GIVING ANYONE A HANDJOB I SWE–
and i see two cops
oh god cops oh cops oh fuck cops
and they just laughed and said ‘WE WISH”
thank you police for not arresting me for being very loud in front of you holy fuck white skin you saved me again
SO CRISIS AVERTED HAND WASHED, RUN BACK TO THE PARTY, SHOES BACK OFF!
so yeah, as the night went on my tent got freaking COVERED i mean wow i had no idea so many creative people would show up!
the best part were all these really shy kids (like between 8-20) just standing at the table for a long ass time, the noise and the party and the stress of sweaty adults acting a fool disappearing around them, just finding some peace in being able to make something for themselves without pressure
like there were these two young sisters, who spent TWO HOURS at the crafts table, and their dad was eagerly looking around wanting to see the rest of nightgames cuz they got to my tent AT SEVEN, but was super happy with how much fun they were having
and there was this super tall silent kid, just spending a half hour on geometric paper art, and he made a cylinder a square and another cylinder covered in patterns that HE RIPPED WITH HIS FINGERS NOT CUT WITH SCISSORS, connected all to eachother, then silently hung it from a bar going across the top of the tent
and im like AHHHHHH YOU MADE ME A CHANDELIER and he just nervously nods and walks away to wander around the rest of the event
half an hour before the party ended i started running around nightgames screaming
I HAVE TO PUT ALL OF THE BEAUTIFUL THINGS ON MY TENT WALLS IN THE TRASH AFTER NIGHTGAMES, PLEASE HELP ME PRESERVE THE TRASH IF YOU WANT TO TAKE TRASH HOME RIP IT OFF THE WALLS AND STEAL IT
THIS IS NOW A CONSUMER-DRIVEN PARTY, STEAL THE ART! TAKE THE TRASH! BEFORE IT GOES IN THE GARBAGE
so a lot of people came and took things! but they didnt take all of it
so every time i put a handful of my temporary gallery into the trash im like APPRECIATE HOW EPHEMERAL THESE MOMENTS ARE *TOSS*
SOMEDAY THIS WILL ALL BE GONE *STUFFS IT IN THE BIN*
STEAL THE FUCKING ART BEFORE THE CITY DUMP DOES *puts foot on trashcan and pushes trash down to make more room for the gallery*
SO YEAH but guess what i STOLE SOME ART TOO here are the pieces i took home
as SOON as nightgames was over i wanted to party more but nooooooooooo i had to go to bed early becauyse HOLY SHIT MY TALK IS IN THE MORNING AND IM GOING FIRST!!!
stay tuned for tomorrows post about that, the last day of indiecade, new friendship and ANOTHER PARTYYYYYYY
thank you for making this post possible. shit is rough but its getting more sustainable! if you arent my patron yet check it out!
exclusive patron-only content added TWICE A WEEK! every dollar makes me more able to focus on going to events and covering them SO YOU CAN READ SEE AND HEAR ABOUT IT!