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BLARGHCADE NUMERO FUNF: FIRST FUNKY FIGHTER

bosskilledap8

 

CADE CADE GOSH ITS TIME FOR BLARGHCADE AGAIN hello everyone its been a freaking week hasnt it WELL YOU SEEM TO BE SLOWING DOWN YOUR POSTS DAPHNY jeez o pete

 

let me tell you

LET ME TELL YOU

something totaly fucking unrelated to BLARGHCADE but oh god fucking FIND SHIT IS IN INDIECADE  ALREAfDY KNOW THIS BECAUSE IVE BEEN FUCKING SCREAMING ABOUT IT EVERYWHERE but this is my

professional

personal

website

BUT YES that is an EXCITING adventure and has nothing to do with anything get on with it daphny we’re here for real ga— OKAOYMKOAYKAEOYJTGDKOFJTG

so im PUMPED im really PUMPED for this weeks game, its a game that when people ask me my favorite game i never say it but then when i see it i remember YES THIS IS MY FUCKING FAVORITE GAME

so lets sit down and have a little history lesson, shall we?

okay so like you know how whack a mole is FUN AS HECK and the tickets they spit out and who cares about the mallet anymore lets just use our hands and WHACKING MOLES MOLES MOLES MOLES MOLES get out of those holes i feel kinda bad whacking them but its okay since they keep popping back up for more!

WELL theres this company called TAITO that makes OLD ARCADE GAMES and they um, well, they made whack a mole except instead of moles its DINOSAURS AND MERMEN AND SHARKS AND IM SCREAMING BECAUSE I CANT PUNCH THIS FUCKER FAST ENOUGHHHHHHHHHHH

The_First_Funky_Fighter_-_1993_-_NakanihonHOLY SHIT ITS THE FIRST. FUNKY. FIGHTER. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

so here you are hero, you’re taken BACK IN TIME and what of course you have a hot girlfriend but REPTILES AND SHARKS HAVE TRAPPED HER AND YOU GOTTA PUNCH SOME FUCKING GUTS OUT TO GET TO THIS TOTAL BABE

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shes like ~oh no im too animeeeeeeeeeeeee pleaseeeeeeeee oh dear these gross icky creaturesssssssssssss my blonde hair is WAIT HOW IS HER HAIR NOT ON FIRE THATS NOT CANON

so yeah sharks and dinos steal your girl, to get her back you gotta punch

AND FAST

funkyfigi have never seen a first funky fighter machine in my life, what i do is i use the NUMPAD on a KEYBOARD in A MAME EMULATOR and mash those keys like my life depended on it !

so like yeah, the 9 buttons each correspond to a part of the screen so if you punch a button you punch thatt PART OF THE SCREEN

and there are dudes swarming ALL OVER and you have to just fucking hit the right button at the right time and hope you punchknifekickbitepunch them before they get away and then DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

HERE COMES A MIDBOSS WHO YOU HAVE TO chase and punch fast enough AROUND THE SCREEN SHITHTSIHTITHIXSHTSI before time RUNS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fff04which is really hard

I CREDIT FEED THE HECK OUT OF THIS GAME but likt doesnt really matter i think you can beat it in 3 or 4 quartes!

so after the midboss fucks off you do more MASSHASHASHAHSAMSAHSSA in the amazon jungle sewer primitive IT DOESNT MATTER THERE ARE MONSTERS AND I NEED TO PUNCH THEM

now THIS IS WHERE I GET CONFUSED theres a bonus round but my dude always just goes HEYAAAAAAAAAAA god where is that sound the sound of hius HEYAAAAAA is really hilartious

SHIT THIS GAME IS SO GOOD

it gets me really PUMPED but its also really HARD so you might suck at it !

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HEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

NEXT WEEK BLARGHCADE WILLL BE A LOT MORE FUCKING CALM it’ll be nice see you next monday!!

i accept small consulting fees of 1-5 dollars a month on my PATREON

 

 

0 Comments Posted by on September 16th 2014 @ 4:20 am

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BLARGHCADE #4: METAL *FUCKING* BLACK

THIS ONES GONNA BE SHORT BECAUSE I ALREADY HAVE A VIDEO

METAL BLACK IS A GAME BY TAITO AND ITS THE BEST HORIZONTAL SHOOTER LET ME shit okay caps huff

here is a BULLET LIST (like the back of a videogame box) why its good

-horizontal shooters are actually extremely good vehicles for narrative because ALL OF THE PASSIVE NARRATIVE (THINK CUTSCENES) is happening in THE BACKGROUND while you pew pew pew lazer shoot everything
-soundtrack by ZUNTATA, taitos houseband, they make all the good music in taito arcade games

CHECK IT OUT ITS THE NINJA WARRIORS SONG LOOK AT THESE NERDS WHO RULE AT MUSIC

-really silly ending thats an homage to 2001
-COLORS
-LASERS
-FUCKING SUPER LASER BATTLES WITH THE BOSSES WHERE YOU HAVE TO MASH A *DIFFERENT* BUTTON REALLY HARD TO SHOOT A BALL OF ENERGY IN THEIR FUCKING FACES
you  can super laser WHENEVER YOU WANT as long as you eat enough of the magical floating beans called NEWALONE to charge up your SUPER LAZER

but you should only use it on the bosses because the bosses eat beans too and they shoot lasers BACK AT YOUR FACE hence the GIANT SUPER BALL OF ENERGY BATTLE

watch the video it explains everything its the first level

 

0 Comments Posted by on September 8th 2014 @ 9:34 pm

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BLARGHcade #3: BLASTER

DOES PARADISE EXIST?
CAN CIVILIZATION BE STARTED AGAIN?
THESE QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED AT THE END OF YOUR JOURNEY
PAX IS FINALLY FUCKING OVER and we didnt kill games but we sure did get close!
SO TO KEEP UP WITH MY PROMIUSE TO YOU, MY LOYAL PATRONS MY HUNG OVER ASS IS HERE WITH THE THIRD EDITION OF MY FEATURE on arcade games!

everyones heard of eugene jarvis, everyone whos reading this i think.
oh, did i hear someone say no i havent? WELL THATS WHY IM HERE TO TEACH YOU
eugene jarvis made this totally colorful amazing ridiculous and silly little tiny game, really little
i mean its fucking old and its one screen and its just flashing colors and beep boops and you shoot bad guys and rescue good ones and it didnt even have a fucking BUTTON
no the start button doesnt fucking count
what was it fucking called, something super generic and forgettable
OH YEAH
ROBOTRON

but anyway im not here to fucking talk about that game im here to talk about ITS SEQUEL
WHY YES THERE IS A SEQUEL TO ROBOTRON
AND GUESS FUCKING WHAT
ITS WAY BETTER
AND ITS CALLED

BLASTERLOGO2

wait i mean
BLASTERLOGO6

shit thats not it either

BLASTERLOGO3

GODDAMNIT GET IT RIGHT

1181242060403

jeez FINALLY
blaster has TWO BUTTONS blasters TWO BUTTONS ARE

blaster

BLAST AND THRUST

AND IT HAS A NEW DIMENSION AS WELL! THATS RIGHT ITS A FIRST PERSON RAINBOW FLY THROUGH SPACE SHOOTER
its *whispers* THREEEEEEEEE DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Blaster_-_1983_-_Williams,_Inc.

the first level is super cool, you fly through RAINBOW SPACE LAND and dodge GIANT RAINBOW ROBOTS while flying through white arches, its really cool because it gives someone who isnt used to playing games in a 3d space (REMEMBER THIS IS NINETEEN EIGHTY THrEEEEEEE) a way to move around and get used to this brand new dimension in games!
you know like when silly babies have to learn to aim in the toilet so mommy puts a duckie or a target in there for you? the first level is like that
BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE CANT LEARN ANYTHING UNLESS ITS A GAME (wink)

so yeah! you’re flying on the surface of party planet and you MIGHT RECOGNIZE THOSE GIANT ROBOTS BECUASE THEY’RE HUGE VERSIONS OF THE INDESTRUCTIBLE ASSHOLES FROM ROBOTRON

but whatever you’re in a spaceship now and its time to TAKE OFF so woooosh you fly through enough arches and then OH GOD WHAT IS THIS
//
IM A LOST RAINBOW SPACE MAN? wait no im not im IN A FUCKING SPACESHIP AND I HAVE TO SAVE THIS FLOATING LOST SPACE BABY
Blaster_-_1983_-_Williams,_Inc. (1)

at least hes dressed well, i mean what kind of jerk WOULDNT wear rainbow flashing colors if they’re planning on getting lost in FREAKING SPACE
okay okay so pick up the dudes and dodge rocks i got this, this is basically a bonus round
WAIT A MINUTE EUGENE YOU TRICKED ME IT *IS* A BONUS ROUND oh boy i have a feeling things are going to get waayyy ha— WHOA WHATS THAT FLOATING E SHIT IM GONNA GET IT

then WHOOSH YOU COMPLETELY FUCKING SKIP THAT LEVEL LIGHT SPEEED MOTHERFUCKER, WHO CARES ABOUT ALL THESE LOST ASTRONAUTS THE NEXT FUCKER CAN PICK THOSE UP FOR ME i paid my goddamn quarter im busy FLYING THROUGH SPACE

oh god oh god ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING SPACE VAMPIRES HOW THE HELL DO I FIGHT SPACE VAMPIRES oh i have an idea ill just BLAST THE FUCKERS OUT OF MY WAY woooo take that WHAT THE FUCK SPACE CATS BUT I LOVE CATS
EUGENE THATS MEAN WHY WOULD YOU SHOOT A CAT
oh right, videogames.

i dont want to spoil TOOO much of the fun because i really think you should find an arcade machine that plays this or if you’re a dirty criminal i think you can figure out a way to steal it but i DO NOT CONDONE STEALING FROM EUGENE JARVIS he is one of the most important designers EVER
like really
like hes really important
like so important that someday i better shake his hand because blaster is my favorite game i am STOMPING MY FEET
i bet he google searches himself “EUGENE JARVIS” “EUGENE JARVIS”
two times is enough i dont want to summon him into my lap or anything
i mean
OKAY ARGH BACK TO VIDEOGAMES

so yeah, theres a fuck ton of awesome flying rainbow color first person 3d beautiful levels and if you dont FUCKING SUCK you can mayyyyyyyyyyybe make it to paradise
WHAT IS PARADISE?
im not going to spoil it, but trust me its WORTH IT AND AMAZING there *are* smooches

SMOOCHES GUYS
SMOOCHES

play blaster

BLASTERLOGO5

BLAST AND THRUST YOUR WAY THROUGH RAINBOW SPACE AND IF YOU DONT SUCK YOU’LL GET A SMOOCH AND MAYBE SOMETHING MORE

i cannot confirm or deny the existence of paradise. you must find out for yourself

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK FOR BLARGHCADE #4 I LOVE ARCADE GAMES AND SO SHOULD YOU
WE CANT MOVE FORWARD WITHOUT LOOKING BACK

0 Comments Posted by on September 2nd 2014 @ 11:18 pm

GIVE THESE PEOPLE MONEY, GIVE THEM ALL OF YOUR MONEY

PLEASE SUPPORT THIS DOCUMENTARY AND GIVE IT AS MUCH MONEY AS YOU CAN
GIVE IT ALL YOUR FUCKING MONEY
JUST THROW ALL OF IT AT THESE GUYS THEY’RE REALLY GREAT AT ASKING FOR YOUR MONEY

holy shit
THEY SAY THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE THEY ACTUALLY SAY THAT OUTLOUD

THE BALD GUY SOUNDS JUST LIKE JOHN WATERS too
other guy looks like PENN i guess he really likes that show BULLSHIT

I AM SWIMMING IN EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS VIDEO!!!

oh, they’re doing some PATREON (a site usually reserved for IMPOVERISHED BEGGARS for some documentary to DEBUNK the LIES that GAMES JOURNALISM is propagating
THEY ARE VERY INTO ‘JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY”

because the internet is discovering that PEOPLE WHO WORK IN GAMES
get this, get this hold on to your fucking pants because THIS IS THE KICKER
these people
WHO WORK TOGETHER IN A CREATIVE FIELD
THEY GO TO EVENTS SEVERAL TIMES A YEAR, WITH *OTHER* PEOPLE WHO WORK IN THE SAME CREATIVE FIELD!!! CRITICS, JOURNALISTS, DESIGNERS, COMMUNITY MANAGERS, PR, ARTISTS, MUSICIANS
all in games
ALL IN GAMES
GAMES! ITS SO *INFURIATING* BECAUSE OH MY GOD THESE PEOPLES *JOBS* ARE CREATING, DESIGNING AND TALKING ABOUT LITERAL PLAY
ytou know how like kids go outside and play tag or like duck duck goose
maybe you dont know that because you dont go outside much, maybe you experience play through call of duty or twine or doom or some other DIGITAL form of play
which is totally awesome, because PLAY IS FUN
but look
PEOPLE ARE MAKING MONEY OFF OF THE THINGS OTHERS THINK ARE FUN
AND THEY *KNOW* EACHOTHER through all these events that a lot of people GET INTO FOR FREE BECUASE FANS HAVE TO PAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
ITS
ITS INJUSTICE!!!!!
AND THESE BRAVE YOUNG MEN ARE WORKING THEIR HARDEST TO EXPOSE THAT INUSTICE
EVERYTHING SHORT OF GETTING A LAWYER AND TAKING IT TO COURT
well they couldnt do that, even though its hilarious to think of a huge phoenix wright style COURT CASE in big lights

THE INTERNET VS VIDEOGAMES

CAN SOMEONE CALL PHOENIX WRIGHT THIS VERY SECOND I THINK WE HAVE AN AMAZING CASE IN THE WORKS!!!!!

i am glad people are putting ALL OF THEIR ENERGY on something as SCANDALOUS as people in games ACTUALLY KNOWING EACHOTHER FROM FACE TO FACE INTERACTIONS
because god thatss just ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE!!!!! FRIENDSHIP!!!! ITS NOT MAGIC AFTER ALL!!!! MY LITTLE PONY FUCKING LIED TO US ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

NO JUSTICE NO PEACE! GET YOUR GUY FAWKES MASKS READY EVERYONE LETS STORM PAX WITH THE ANGER OF TEN THOUSAND INTERNET POSTS!!!!!!!

13 Comments Posted by on August 25th 2014 @ 11:13 pm

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BLARGHCADE #2: OUTFOXIES

WELCOME TO THE SECOND EDITION OF YOUR VERY FAVORITE BEST OF ARCADE GAME COVERAGE! today we’ll be talking about a game that WAS SUCH A NEAT MYSTERY when i saw it in japan, i played it for a few minutes in 2005 and was ABSOLUTELY BLOWN AWAY
i yelled at greg, who i went to japan with
OMG GREG TAKE A PICTURE I NEED TO SHOW SOMEONE THIS GAME AND FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS becuase the cabinets for a lot of old games in japants dont have freaking names on them!
so he took a picture for me of course AND OH GOD because it was a crt monitor the picture came out KINDA HILARIOUS

FUCK ILL NEVER FIND OUT WHAT THIS IS OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

yeah so i totally gave up on ever figuring out what the hell it was, UNTIL ONE DAY I DECIDED TO START SPAMMING A WEBSITE CALLED selectbutton that was an offshoot of the now-defunct insert credit forums BUT WHATEVER IM SURE IF YOU’RE READING THIS YOU’VE HEARD OF ONE OR THE OTHER OF THESE WEBSITES
oh man tangent time! im still in the top 10 most posted lists on selectbutton i think, i was number 3 for a while BECAUSE I NEVER STOPPED POSTING i annoyed a lot of people on that site but also i made TONS OF FRIENDS FROM IT (hi sb pals leave a comment and say hi to me if we havent talked in a while!)

OKAY SO I POSTED THAT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT picture in athread where i was talkin about japan and EVERYONE WAS LIKE DUH DAPHNY THATS OUTFOXIES ONE OF HTE BEST GAMES EVER! so let me tell *you* why i love it so much!

outfoxies1

SO YEAH HOLY SHIT WHERE DO I BEGIN WITH THIS GAME i guess ill do my BEST to summarize it!
its like smash brothers but you’re all fucking spies and you can interact with like THE ENTIRE LEVEL
the weapons arent as nintendo silly, like you find guns and bombs and toss those around but HOLY SHIT THE SPRITE ANIMATION IS AMAZING AND LOOK AT THIS CAST OF CHARICATURES

outfoxies2

-SUPER TALL BALD SPY MAN WITH A BIONIC ARM
-GENIUS APE IN A FUCKING TUX
-EVIL GOTHIC YOUNG TWINS
-SUPER HOT LITTLE BLACK DRESS ACTRESS CRIMINAL WITH A GODDAMN LIZARD ON HER SHOULDER
-PROFESSOR X HOVERING WHEELCHAIR GENIUS MAN THAT CAN BLOCK BULLETS WITH THE BACK OF HIS WHEELCHAIR ALSO HES A KUNG FU MASTER
-BORING WHITE GUY
-EXECUTIVE BOSS LADY

like, need i say more? no i fucking dont but i will ANYWAY

you can LITERALLY DROP A WHALE ON YOUR ENEMY IN ONE OF THE STAGES
YES
DROP
A FUCKING WHALE

outfoxies3

i love dropping the whale and being like OH YOU LIVE IN JAPAN AND YOU LOVE TO EAT WHALE MEAT HUH WELL HERE I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE WHOLE FUCKING WHALE YOU SCUMBAG anddiduyouknowthatmostwhalemeatisdolphinmeatanyway OH YOU DIDNT KNOW THAT I GUESS THATS WHY YOU’RE MOTHERFUCKING CRUSHED BY A WHALE ISNT IT

theres also an aquarium and the final stage is this mansion that you get to do an awesome fucking chase scene in

ALSO WHEN EVERY ROUND BEGINS IT JUST TELLS YOU “KILL YOUR ENEMY BY ANY MEANS POSSIBLE”
this game doesnt fuck around!

WELL THATS IT FOR THIS WEEK please dont play videogames illegally but if you were to find a way im not a fucking cop so whatever

NEXT WEEK WILL BE A GAME YOU PROBABLY HAVENT ACTUALLY HEARD OF im gonna switch off between super popular and a little more obscure

BUT WHAT ARCADE WRITE UP IS COMPLETE WITHOUT A LITTLE FUCKING OUTFOXIES

see you next week!

please keep supporting BLARGHCADE through a small monthly patronage IF YOU’VE ALREADY DONATED THANK YOU I LOVE YOU TELL YOUR FRIENDS I STILL DONT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY RENT

0 Comments Posted by on August 22nd 2014 @ 12:59 am

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RAY SIPE IS FUCKING AMAZING

if you havent watched his videos yet im doing you a fucking favor


what is normal? is it 4chan?


ANIME ANIME FROM JAPAN


sneaky cyberpunk


KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE BUT YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER

holy shit his costumes and his wit and everything, hes PERFECT INTERNET but hes like 308942390483290 years old
i will never be this cool

0 Comments Posted by on August 15th 2014 @ 9:06 pm

HOLY FUCK LOOK AT THIS POKEMON LINGERIE LINE

dear nintendo, you should officially release this HIGH FASHION as lingerie in the next victorias secret fashion show
really you fucking should
then you should pay SOPHIA FOR THE BRILLIANT IDEA
and also donate a small amount to my PATREON FOR THE FOUNDERS FEE
thank you
sincerely
daphny

BvB1VdiCQAEAJNJ

BvB8DLzCYAAxh36

0 Comments Posted by on August 15th 2014 @ 12:54 pm

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BIGSPACE
the arcade is a dying artform, sega and namco are definitely doing their damnest to keep public space games interesting but the only way for people to shove their quarters in machines now is for HUGE GIMMICKS like skateboards that you stand on and actually kick when you want to jump , or JURRASIC PARK style jeep cabinet, that two friends sit in while shooting giant bugs and working together to have the highest COMPATIBLILTY SCORE at the end of your genocidal sunday drive or a BIKE YOU NEED TO PEDAL to stay afloat!
there are places like babycastles and invisble arcade and fantastic arcade and indiecade and the indie megabooth and OTHERS who are reviving the public-in person play with their own styles of arcades. i dont even think its FAIR to say arcades are dying, theyre just fucking evolving
AND THIS IS FUCKING GREAT, but many of us dont even KNOW some of the fucking hidden gems of arcades of old
as a frequenter of the arcade expo CALIFORNIA EXTREME which takes place a 10 minute drive from where i was born, as a child whos family couldnt afford a computer but all my friends parents worked at videogame companies so i HAD CONSOLES
as somoene who would take the bus every weekened to sunnyvale golfland to cheer people on in street fighter tournaments
as someone whos interest in videogames was re-kindled by experiencing the arcade culture in a 2005 trip to japants
and especially as a really really really really really perverted masochist
I UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF PLAY IN PUBLIC SPACES

every week im going to tell you about a game i love, that originated in the arcade
whether i have experienced actually playing it in an arcade is a different story, but you can be SURE if i have that ill tell you ALL about it
i have this cognitive disorder where i cant shut up you see

SO WELCOME! HOPEFULLY I CAN GET YOU TO GET OUT THERE AND FIND THE GAMES I SPEAK OF becuase i have good taste and you should play every game i recommend
not all the games i recommend will be SUPER RARE im not into being FIRST when its impossible to be first ANYTHIGN on the internet nowadays
i just want to offer games i love a space to be loved, and if any one person plays a game ive recommended, thats a priceless fufillment YOU SHOULD FUCKING PAY ME THOUGH

on to the first game!
MACH BREAKERS LOGO

MACH BREAKERS: numan athletics is a sequel the most fucking frustrating arcade game ever, TRACK AND FIELD. YES THAT ONE and no i dont want to hear your method for hitting the buttons faster than everyone else, because everyone thats anyone knows that the PENCIL METHOD is the best way to cheat
so yeah daphny you’re thinking DAPHNY track and field is boring you said you were gonna be talking about REALLY AWESOME ARCADE GAMES
well STICK WITH ME
MACH BREAKERS has a lot of the same mechanics as track and field, yes there is button mashing to run fast, but theres ALSO A BUTTON IN THE MIDDLE, AN ACTION BUTTON which changes everything!
ALSO THE CHARACTER SELECTION IS AMAZING

THEY ALL HAVE DIFFERENT STATS! for instance huge man with big belly is slow but strong, tiny man that uses HIS HAIR AS HIS HANDS is super fast but really weak, and of course mr all america is totally average

the game starts pretty track and field, the first level is just MASH MASH TO GO FAST DO IT but then something amazing happens

SEE YOU'RE BREAKING MACH BECAUSE THE GAME IS CALLED MACH BREAKERS

holy shit NO WONDER ITS CALLED MACH BREAKERS!!!! AND AFTER YOU FINISH THAT LEVEL (drumroll)


SECOND DAY?????? A LEVEL SELECT SCREEN????? (winner of first event gets to pick) WHAT IS HAPPENING?! SOMETHING IS HAPPENING TO THIS GAME?! YES SOMETHING IS HAPPENING, and its freaking AMAZING

as the game progresses too there are levels where you have to PULL GODZILLA THROUGH A BURNING CITY

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OR YOU HAVE TO CATCH A FUCKING MISSLE FROM THE SKY AND THEN THROW IT AS FAR AWAY FROM THE CITY AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN SO WE ALL DONT FUCKING DIE

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theres a level like the regular running level but theres HUGE BLOCKS OF ICE that you have to fucking BUST THROUGH with the ACTION BUTTON and the animations for people are great, like look at big dude using his tummy to bust that ice down

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so ive never actually played this in a proper arcade, just on MAME (which if you dont have youre a bad person and you should fix that immdiately) and its NOT EASY like you have to do things in certain times or beat certain distances, so i credit fed the hell out of it. which is cool becuase IT GETS EASIER THE MORE YOU DIE! i recommend playing the ENTIRE THING
oh on mame the sound is fucked up and echo-ey but honestly i think it ADDS TO THE EXPERIENCE
also losing is hilarious so you should do it a lot!
tumblr_mit7lcAQb41roqda3o1_500

blonde muscleman turns into a huge crybaby when he loses! dont you just want to hug him???

OH AND THE GAME SUPPORTS UP TO FOUR PLAYERS even though not all events are simultaneous play, and some of the ones that are only support two players at a time!

i think my FAVORITE event in mach breakers is where you have to shoot lasers at giant robots as fast as possible but sometimes cute girls pop up and if you shoot a cute girl you lose points

PLAY MACH BREAKERS! SEE YOU NEXT MONDAY FOR THE SECOND INSTALLMENT OF BLARGHCADE

3 Comments Posted by on August 11th 2014 @ 11:02 pm

HOW I BECAME FRIENDS WITH ALL SORTS OF COOL PEOPLE IN BANDS

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people always ask me HOW DID YOU END UP ON THE COVER OF A XIU XIU SINGLE so lets talk about TEEN DAPHNY for a little bit! (TL;DR: grew up in the bay area and went to a fuck ton of shows when i was a teen)

so my FIRST ibopa show was when i was 14, it was actually my first EVER live concert! we went because a skinhead punk band that lauren really liked was playing
but ibopa was opening and it was THIS REALLY AWESOME GIRL who i went to highschool with’s birthday, and jamie was playing her leopard coat for her birthday and i was like what is this magical fucking band, what is cinematic death mambo, i need more of it in my life
jamie would introduce band members as ORLANDO FURIOSO and god i dont even remember everyones name!!! i just remember orlando furioso really well because HE WAS SUPER FUCKING TALL AND HOT AND PLAYED BARITONE SAX and ugh he follows me on facebook so he’ll probably read this but I WAS A TEEN OKAY ITS NOT LIKE I EXPECTED TO BANG I JUST HAD A FUCKING ROCK STAR CRUSH SORRY KURT IM SORRY

the second ibopa show i actually got to MEET JAMIE because my friends both had huge crushes on him and i was like OMG LETS BRING A COCONUT BRA AND MAKE HIM WEAR IT and he actually put it over his suit-jacket and let us take a picture, DAMNIT ID TOTALLY POST THE PICTURE but its on a corkboard in oakland, ill post it here when i get my corkboard back

LOOK AT WHAT RIDICULOUS TEEN FANS WE WERE

LOOK AT WHAT RIDICULOUS TEEN FANS WE WERE

after a different ibopa show jamie stewart gave me and my friends a ride home, and he asked me what my favorite band was, and i said OH I DUNNO THE POGUES (still true) and he SCREAMED and started honking his horn on his silly station wagon in the middle of the freeway
second ibopa show a couple months later AND WE MET OMG
millions of ibopa shows (didnt make it to the last ibopa show but my friend did and got an ibopa drum-head)
one of the first times i actually hung out with jamie outside a show i was like hey lets punch each other lets play punch for punch
and we did it at like EVERY SHOW AFTER THAT he wo uld punch my upper arms until the entire fucking arm from my elbow to my shoulder was bruised, id punch him really fucking hard back too
once while we were punching each other (when his arm would hurt too much hed be like OKAY PUNCH ME IN THE LEG, NO WAIT THIS LEG, OH GOD CHARLIE HORSE)
like i said we punched each other HARD
it was outside this now closed thrift shop in san jose, that would have shows every weekend. we were in the parking lot PUNCH PUNCH PUNCHING AWAY and some people came out and were like PUNCH ME TOO then more people came out and we had this HUGE FUCKING CIRCLE OF KIDS AND BAND MEMBERS PUNCHING EACH OTHER AS HARD AS THEY COULD
it was a beautiful moment
we had to stop playing punch for punch eventually, because he said that his back was killing him when he played guitar, but he really WANTED me to punch him
ALSO HOLY SHIT he just texted me two nights ago and said i FUCKING BROKE HIS RIB but its okay “it was a long time ago, i loved it!”

oh MAN so one time me and lauren and CASPIAN challenged ten in the swear jar to a BOWLING MATCH and if we won they had to write a song about us!
and kurt, jamie and tim (ACCORDIONIST OF TEN IN THE SWEAR JAR/IBOPA YOU KNOW WHY THAT ALBUM IS CALLED ACCORDION SOLO ITS BECAUSE OF HIS FUCKING ACCORDION SOLOS, HES AMAZING TOO he gave us a ride home once and bought TACO BELL) all came and kurt had to show off his THUNDERBALL TECHNIQUE (that he threatened me with via email) which is basically this huge barbarian of a man grabs the heaviest bowling ball the alley has and then THROWS IT UNDERHANDED ONTO THE LANE SO IT COMES CRASHING DOWN WITH THE BIGGEST MOST HORRIFYING SOUND IN THE WORLD and if the thunderclap from the ball hitting the shiny bowling lane doesnt knock the pins over the HURLING 17 POUND CANNONBALL WILL AT LEAST HIT ONE
so yeah that technique is legit
they won
we didnt get a song

ten in the swear jar would play a lot lot of shows with DEERHOOF, another great local band, which is how i became tourettes (when i thought i had tourettes) pals with the drummer HES AMAZING AND SUPER SWEEt i wanna go to a deerhoof show again
he remembers me too! because someone recognized him at a radiohead show and she was like OH YOU’RE THE DEERHOOF DRUMMER IM DAPHNYS FRIEND and he was like OH DAPHNY YEAH I KNOW HER SHES LOUD

XITSJ WAS REALLY AMAZING WHEN THEY PLAYED I LOVE THE VALLEY xiu xiu does it alright live but it’ll never be as good as ten in the swear jar live SORRY PALS YOU MISSED THOSE CONCERTS

xitsj eventually broke up and I REMEMBER THE FIRST XIU XIU SHOW IT WAS JUST JAMIE BY HIMSELF WITH A GUITAR AND A beep boop machine, (at the clothing store we had the huge punch for punch circle at!) doing xitsj covers and a couple original songs
i REMEMBER him playing the sound of the police (who is my friend kenan), suha, and i love the valley
i think knife play is my favorite xiu xiu album because half the songs are from before xiu xiu official even existed. i mean xiu xiu has always existed but BEFORE XIU XIU HAD A NAME YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ok

oh another really good early xiu xiu show with the original lineup of corey and dr. troll was they OPENED FOR THE SAN JOSE THEATRE PREMIERE OF REQUIEM FOR A DREAM???? i mean if thats not a perfect place for a xiu xiu show i dont know where is

AS FUCKING ALWAYS this post OF COURSE is brought to you by my fucking goddamn patreon! like what you’re reading? wanna see MORE? click the link and give me the dosh! PLEDGE AWAY

0 Comments Posted by on August 8th 2014 @ 3:06 am

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CONCLUSION OF DAPHNYS WEST COAST TOUR TWO THOUSAND TEEN

ITS TIME FOR THE FINAL LEG OF MY PACIFIC NORTHWEST TRIP! THEN I CAN WRITE ABOUT FUCKING OTHER THINGS god this has been a really long post BUT IM PROMISING MYSELF TO FINISH IT

horrible dragon boyfriend had to do some STREAMING OR some shit so i got to hang out with greg and ian and TJ AND HEATHER again and another person who im twiter friends with now but SHTI I CANT REMEMBER THEIR NAME IM THE WORST was it nero IT WAS NERO hi nero you’re a hero

we spent a fucking long ass time trying to get greg to eat a goddamn donut and he was being a shit about it so we had a twitter fight and i made the internet SHAME HIM FOR NOT EATING THE DONUT
DONT WASTE FOOD GREG

LOOK AT IANS RIDICULOUS PT CRUISER COVERED IN STICKERS
i think its ians at least
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then PAMI from PUYALLUP comes to seattle to meet horrible dragon boyfriend
puyallup is where the WASHINGTON STATE FAIR IS they have a really obnoxious song, also puyallup is fucking hard to pronounce and it took me like A WEEK to get it right

seriously whenever id say somethign about puyallup like 9482390453940 washingtonians would be all HEY THE STATE FAIR SONG LISTEN TO IT so now im passing the curse onto you
there wasnt much to do and it was RAINING so i was like fuck it nordstrom has free wifi lets just loiter there and we wander into the LADIES LOUNGE where pami shows me that instead of pads or tampons she just wears diapers on her period

pami is my adopted daughter so im allowed to embarass her on the internet, that is a parents job TO EMBARASS THEIR CHILDREN never forget this

OH SHIT LJ lj is amazing he SNUCK INTO GDC USING A BADGE OF SOMEONE WHO HAD THE SAME NAME AS HIM SO HE COULD MEET HIS VIDEOGAME HEROES apparently im one of them but thats silly, during a dinner after gdc phil was like THIS KID TOUCHED MY HAIR I DONT KNOW WHAT WAS UP WITH HIM and lance told me about touching phils hair LATER and i was like HAHAHAHAH LANCE HE REMMEBERS YOU but look at this birthday game lance made me

ZZT RULES. official pronounciation is zzzzzzzzzzzt. because its electric. this is canon.

YAY THEN WE WENT TO GAMEWORKS AGAIN since i already talked about gameworks ill just give you the IMPORTANT BULLET POINTS
-squidlarkin was there again, and he was wearing PAISLEY PANTS AND HOLY SHIT!!! DID YOU KNOW???? I REALLY FUCKING HAVE IT BAD FOR PATTERNS. houndstooth in particular but like i cannot CONTROL THE GUSHING OF MY HOOHOO AROUND SOME PATTERNS paisley is one of them, so like staring at a paisley butt BOY HOWDY did that make my hackles rise
– i kicked ass in king of fighters xiii, i just started learning it AND ITS FUCKING HARD but i did pretty damn well. gameworks has good fighting games
– MYSTERY TWITTER FAN FROM ARIZONA bought me a HUGE GLASS OF CIDER and also lost to me in videogames, namely tatsunoko vs capcom (i rule with roll im like IM CLEANING UP *HITS YOU WITH BROOM* YOU’RE FILTHY AND NEED TO CLEAN UP *DUSTS* OH??? ARE YOU THIRSTY HAVE SOME WATER *THRWOS A BUCKET OF WATER ON YOU* *HEALS FOREVER* im pretty sure gameworks was really pissed at me about those roll matches i get really rowdy and loud in fighting games)
-oh I WHOOPED DRAGON BOYFRIENDS ASS IN MARVEL 2 which makes me happy becuase he kept fucking cheesing me the last time we were there, and i was like FUCK IT ITS TIME FOR CABLE JIN AND the other sword guy who isnt strider SO GOOD IM SO GOOD AND CHEAP

speaking of fighting games WE GOT ALL STAR BATTLE! ITS A JOJO FIGHTING GAME!
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its got COLORS AND A PUNCHING MINIGAME
AND FUCKING HORSES

BUT WE COULDNT PLAY IT YET! we had to go to OLYMPIA with pals to see MADDOX be the NARRATOR in a super queermo version of peter pan!
so a couple of aevee and maddox’s twitter pals pick me and dragon boyfriend up from seattle and we drive down to OLYMPIAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
we’re early though so we go to the water and walk around a park and OH GOD I FOUND THIS AWESOME HIDDEN NOOK CAVE AND WENT IN IT WITH MY DRAGON BOYFRIEND AND HE HAD A HUGE BONER AND IW ANTED TO PUT IT IN MY MOUTH but we had to go to a play! that was hot i wanna go back to that nook and finish what i started
THE PLAY WAS GREAT! it was in this really cool builidng with no roof and when i say cool i mean FUCKING FREEZING i am not used to your chilly spring weather washington, why didnt you warn me
it made me giggle and cry because YES I AM A LITTLE BOY FOREVER AS WELL

i was SUPPOSED TO GET ON A BUS but i didnt because im horny okay.

so i got to go to a fun dinner with MORE TWITTER PALS like vogon and GOD SOMEONE I DIDNT KNOW YET BUT HE WORKS WITH SOMEONE DRAGON BOYFRIEND USED TO WORK WITH BECAUSE THIS WORLD IS SMALL AND MEANINGLESS
we went to a BOARD GAME STORE and i bestowed upon all my superior game knowledge
also did you know that choose your own adventure books have the worst art now? WHY WOULD YOU RUIN THE BEST ART EVER WITH A ‘MODERN TWIST’ ugh ill twist your modern til it fucking pops off
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aevee bought LOVE LETTER
we played it later that night and i WON AND GOT A KISS FROM THE PRINCE if you havent played love letter do it now its all about reading people and lying is allowed but makes you a horrible person if you wanna lie do it on a bed okay

yeah so i kept DELAYING THE INEVITABLE like 400 goddamn times but i FINALLY GOT ON A BUS TO PORTLAND TO SPEND A WEEKEND WITH AWESOME LIVEJOURNAL FRIENDS!!!! i met j! THEY DID THE ORIGINAL DESIGN FOR STAR WENCH, so you know all that star wench art by different artists? THEY DREW STAR WENCH FIRST AND ALL STAR WENCHES ARE BASED ON THEIR DESIGN NOW
THEY’RE ALSO VERY SIMILAR TO ME
here we are doing an unboxing video

see? WE ARE SOUL BRETHEREN!
we sat around a lot and yelled about the internet and HOLY SHIT WE ARE ALL FROM THE INTERNET LOOK AT THIS SHIT

okay done embedding vines i dont want your computers to DIE

OH MAN WE PLAYED PC ENGINE ~HORIZONTAL SHOOTERS~
NOT SCHMUPS THAT ISNT A WORD I USE ITS TOO HARD TO SAY AND I MEAN 80 PERCENT OF VIDEOGAMES ARE ABOUT ‘SHOOTING THINGS’ SO HOW DOES THAT EVEN DESCRIBE WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT
/total snob

and i got to meet a COOL BEARDED DRAGON AND CAT and i fed the bearded dragon so many crickets and accidentally bopped the cat on the head with my luxury vining device, a thing im really good at! i love you animals but my camera just NEEDS TO BE AS CLOSE TO YOUR CUTE LITTLE FACES AS POSSIBLE

oh i got to read THIS AMAZING ZINE ON THE TOILET
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cats may be bastards but gun safety is VERY IMPORTANT!

we went to POWELLS BOOKS which i knew about because HALF THE BOOKS I ORDER ONLINE COME FROM THERE and it was wayyyyyyyyyy bigger than i imagined and COLOR CODED and i ran ran ran up the stairs to the history section and then RAN RAN RAN to the RUSSIAN HISTORY SECTION and stared and stared and searched nad searched and SCREAMED
THEY HAVE
AN ENTIRE
STALIN SHELF
THERE WERE BOOKS ON IT THAT I HAVENT READ!!!!!
I WAS IN LOVE10509649_10152634765166383_2507761112969282355_n
LOOK IT EVEN HAS A LITTLE LABEL ON THE SHELF THAT SAYS STALIN!!!!!! wow!!!!!!! iw as very happy cuddling all that wonderful husbando history if you cannot tell by the photo i will explain: me and stalin are OTP i wanna sit on his lap and listen to him tell me whos name to cross out with his infamous blue crayon, that i happen to be holding, while he bounces me on his lap and whispers in my ear about what a dirty capitalist pig such and such is, and then dutifully cross their names out, erasing them from history
BECAUSE I AM A HELPER. I AM A HORRIBLE PERVERTED HELPER.

every night in portland i got to sleep next to the worlds worst hitachi magic wand
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AND THEN IT WAS TIME FOR MY TRIP TO COME TO A CLOSE, so j took me to the greyhound station and it was SUPPOSED TO LEAVE AT 630 PM BUT DIDNT LEAVE TIL 9 PM AND there were like 20 people who couldnt even GET ON THE BUS I GOT On then THEN the bus stops in redding and they’re like WHERES THE DRIVER AND WE WAIT EVEN LONGER THEN I GET TO SACREMENTO AND THE BUS IS LATE AGAIN but finally, finally FINALLY 18 hours later i ARRIVE IN OAKLAND
where i leave to move into my NEW APARTMENT with my bff LAUREN FLUTY who rules.
you know that fucking thing where they’re like DONT MOVE IN WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND its total bullshit, me and laurne have lived together before, are living together now, and are someday gonna have a FUCKING FARm
so THERE

ONCE AGAIN THIS POST WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY MY WONDERFUL PATRONS SO IF YOU WANT ME TO KEEP POSTING FOREVER PLEASE CONSIDER MAKING A DONATION TO HELP ME PAY MY EXPENSIVE AS SHIT RENT

0 Comments Posted by on August 5th 2014 @ 12:17 am